How often were you a Lawyer in your relationship ? How often did you negotiate your point ?
Never. We rarely argued. W would let me know that I needed to make more money, but I wouldn't try and argue about it. Instead, I was guilty of defensiveness, and trying to over explain the reason that money would come in shortly, that work was in the pipeline, etc.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
How long had it been, since you had walked through the door, and made her emotional needs, more important the what was in your head ???
So, this one was not much of an issue. I focused my life around making W happy. My problem was that I was not working full-time hours, and so the thing my W wanted the most from me was working more, harder, and trying to bring in more business. But I was also clingy and when my health issues started 9 years ago, and also guilty of not going out with my W out just the two of us. And I believe Quality Time was my W's primary love language.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
You left some questions on the table there ^^^ ...
I see a LOT of lawyering in your answers too...
Your spouse, does NOT define who you are at your core...
Your spouse does not define who you are as a Man...
Your spouse does NOT dictate how you portray yourself...
She isn't responsible for your actions, words, or behavior...
Nor is she responsible for your feelings and emotions...
So why do you place that on her ????
I see your point, this is good. That my being superior and judgmental toward W only comes from me, and should not be based on what W is doing. I can accept that. The only place I see where the lines get blurred is where W is parading her behavior in front of our kids. I don't see this as currently being a problem, and so I will try and keep the focus on me and my actions, instead of on my W.
What is your primary love language? Mine was physical touch, and when w stopped the hugs and kisses before work and such, it was devastating to me.
Yes, I believe Physical Touch is my primary love language too. The funny thing in my R, was that W never cut off the physical relationship, even when she made the decision to leave and we were together for another two months. So I really was blind-sided when W finally told me her decision two weeks before she moved out. And even with that, we ML the night before she left. Weird?
Originally Posted By: TSquared2
And differences in how women and men view things?? Yup... Another poster (Kimmerz) recommended a book to me way back early in my sitch that was very enlightening about those differences, so much so that I am trying to get my oldest (21) to read it. It's "What Women Want Men to Know" by Barbara De Angelis. I highly recommend it to you.
Journaling. W and I had the relationship talk tonight. I brought s13 back to W's place, and I had agreed to do further work on W's computer to remove viruses. She needs computer to do editing for her photo business. I decided I was going to be ol' Mr. Nice Wet, and see what happens. She texted me saying her body really hurt (fibromyalgia) and she was not moving much. So my plan going in was to offer her a back massage if I saw the opportunity.
So we got to W's place, I said hi, she was talking to s13, so I decided to go work on the computer. W brought me a beer. I previously emailed myself a virus removal program. But her computer would not even allow access to IE. So I removed the first layer of viruses, and then installed the other program. Success!. While the over 100 add'l viruses were removed, W was sitting next to me, having a friendly convo, and I offered to give her a back massage. She gratefully agreed.
We went to her bed, I asked to remove her top with a chuckle, and she said I've seen her back enough times, she guessed it wouldn't hurt. She permitted me to remove her bra, I found some lotion, and gave her a 15 minute massage. The convo was lite though.
So I went back to the computer, and all the viruses were removed. Free access to the internet. I set up her homepage. All was good. I told her mission accomplished, and got up to leave, as I restarted her computer. She said wait, and asked me to sit down on the couch with her.
She started by asking how I was, and I said I was really good. And she said, it must be good not having a resentful W around, and I said "you never made me feel that you felt that way." R. talk was coming next but we hadn't talked for almost 5 months, so I agreed. W said she wanted the divorce papers filed, but she couldn't afford to hire an attorney. I had given her a stipulated divorce agreement back in March. She said she would sign that if these changes were made:
- $100k from my share of my parent's estate. She reasons that her parents gave us tens of thousands of dollars, incl. $30k for a remodeled kitchen, and it was all lost when house was foreclosed. Her parents once had several million dollars, but it is almost gone. Long story, but she is right. Or,
- alimony of 10% of my income. I told her that I would not do this, as my current income was too low right now. She gave me a 3rd option, but I can't remember this right now.
Then she said she likes it better when we are acting like friends, like tonight. She didn't like it when we weren't friendly and brought up the recent surgery. I said that I had just been given news that I had a life-threatening condition, and my best friend was not there to be with me to go thru this.
She then brought up that that the OM was not happy when he heard W was still married. And that he insisted that they not have sex. But it is not an exclusive relationship, so she is still dating other guys. She thought I would feel good about this, but I didn't.
So I brought up that how can I be her friend, you would never respect me if I was her friend while she is dating other men. You don't do this while we are still married. She said it is just a piece of paper, and yes, she felt like we were already divorced.
Truth dart time, I brought up the time when we almost broke up before we were married. W told me that she had sex with a married man, and I asked her why she thought that was ok, and W's response almost made me run for the hills - "he made the vow, not me". So I brought this story up to W, and said how did you get from that women to here? If you want to date men after we're divorced, that's fine. But not while we're married.
Then W brought up that she gave up early on in our marriage. She said bc I was so depressed, and wouldn't do anything about it. I responded but that's fixable. [I was depressed during the last 6 months of our m., but W rarely mentioned this as an issue. I think this is W re-writing history, but I will keep it in mind.]
So we hugged each other and gave each other a peck on our cheeks. My take-away, I already knew that if I modified the divorce agreement that she would sign it. I am glad that W is not currently sexual. But the dating other guys remains difficult. There just is no progress, and it's getting old. Let's see how I feel about this tomorrow.
Ive been trying to think of a nice way to put this but haven't been able to find the words. You said she isn't exclusive,she is dating other guys. She very well could be sleeping with all of them. This one guy stands out to her because he won't sleep with her because she is married.
I remember I used to hold on to every kind or easy moment,giving myself false hope. I think you need to figure out if this is what you you want to keep going through. Your wife comes across as a gold digger. She only wants money out of you. Who is to say your parents will have that kind of money to give later? Why does she think after what she has put you through she should get anything further down the road? Yes her parents gave and she was just as responsible for losing the house as you were. Yes you were trying to keep reality from here but any adult with common sense would have wanted to know what was going on and helped out. You both lost the money, not just you.
Food for thought. Kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I think tomorrow won't be enough time Wet. I suggest giving it a little more time than that. You still have expectations of her that she won't live up to. Something there needs to change, yeah?
And I do agree with Kat. Wholeheartedly.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
So I see that most desire for change I think is motivated by fear, instead of faith, and should therefore be avoided.
Interesting, I could argue that resistance to change is motivated by fear. That we humans prefer consistency, security in the known. That's why strangers are viewed dubiously until proven,for example.
Thanks everyone for making me think. Today, I am thinking I want to move on, and get the divorce finalized.
T^2, your comment that my resisting change is motivated out of fear is a good point. And who am I to keep my W in a marriage that she does not want to be in? I'll give this a few days, but maybe it is time for change in my life. It "feels" good to start making this decision.
Yes, I believe Physical Touch is my primary love language too. The funny thing in my R, was that W never cut off the physical relationship, even when she made the decision to leave and we were together for another two months.
Ahhh.....
So she filled your Love Language....
Let me ask you this...
Which of the love languages do you use, to give love ????
How did she give love ??
How did she receive love ??
Originally Posted By: Wet
So I really was blind-sided when W finally told me her decision two weeks before she moved out. And even with that, we ML the night before she left. Weird?
Weird ???
No, not at all....
Most MLCers feel that they have tried everything to find that internal void in their life.
It is fairly common to hear that they give themselves sexually, or vocalize and proclaim their never-ending love, hours before the bomb....
How often were you a Lawyer in your relationship ? How often did you negotiate your point ?
Never. We rarely argued. W would let me know that I needed to make more money, but I wouldn't try and argue about it. Instead, I was guilty of defensiveness, and trying to over explain the reason that money would come in shortly, that work was in the pipeline, etc.
