Newcomer Living in Hell 2

[bravo61]

just saw the W at the soccer game. kinda a even keel encounter not bad not great. at least it's easier for me not to screw things up. at this point, i kinda think that's the most i can do. not shoot myself in the foot in interactions with her. the working on me is my deal. she has to decide to forgive me and work on her own issues. i still love her though.

[bravo61]

took the kids last night to a hockey match last night by myself. another GAL and 180 at the same time! they had a great time. D got her pic with some of the ice girls. they thought she was adorable and that dad wasn't too bad either. one of them asked where "mom" was and was SO impressed that i had them by myself. sent pics to W. of note, she sent me 4 texts that i did not respond to as they were inconsequential. didn't "hop to " respond.
saw W this morning at soccer game. she was bout the same as yesterday towards me. seems like every time i see her lately, she asks if i'm alright or mad. just she's just now figuring out all those times i didn't smile in the past i wasn't mad, just not a "smiley" person. she walked us to my car while i put the kids in. she waited and then told me how impressed she was gettin the kids to the game and that i did a great job. shethen said "well i gotta go home and take a nap (she worked last night and tonight). give me a hug."
she mentioned again how she wasn't excited to go to disney in jan (for a race). she's only going for a couple of days and may not even go to the park. she said that it was prolly because the kids aren't going while looking at me sad. gotta call BS on that one. that was always the family vacay. she said that she's lost 5 pounds and i told her that she's worked hard for that and i'm proud of her.
so this afternoon, i'm taking the kids to S end of season party. another 180. i'm sure all the soccer moms will take note. if they knew what W was doing, they would think she's crazy!

[bravo61]

Talked to W last night when she called to say goodnight to kids. She knew I had a test at my training & haven't been able to study like I want to (watching the kids). She told me she knows I'll do great and she believes in me. I told her I'd prolly stay up a while to study. She said don't stay up too late and to pleasebe careful driving. Wished me a good night. She was impressed that I had everything ready for babysitter this morning. She was running down a list & I already had it all done. Even down to giving S money for a field trip (she had forgotten about). Is this positive interaction or am I just too jaded?

[Shakspr]

Bravo, those all sound positive. Like most, (even me!, post-D guy) you still seem all too interested in whether or not your changes are evident to the STBX/WAS.

I have a feeling that you're so money and you don't even know it.

She will see it only when/if you are doing it for yourself because you have internalized a new reality. Our former mates can smell fake/trying too hard from a mile away.

Ever been in a dating drought when you were younger? Couldn't get a date to save your life? Didn't get one until you quit trying? Then, all of a sudden, your dance card is full.

That's all a stereotype of the single guy, but stereotypes exist for a reason. Potential mates (especially former ones) can sniff desperate. So keep on practicing until you are a pro.

Best of luck, my man!

[bravo61]

Thanx Shake. Honestly, I'm not doing them to impress her. Would it be nice if it did? Yeah, but I'm doing it cause its the right thing to do. Took the kids out yesterday to let them pick out presents for W. Even took an 8 & 4 year old to a end of year soccer party by myself. But not looking forward to a long week w/oyt the kids.

[Shakspr]

The first day that they leave is always the hardest. Then I spend the next several prepping for the next time. Or for GAL. Or binge-watching Blacklist.

Heh, I am not guilty of trying to impress my XW; I'm guilty of wanting to show her how it's supposed to be done. The house looks better every time she comes by. And my motivations for that little factoid are layered and complex.

Best of luck to ya in the coming week.

[bravo61]

So, W sent me a text this afternoon asking how I did on my test. She then said good job when I replied an hr later. Little while ago, she asked if I wanted to call to tell the kids goodnight. Told them I loved them and missed them.

Then she got on the phone. Pleasant talk bout her day. And then just as pleasant told me she talked to the L and he let her know that we can move forward w/out my insurance info. I mean, it was like we were talking bout the f*ing weather! So I guess she's gonna talk to him tomorrow. And I have another test I've got to study for. I just got quiet and said ok. She said well I'm sure I'll talk to you tomorrow.

NOT DOING WELL!!!!!!!!!

[bravo61]

So, I'm sure she'll contact me today. Any ideas? I dont really want to talk to her but I don't want to feed into the picture she has in her head that I'm angry all the time and giving the silent treatment to punish her. HELP!!

[raliced]

Hi Bravo,

Are you concerned that she wants to talk about the divorce? I think its perfectly ok to let her know that now is not a good time (while you are studying for a test) but then give her a time and date when you think you can talk.

If she just wants to talk about general things - I would just keep the tone pleasant and end the conversation first.

[jim0987]

Hi Bravo

I find a pattern that if I have a friendly conversation with my W, and particularly if I make her laugh she will almost immediately bring up the divorce or something related to it. There's lots of mind reading I can do here about the why but it would just be mind reading.

In my case if I end the conversation first she doesn't get a chance to do that (not great at this)

In terms of handling I think Raliced is right in that asking to put of D talk until after your test is perfectly reasonable