First thank you for everyone's replies they are much appreciated. It's really helpful for me to see other people's opinions and advice.
Sandi and T0324, that's exactly what I was afraid of. That she was just checking in and keeping me on the hook without the intention of reconciling. Feeding me enough to string me along. I had a feeling that that is what it was but I just did not want to believe it.
You are right that I have not detached from her yet. I will continue to not initiate and will spend more time formulating my responses with your advice. I definitely agree that she is not getting the full "separation" experience and that she "has" me at anytime she wants (she probably knows this as well).
Make the most of this time of separation. Do a lot of deep soul searching and name the areas you have fallen short as a H. If you don't identify them, how can you change them? Many times the things the LBS falls short or fails, is due to some a weak link in the character. Lack or moals, low self esteem, jealousy, controlling, Laziness, anger problems, lack of leadership, faithfulness, truth, honor, loyalty, loving support, failure to kee the spouse's love tamk full, passivity, abuse issues. Childhood issues, ......and much, much more. But you get the idea, right? Perhaps you have at least one thing you know in your heart you need to do much better.
The majority of newcomer LBH's what to turn over a new leaf...but then he immediately tells his WAW about all the things he is working on. He hopes this injects some hope into the M, but is disappointed when she doesn't seem too excited over the momentous task he has undertaken. So then, he wonder if writing a loooong letter to her apologizing for ever mistake and short coming since the M. But a again, it is often faced with rather dulled interest,
He feels rejects and discouraged b/c he thought she would be all on board, and he doesn't undetstand why she isn't happy that he is finally doing what she always wanted. Then he gets depressed and tries to talk to her about the R, and it leads to a not so good encounter. In fact, with every R talk, it pushes her closer to the D.
My suggestion is that you think hard about the things she complained about during the M. I think if you dig deep, you will qualify to label it as genuine and not unreasonable and cast out those that are.
Next, make real day to day steps to develop a living plan that will bring about this project of reinventing yourself (or at least, improvement). Don't talk about it to her, just keep working It. She may be drawn back to the new you, or not. But the point is she sure isn't too impressed with the old you. So make this about you and do what you want to do. Instead of dwelling on her all the time, think about what you would do of you were is single. I don't mean go out and start picking up women. I'm talking about other things. How would you live and what would you do with your free time? You may never get another opportunity to have this "freedom" to just enjoy yourself and do whatever you want. Get out with the guys. Pick up old hobbies, or new ones. Go places she never was interested in going with you. You've got to get through this separation while she is figuring out what she wants, so you might as well enjoy it.
Eat right and get a lot of exercise, and if you can't sleep or get too depressed.....go to the doctor and get something that will help you get through this. You can't afford to let your health break.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, you are exactly correct about the flaws. Off the top of my head I have problems with jealousy, controlling, passivity, lack of leadership and many more. This weekend I will sit down and identify my problems and a game plan and will post here in detail for comments and suggestions. I am exercising (a lot!) its the only thing that relaxes me for now. And taking OTC sleep pills; but I may look into getting prescription knock out pills.
She just texted me, "What do you think we should do?" I really really don't know how to answer. Obviously I have a perfect scenario painted in my head of what I want to do where we get back together, I work on my flaws/shortcomings, we communicate and live happily every after... I replied, "why do you ask, would you consider what I have to say?" For now...
Thrown for a loop. NC initiated from me up until this point. Just as her grasp on my mind slips she texts me this question.
Is it OK for me to outline what I think we should do? Since she initiated the talk? It would be something along the lines of gradually seeing each other more and more as I continue to work on my self. With the end goal of living together once more...
Its almost 2 months now that we have been separated. During that time we hardly talked or saw each other unless it was for business (mediation, turning in court docs, one lunch, one dinner).
Is she throwing out some line and bait? I just don't know what her intentions are.
I replied, "why do you ask, would you consider what I have to say?"
How would you feel if you received such a response? It's unpleasant. It's an accusation: "You never listen to what I have to say." Try not being unpleasant with your W. She has enough negative emotions about you. Every little such comment awaken all of them.
I'd like to know what the vets have to say, but I can't imagine she wants you to lay out a controlling plan for the next two months of her life. She's in control. She needs to be in control for this to work. Her question is not a green light to take control of the whole thing. I see it more as a test: are you going to leave her in control or wrestle it from her at the first opportunity? Speak with your actions: show her that she's safe with you. And no, safe doesn't mean easing back into your M. It means remaining in control of herself.
You have not detached yet (neither have I) so this is all awfully difficult. Also, the whole technique is new. The earlier you apply it, the faster you'll see results. It's your best bet.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
How would you feel if you received such a response? It's unpleasant. It's an accusation: "You never listen to what I have to say." Try not being unpleasant with your W. She has enough negative emotions about you. Every little such comment awaken all of them.
You are absolutely correct. I'd hate to see that reply if I had asked her any question. I guess my last memories of her were the immediate week after where I begged and pleaded and everything was met with no, I don't care, we will never work out, we are just incompatible etc... I let that factor into that response when I should not have.
Quote:
I can't imagine she wants you to lay out a controlling plan for the next two months of her life. She's in control. She needs to be in control for this to work. Her question is not a green light to take control of the whole thing. I see it more as a test: are you going to leave her in control or wrestle it from her at the first opportunity?
This makes sense to me as well. But leaves me at a lost on how to reply. I don't want to reply with something that will give her the impression that she is free to do whatever she wants (now that I typed that she is absolutely free to do whatever she wants) and that I don't care about us anymore.
I am second guessing myself. Not sure if my emotions are clouding my judgment..
Fell off the wagon there. Stayed in NC and kept working out everyday. Made no attempts to socialize or go out. Got stuck in a funk of depression. Couldn't get much sleep. Thinking about getting prescription sleep pills and maybe a physc eval. But, she has the insurance cards and we are on a high deductible plan so I'm thinking I'll just wait until my individual high deductible plan starts next year so I can work against my deductible for 2015.
She contacted the mediation lawyer last week to finalize our legal separation (already filed but additional paperwork is needed). Lawyer contacted me which is how I found out. I had been quiet about it hoping that she would not pursue the completion of it. But it is not unexpected that she wants to finalize the separation. Yesterday received a text saying "I want to have a serious talk tomorrow."
Okay.. Hoping for the best but trying to mentally prepare for the worst. Judging from her action in contacting the lawyer it doesn't really set the tone for a positive talk. My game plan is to listen very carefully, validate, not say too much to hurt my cause, try to defend myself or persuade her. I feel I am mentally ready to go back into NC and even start moving on (maybe) should she stay firm on her stance of ending our relationship for good.
Still holding out for a step in the reconciliation direction though!
I feel for you, man, with all of this happening so quickly like an emotional blitzkrieg. I don't have much advice right now except listen to sandi and mozza. I also think your mental preparation for tomorrow's talk is good.
I'm kind of in the same boat as you. My wife spontaneously (at least in my eyes) left the house with our kids almost six weeks ago, served me with an Order of Protection which was later dropped but gave her automatic custody for the first 2.5 weeks, and has had no contact with me since. It's been tough, but all we can do is reflect on what we did as the H in pushing our W away, change the behavior that needs to be changed, and we'll be better off than we were before no matter the outcome.
Also, never give up hope. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst, but a legal separation isn't the end. Even my MIL told me she thought my W would continue to go through with the D but that wasn't the end--I'd just have to woo my W back a second time. So there's hope in all this pain, but use this painful time as a gift to improve yourself and be the best TFWNOGF ever.
Me: 29 W: 29 S: 7 S: 4 M: 8 BD 10/15/14 (Order of Protection) D filed 10/14 Letting God change my life. Doing the hard work to be the H my W always needed and to be the father my children deserve.
Personally, I think she's yanking you around. As long as you are the "yes dear" kind of man, she is not going to be attracted back to you. Look, she dumped you. She calls to see what you are doing and then, very rudely, won't even respond when you are nice enough to give her a reply. She dangles just enough to get your hopes worked up that maybe her contacting you is a positive sign......only to knock your legs out from beneath you again. How long are you going to play this game?
Are you going to be the scared little boy who plans to meet with her tomorrow, holding your breath she won't ask for a D.......or the confident man who is ready to move forward and be happy without her? (Not that you wish to, but that you can).
If you told her that you have had time to think things over and have decided she may be have the right idea. Tell her she's right. You both deserve to be with someone who can really make you happy. You know that's what you want! I think her tune would begin to change. Maybe not that minute (b/c she would be in shock), but she would start thinking about YOU wanting to replace her. (That's not exactly what you said, but it gets her to thinking about it.). She is not ready for you to replace HER! It was suppose to be the other way around!
If you will leave her with that.......instead of trying to have ANOTHER relationship discussion, just leave it at that point. Don't ask her anything about what she plans to do. Don't act concerned or worried. If she says she wants a D, agree with it. You won't stop her by begging. And you just might cause her to question herself later.
Now I am the first to tell you that no DB coach is going to give this advice. The majority of the population here wouldn't tell you what I just said. I will just say this, and leave it at that. If my LBH had approached me with something along those line, it would have yanked that wayward kink out of my a$$ so quick that I wouldn't have given another man the time of day. I would have been too busy pursuing my H! But sadly, that is not how he handled it.
You can save yourself a lot of pain and agony by deciding to man up now and let her know you won't wait around while she plays ball with your heart. I don't agree that she is in charge. That's the problem! She feels in charge of you, and she is proving it over and over. If she wants assured she still has all the power........what does she do? She contacts you and does a temp check! Take back the power over your own life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi, what advice would most DB coaches give in this scenario that disagrees with yours?
Me: 29 W: 29 S: 7 S: 4 M: 8 BD 10/15/14 (Order of Protection) D filed 10/14 Letting God change my life. Doing the hard work to be the H my W always needed and to be the father my children deserve.
