So you are sufficiently disgusted by your wife's behavior to expose her infidelity to your children (which I don't disagree with, btw, don't get me wrong -- I did the same thing) . . . but you're trying to simultaneously hold her hand while taking a walk, and you're ASKING her to "spoon"/"cuddle" with you in bed????
Yep - which is why I am moving upstairs. Anyway - what's not to get? I hate what she has done and her continued indifference to the damage she has caused is killing me - but at the same time you don't just stop loving someone overnight (after 20yrs marriage). So it's hard not to keep reaching out to her. Old habits die hard. The move to the attic is for me - to help me keep enforcing my boundaries. I think it steps like these (telling kids/MIL/bank) that are helping me to force myself to move forward because then it is not all just within my head and a matter of self discipline. It's like keeping up an exercise schedule of running. Half the battle is just getting out the door. Same with GAL/moving on - it is about external action, not thoughts and emotion - and I spent the last 2 months in that inertia phase of hoping that she would see sense and do what she said she would (end things with OM). So I am turning a corner
Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14 T21 M20 DDAY 1 Sept 2014 Current: W ending A?
You said you laid down boundaries with consequences for her but you don't follow through. Then to punish her, you ( for some reason, are moving upstairs which punishes you more than her. I don't think you get anything that's going on in your stich.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
It sounds like a good plan that you are moving upstairs and telling others etc. I think it gives more of a healthy separation to the situation. It is difficult, and it does take a while to get through that early phase of hoping your WAS will 'wake up' and recommit.
One thing to think about perhaps is consistency. So, you refuse to share a bed whilst your W remains involved with someone else..fully support that. You now need to try and get that 'distance' into the R overall with your W. That does mean not trying to hold hands etc. It probably means not even going for the walk for now!!
Anyway, good for you to be taking steps and don't look over your shoulder at what your W might be thinking. Do this for you. Set yourself a lovely space up there in the attic, get yourself settled and enjoy the chance to have a bit of 'you' time.
Best of luck with things :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Mr Bond - appreciate your views - the setting/enforcing boundaries is a learning process for me after years of trying to be the nice/rational/normal one in the M and the W the emotional/narcissist. So coming over hard and emotionless is uncomfortable - as is anything outside ones comfort zone. I am moving in the right direction now - and if I share my missteps - so be it - important thing *I* feel I am making progress. Toots-I agree - the difficult thing for me with the whole DR ethos was finding the right balance between withdrawing/setting boundaries and maintaining contact/building bridges. I wanted to avoid things falling into a sterile no-contact adversarial relationship. Now I see that all I can do is make my own changes and no contact does not necessarily mean adversarial.
Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14 T21 M20 DDAY 1 Sept 2014 Current: W ending A?
Anaru, I would suggest to you that in your wife's current state (having an affair and over at OM's as recently as last weekend), she is your adversary. At a minimum she's an adversary of your marriage and your intact family.
Let that sink in a bit. Then some more. I had a REALLLLLLY hard time with that, but it's an essential "place" to be able to get to in your head for proper detachment and effective DB'ing, in my strong opinion.
In fact, I've never seen anyone succeed here without adopting that mindset.
There will be a time and a place -- we all hope and pray -- for the "piecing" stage, and the re-pursuit of your wife and the meeting of her emotional needs again. Now is not that time. That doesn't mean to be a D*CK or anything, no. You should be cordial, civil -- treat her like you'd treat a neighbor. But you need to be more "80/20" on the whole "enforcing my and my family's boundaries/vs./being adversarial with my wayward wife" thing, not "50/50."
Sunday W and I went for a walk - and I backslid and expressed some emotions about out our situation. It was an hour long "discussion" and we just made no progress. Kicking myself for "leaking" emotion and not keeping it together so we could enjoy some time together. Her position is still she wants the freedom to solve things in her way and I am just supposed to ignore it all and be the kind of person she wants to be with. The latter part is in line with DR so I get that.
So back to the DR process and detach/STFU and let her go. Moved upstairs Sun evening to sleep.
Last night (Mon) I spoke on phone w MIL while out for a walk on my own - just such a relief to get some support from her. Then when home MIL sent a Facebook message to my mobile and my wife saw it. So now she suspects/knows I have discussed with MIL - and W is white hot with anger. Threats to tell all to my Dad etc etc Lots of things being said/messaged to me - I am just not responding now. Reminds me of that quote about people showing you how they are So generally not a great couple of days Signing papers at the bank today Am in hospital later in the week for a shoulder operation so can add that to the list of painful things to get through to a better future
Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14 T21 M20 DDAY 1 Sept 2014 Current: W ending A?
