H sent an email. No text in the body. Subject read, "Song recorded with xyz version"...... Generic.
The only thing in the email was the music file attachment, unnamed. I clicked it, and it was a new recording of H playing a song. It was one of my favorites that he used to play for me when we first got together.
Somebody's checking in. It's about that time, I suppose.
You know what's so funny (funny weird, not funny ha, ha), if the LBS was to send something like that to the WAS, they would freak out because of the "pressure" of it all! They can poke their little heads in any time they start to feel like we aren't paying attention (God forbid!) but if it's the other way around? They feel so much pressure and we're just trying to "push" them. So much insanity so little real human emotion!
uR, yep... He cuckoo, no doubt. Spinning all around....I'm staying out of the way. I miss him less and less. Especially while at work. I don't even think of him. Then I get home.... Not too bad. Going out is the worst, yet. :-/
Mighty, SERIOUSLY!!!! What, at this point, should even surprise us anymore, right??
Matt, you are so right. Things do not work the same in reverse.... I can guess what h would do if I was dating like he was!!!
So, shopping succkkkkks.
In the days pre-cocopuffs, my house during the holidays used to look like Christmas threw up. In a good way...
I loved decorating for the holidays. We both did. We had a blast.
Now, I go to the store, and the music and lights and all the things h and I used to look forward to, are so tainted.
I'm feeling some anger about that.... Not deep or lasting. I hope.
He can't have Christmas. Nope. He can't have any more of me. I'll let this wash over. It's really only needing a light rinse.
I'm thinking of everyone up north!! Hopefully you're all staying warm and safe tonight! BBBRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
I'm sorry it made you sad, S. I remember that feeling around the first Christmas. I started some new traditions and changed up the decorations. It helped me.
You really are doing amazing, my friend. I am so happy you are.
He11111 no! He ain't takin Christmas! (That seems very anti-Christmas spirit.... lemme reword...)
Let there be Peace on Earth, and Let it Begin With Me! (I don't know if it's exactly the same. But I like it.)
Yuppers... I had the same beautiful Christmas vomit emanating from my house, too! Last year was tough. Xh moved out 3 weeks before Christmas. This year is going to be so different. I'm feeling the same as you about the missing less and less. For quite some time I was actually afraid of that. It made me sad to think of the possibility of not missing him or wanting him. Now I'm embracing it. I'm geekin' for it like a crack-addict!
Bring on the Christmas, baby! I'm ready for it! You too! Bring that Shining Christmas spirit! Pom pom Christmas shake (or whatever you cheerleaders do.. )
So glad things are work are going so well for you. That makes me very happy! Hit up the Rat Pack Christmas on Pandora and own it, Shining!
Shining- I felt the same way last year- just went through the motions for the kids but wasn't into decorating.
This year I feel different- I'm excited to decorate, I actually feel some joy about the holidays. I hope you can find that too and enjoy yourself! Sending Rudolf your way with some Christmas cheer and mistletoe to hang up for the celebrity crush of your choosing to join you under I happen to choose Vin Diesel!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
The song... I don't know what I'd even think about that. Matt is so right, if we did that it would be so unwelcome and pressure. Good for you for not getting svcked into it all. I think I would have listened, cried and then wallowed in "what ifs".
Dang, I missed the hot men talk... My forever crush has been Mark Consuelos (who is married to Kelly Ripa and used to be on All My Children) and I still think he's hot. I'm into Matthew McConaughey too. He and Channing Tatum dancing... yes, please!
I love Christmas and decorating too. Not sure how I'm going to handle that. I imagine I will decorate as I normally do, if only for the kids sake. I'm still debating about putting H's stocking up with ours...
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
I feel nothing. Don't know why. Months ago I would be all wound up at this. Not today.
H texted that he has mail for me. He sent several texts throughout the day, asking questions he has asked before (what time I'm off work, can he stop by my apartment and do the switch).
Then he texted about his music again, and what he's doing. I was very busy in and out of meetings today, so my responses were rushed and short.
At the end of the day, I texted back, asking what works for him to meet. He didn't come out and directly ask.... he hemmed and hawed about a"well, maybe if it's not too much trouble and I don't know what you have planned tonight and I'm sure you're busy oh and I have some music stuff here and well I could of course go to your apartment unless you are able to come here and uh.....I don't know whatever works for you too."
Yeah. I'm not a game player. I could tell he wanted me to come over. I thought about what I wanted. Good bad right or wrong... I wanted to go and see him. I went to his place after work. Besides, I looked fabulous at work today... Heehee.
Disclaimer: I do not want him at all right now. I couldn't have said that a couple of months ago. I know he's cookin'. This is sooooo far from over. Like, years. If ever. No expectations. Just wanted to peek in. My emotions are good, and in-check.
Back to the bouncy house: It was a good exchange. I went in, saw my other doggie and played with him for a minute. H looked great. He looked at me with his sparkley eyes. He said I looked amazing. Yeah, maybe I did...kinda. I was smiling and glowing.
He asked about my new job. I said I'm loving it.
He showed me his new music stuff. Here's where it gets weird and replayish:
When we were in high school, he was shy. I was....not. We went on one date. During that date, I went to his house, and he played a song he had been working on. He tried so hard to impress me back then.
He did the same thing tonight. Trying to impress me. I felt like I was in replay!!! OMG...
He played 3-4 songs for me. And, yeah....the one he emailed, too.
But, he stopped that one part way through. He started getting emotional and teary eyed.
Pause button: I now know, this doesn't mean anything, necessarily. Bouncy bouncy bounce. Took it all in stride.
And back to bouncy house: Then, he talked about his vasectomy. I validated his experience being painful...and quickly changed subject before I committed a homicide. I felt that was a wise move.
He is clueless. He was so matter of fact in talking about it. With no shame or embarrassment. I truly sense, that he sees no connection to how hurtful his choice to have that procedure would appear to me. I truly sense his decision was not about me. We are D in his mind. It is clear.
He asked if I had eaten dinner. He stopped at the grocery store on his way home, knowing I was coming. He said he "accidentally" bought 2 pieces of salmon, and 2 bundles of asparagus... And asked if I would care to join him.
I said sure. It was nice. We exchanged mail and money. Then we talked about our kids, and gave updates. We talked about getting the car in my name, and other things to split. There is a retirement we need to address. It was friendly and matter of fact.
He HATES his apartment. He picked a terrible location. Very loud. He said he will not stay there too long.... Check box, still ticking off items.
I told him about xh visiting last weekend when S18 shipped out. OOOOHHHHHHH that bothered him!!! H asked if xh came here alone...which he did. Oh, boy oh boy oh boy....jelly. Tone, body language...he sounded like a spoiled, jealous kid. Woah...it was awesome.
Odd, he plays meaningful music, looked at me like he wanted me, cooked me one of my favorite dinners....and then talked about splitting more assets.
I roll with it. I'm good. My life is good. It can only get better, no matter what.
He hugged me very tightly.
My take-away, is that he does not want me any more than he did months ago. That has not changed. He doesn't want to lose me entirely, that has not changed.
I, however, am so much stronger, have direction, I can listen to his crazy and just smile and nod...
Time will tell. I'm out of he way for another month!
)