I was at a seminar all yesterday. Everyone went out for dinner afterwords (about 10 of us). She came with our younger son. It was nice to see her out and being social. To see her smiling and enjoying herself made me happy. I had a dream last night where we held hands tight and she told me she loved me. That made me cry in my dream and I have tears as I write this
It is very hard not to tell her I love her and to give her a hug right now. I know I shouldn't and that it very well may not be welcomed, but it is still hard.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
Its not feeling like a "piece of meat" during. It was more of how I approached her. Me being ready to go at a moments notice and initiating stuff when she isn't feeling close since I hadn't been affectionate earlier.
Do you understand how she needs to feel emotionally connected before sex? Even with PT as her LL, most women can't get there as fast as men. You have to start making love to their mind first, and using the PT every day.....throughout the day. You can't ignore her needs and then expect her to work like a microwave.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yeah. I know. We both had developed ways we isolated ourselves over the years and getting un-stuck from them is something I just didn't do. After reading about love languages it has made more sense. At this point I just have to wait because this isn't something I can work on with her now.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
You know......but you just didn't do it. I hear that a lot from LBH'S, which makes me wonder about the reason they "just didn't do it". You need to deal with the reason behind it, or nothing will change.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I can't speak to the whole reason. I came from a very non-affectionate household. My family didn't hug, cuddle etc. There were times I would be good at it and time that I would not be. I often would want to sit next to her throughout our relationship, but she often would "nest" for lack of a better term. She would have tons of stuff, built up around where she sat. Or she'd sit in a papasan chair, or at her computer. I wouldn't say anything like "come here" even though at times I wanted to spend time with her. I don't know why. When it all came out she told me she was doing the same thing. She'd see me at the computer, but wouldn't ask me for what she wanted/needed. We built this really stupid dance. She spent more time playing her online games, which I didn't like the amount of time she spent on them and that she'd always come to bed late, but I supported it because it was one of her very few social activities. I figured things were ok since she wasn't saying anything, but could feel that they were not. I wanted her to come to me. I hated always pursuing her (especially in regards to sex) because I know every time I brought something up it ended up making her feel defensive and hurt (even though that was the last thing I wanted to do). I guess it was that I was always asking her to change, but not doing it myself. BTW: Thank you Sandi2. I don't know what I'm doing. So thank you for your feedback.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
My H is much the same way. What seems odd to me is how (some) men pursue women before they get M. After M, they want the W to pursue them. If she doesn't, he gets hurt and then the "dance" starts. When she becomes a WAW, he wants to pursue again.
IDK, I was taught that it is the man's nature to be the pursuer and the woman's nature is to be the responder. But these days, I think they are too confused to know what to do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: pursuing..... In my case, I stopped pursuing because being rejected over and over and over again is not pleasant. Personally I got to the point where I was more comfortable not taking the risk of being rejected.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Bdub: That is very much the case. It was/ is painful to be rejected so many times. I can't blame her for my lack of affection, but we both built walls to some degree or another. Sometimes it was better than others. We had got together when we were 17. Neither of us dated a lot. She has always been very hesitant or just not interested in talking about sex. And I was young, immature and developed bad habits about how to interact with her. I would ask how to do things different. I asked for specifics and she was always real general with me. I tried to ask her to initiate sex so that I didn't have to so I could only concentrate on being affectionate, but she wasn't comfortable with that. Stuff seemed to get worse (she more distant) after she injured her shoulder. This took her out of martial arts which she did 2 classes of kung fu with me per week and 1 class of Tai Chi on her own. Her world got smaller. She seemed to be more and more upset/ angry/ withdrawn. I'd ask her if anything was wrong and I was met with: "nothing". Since she had lost her mother and her best friend and now wasn't doing kung fu her social life was just her online gaming friends (if she's talked to anybody about our problems it'd be them, but IDK if she has). It was ironically me asking her to be the one to come up to give her hugs rather than just me that set off the whole conversation that brought up her thinking about separation (which is still in the :IDK stage). I never felt like I stopped trying. I just wasn't doing the right thing or enough of it for her to feel that I cared or loved enough. Tired and Frustrated is how she described herself. I am trying to detach, but find myself really wanting to pursue and talk to her, but I won't, I know it's not the right thing to do now.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
We had a meeting with a psychologist for out S who is getting checked for a learning disability. The psychologist was asking where we were from, how we met, etc. (nothing in depth). I was feeling good after the meeting. We had come in separate cars since I had come straight from work and she from picking our son from school. I was talking to her afterwords before I went to pick up our other son from his friend's house. I reached out and squeezed her hand: no response. It may have been she didn't get why I was doing it or it was just un-welcomed, but no response. It was a poor idea. On the up side I told her her new reading glasses looked cute on her (the first time she's had glasses since I've known her) and that got a genuine smile. I need to back off more...
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
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