I know you know that, too:). Sometimes it's fun reading it over and over and over... It's not about you. It's broken inside of him.
I'm sorry you're getting those comments. It's normal to feel upset by those. Then, let them roll off like water on duck feathers.
By the way, I think you handled the text beautifully. Good girl!
Soooo.... The Kitchen Party... laugh
Eh... no worries. Part of the game, I guess. I'm not really bothered. I think at this point, I'm not even going to respond AT ALL to his texts. I've cut off the emails. And there is no way I'm even going to bother. I mean, really.... what's the point?!
Kitchen Party..... can't WAIT until it's done!!!!! Hopefully the plans will be here soon. Then.... trying to figure out how to get it done! My brother has recruited some guys to hang drywall and stuff. It's literally just the frame right now. It gets so cold in the winters (hello... Buffalo!) I've had to put plastic up the last two winters. I hope to get the electrician in when the plans are done then the insulation.
It's a really high ceiling, so having a group of guys will be helpful.
Matt:
Quote:
Don't let that stuff bother you one little bit. He is the "source" of his own problems with his S17 and is just a coward for not facing that reality. What I want to know is why on earth he would EVER think you would include him in ANYTHING. He wants to have a new life without you, he can start taking care of things on his own. Better yet, if he so needs someone taking care of things for him, let him get his new woman to start taking care of his chit! I bet that would go over really well!
I really, really don't like your ex. He is such an a$$hat! He makes all men look bad. Hope all went well on the medical front for you. Stay strong and keep your head held high!
Join the friggin club! Naw, it really doesn't bother me so much. Denial, denial... it is not going to help his cause. Not at all. S17 is so keen with that. I think that's been his biggest issue- that xh hasn't been accountable for anything.
It looks to me like xh is trying to engage in an argument with me. Over and over. He is really poking.... I think it's kind of funny. There is no way I would fall for that. It was a struggle to adjust, but now, eh...
There are some smart@$$ comments I would love to drop... but you know.... I'm better than that (hahaha- err, maybe I just know better in this sitch! )
But yeah, c'mon. Especially after the email he sent, he really expects me to include him and handle that for him?! Give me a break.
If he were so happy, he wouldn't be trying to engage me into an argument. He wouldn't be wasting his time trying to get me to do things he is capable of doing.
He is looking to blame me for anything he can. In the past year, the kids have not spent more than 12 hours with him at a time. In the past 6 months, the kids haven't spent more than 4 hours with him at once.
Now, because s17 JUST found out about my surg, everything is my fault. Hello, clueless. Hello, denial. Good bye, h!
And on top of that, d13 has no idea about surg, but she doesn't want to see him still. Soooooo?????
It's all a joke. Really. I am the source. Of what???? I know exactly what he is the source of... many things. One thing my dr told me. Scientific evidence! Ummmm.... my fault.
I'm having a pretty good weekend. I really haven't done much gal, but it has been productive. I am finding more energy and looking forward to things. Getting my house together, and I am excited for the holidays.
I went for a run yesterday, which I hadn't done in awhile. (It wasn't really by choice. S17 left w my car in the morning to take sat exam. His counselor called me as they were starting and said he didn't have his ID. Since he had my car, I figured I'd be a good opportunity for a nice run! He was very thankful, btw.)
Kids have been doing very well. They had lots going on this weekend. S17 appears to have turned a corner. I can see it, feel it, and he expresses it, too.
With that said, s17 has also been opening up with me a little bit about things. He is asking questions about xh and vocalizing his disgust with his behavior. I have know this all along, as s17 is not afraid to make comments which show his anger. He is now opening up and having conversations about it. I try to remain neutral. The truth hurts, though. There isn't a good way to put a spin on this to make it seem like some love story that ended happily for all. I keep it minimal, but let him express his feelings. I try to give him different perspectives which will help him not take things personally and just release some of the negative feelings. He just has nothing good to say about xh, hww, or any of their sich. Who does?
He really is such a good kid. He has an amazing heart. We really have an amazing r. He and d13 have become so close, too. We were always a close family, but they had that bro-sis banter. But they have connected on a different level. One that is theirs and theirs only. It is nice to see.
S17 felt really good about the exam. He is really a very, very smart kid. I feel sad for him that his "important" years of hs have been a disaster and he feels he has seen what he thought was his future go down the tubes. It is one thing for me to see what I though was my future go down, but for him, it has affected every facet of his life. The future of his family, his sports, and, his schooling opportunities.
But I think he is starting to see that there is still a path to happiness and success, it just isn't the one he had planned. Just tough for a kid that age to figure out. And a lot to figure out. All while dealing with.... everything.
I am feeling like I am on the path for some serious sorting out. I'm gonna keep posting as I work through this. It has been the most helpful.
Worst case scenario, he can go to community college, get straight As there and then transfer to do his last two years wherever he wants.
Yeah, it's a fine line between letting them vent and encouraging them to have a relationship with their parent. I have one kid like this. I try to point out that I think multiple concussions may have played a role in some of his dad's behavior; his response is that dad is just "selfish". And I can't really argue with that, because there's a lot of truth to it. I just do my best to listen, encourage compassion, and let him see that I'm doing well.
I'm taking a moment to go back to the email. I don't believe s17 has read it. Xh is clearly out of his tree. Xh was frequently texting me about updates w kids. When things were good, I would state just that. I never really got into detail. In fact, when xh would go off about grades, I would try to soften the blow. I didn't want xh going after the kids. It wouldn't help them. Just add more stress for them.
The week I found s17 stash and I came home and he had gotten into some mess, I was clear he wasn't going anywhere, and I took the door off from his bedroom. Hey, gotta do what you gotta do.
Then s17 wanted to go out. I was clear and said that it wasn't going to happen. He became really upset. Big time. Flipping out. I remained calm, but I did say that he was being dramatic.
Next thing I know, he said he was leaving w xh, and off they went. I sent xh a text letting him know what was going on. He said, OK, thanks.
Later, I told s17 that I had informed his dad. I always let s17 know when I was going to tell his dad about anything. I didn't want to lose s17's trust, but I was clear that it was something he should know. S17 was always fine with it. And outside of this crazy circumstance, s17 knows right from wrong and never questioned me telling xh. Again, my communication with xh is very minimal. When he asks, I usually let him know. When it was serious, I let him know.
This was difficult to continue to communicate since I was blown off so many times while he was w hww. And when things were VERY SERIOUS with s17, I mean, bad... I did reach out to xh. He blew me off for 36 hours and then sent a text asking what was wrong. I told him we needed to talk, not through text. He blew me off for another day- turns out he was on the cruise with hww. Priorities. Things like this happened on several occasions. I learned to deal on my own. It was hard enough to handle the situation here, but then have to deal with xh and his shenanigans and face the fact that he wasn't stepping up as a father, was just something I didn't need to deal with. So I went it alone.
Since s17 called his dad that night, I needed to tell him what was going on, which is why I texted him.
Now in the email to s17, xh quoted my text to him. (I don't find anything wrong with what I sent, and I know s17 wouldn't either. Xh is crazy.) "S17 was xxx when I got home from d13 game. He's mad I won't let him go out." Then he informed s17 that I sent a pic of his stash. He asked what it all was. I told him.
In the email to s17, right after he quoted my text messages he told s17 - in bold- "This is a clear attempt to create an argument between you and me. Your mom is angry with me and it appears she will do whatever it takes to destroy my relationship with you and d13. I never hear any positive things from her, only negative things when she feels threatened by our relationship. Now I see why she took it to the next level with hpv."
Then...
"You should know some additional facts" (then bullets things I did as a teen, BUT they are all totally inaccurate )
Blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda
"S17 there is always two sides to every story and you can take this for whatever you want. I will not engage in bashing your mother anymore, just needed to tell my side. This is VERY ridiculous that these conversations are being held with you and that I also need to have with d13. Your mom is on this email too, I will not take a back door approach. I love you so much and miss you."
OK, those are just some of the fabulous things he sent to my son. Aahhh... what a knight in shining armor. What a stand up guy.
The only reason I am going back to this email is so I can digest the fact that it is coming from a very lost and confused person. I don't know this person. He is not a father. I don't know what, nor do I want to.
It is good though, because it shows me that I don't have any reason to contact him unless it is a 911 emergency. I will not communicate any more.
I did on Friday with the texts about the banquet, and I got some spewing about being the "source" of this.
Done. I'm done with this. Not angry at all about it. It is cut and dry.
Thanks, kml. I am sure s17 will set out on the right path. He is learning a lot of life's lessons right now. Hopefully it will make him better in the end.
He said to me a little while back that he was scared. I asked why. He said bc of his grandpa and dad. He was worried he'd end up like them. I reminded him that he said he was better than that. He said, "Dad said the same thing."
I felt so bad, but encouraged him to keep working on himself and if he ignores things and doesn't work through them, that they come back haunt you later. I expressed that I was so proud of the effort he was putting into facing the issues and working through them. That he is taking care of it now so that it doesn't come back down the road in ways he doesn't understand. He has never respected his grandfather. He saw through him as a little kid. His dad, he thought the world of. It broke my heart. Still does.
I can see what your son is upset about and why he needs to vent. You are really doing well if he feels he can tell you those things, Mighty.
Of all the things your son was robbed of, having a strong father during his hs years is the one he'll miss the most. The rest of it? He learned long ago and a few experiments won't change that knowledge.
Being forced to be an adult by your parent is not pleasant and causes quite a bit of resentment. I watched that with my daughter and it has been unpleasant to say the least.
As for the comments etc your ex has made via text? Can I suggest two things: 1) don't allow him to text you any longer. Text is incredibly informal mode of conversation and it won't ever be worth doing with him unless he figures himself out. It just won't and that's pretty obvious from his response. Block his texts and force him to use email. Don't tell him first - he can call or he can email - nothing else.
Which leads to the second suggestion - 2) can you shorten your responses back to your ex when he asks about things like the football banquet? On the one hand he is asking if you have done something and included him and on the other he is telling you that you are the problem that (presumably) caused him to leave. The human mind is a funny thing. It will try very hard to protect itself. It is trying to protect itself from the societally learned "right and wrong" that he clearly walked all over. That's not even a conscious item most likely. But it's tearing him up (obviously). Your responses, while normal for any normal person (I would appreciate a detailed message like that) are not something he'll be able to process in a healthy way. You likely noticed.
Instead, maybe you can shorten it to just "yes" "no" or "that doesn't work for me" or "no, I did not" and then go radio silent. Your ex has the protective shell of a high-schooler at the moment - and the desire to "prove" to everyone (much like your desire to prove) how it's all you. The difference is, he is the one that left with the floozy and he's not in high-school You have nothing to prove whatsoever and in fact, as an adult, if you are quiet he'll find he has enough rope to hang himself (metaphorically speaking).
Keep listening to your kids, Mighty. I think that's a great use of your time, to be honest. Way better than letting ex have any headspace.
How's the upcoming surgery plans coming along? All's well on the eastern front I hope.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Mighty - you are getting stronger with each post. You may not realize it but to someone reading your posts it is obvious. I have teenagers and watching them experience this is heartbreaking. H is not in contact much with them. Just a random text now and then. So far they are choosing not to respond. I am trying to stay neutral and unemotional but it is all new so I admit I am not perfect at detachment.
The kids being older is a blessing and a burden. They should have a separate relationship with their father but this is a time when they are becoming young adults and forming opinions about marriage and family. For all their lives family meant one thing and now that one thing has been destroyed.
My D's are upset with H because he is treating the women in his life so poorly. I feel such a responsibility to show them strong boundaries. I want them to feel empowered.
I imagine you are tired of finding the balance between Detachment and Empathy. You are walking a tightrope but you ARE doing it. You are walking it Mighty. Hang in there.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
You might buy your son a copy of The Four Agreements or some similar book on how to live as a man of integrity. It might calm his fears of repeating their mistakes if he can see there are ethical roadmaps out there.
My son was 16 when this started. Tough for someone on the cusp of becoming a young man to have this happen. I am not going to lie, he lost his footing for awhile.
While you have extenuating circumstances, I just wanted to tell you what I did. I listened when my son needed to talk. But I also told him that what happened is between his father and I. I said that while I understood his anger and disappointment, he was still his father and that their relationship was theirs to forge. I told him that his job was to concentrate on school.
I did not ever say a bad word about his father. Not one. I did not make a face, roll my eyes or anything else while in my son's presence. (I wont say what I did in private...LOL)
As far as your xh. Do not engage. If you feel that you have to answer...as AJ says, keep it short and to the point. When he asked if you included him...a simple no. That's it. End of convo. Because clearly he is cray cray and you dont need to deal with that.
You get to show your son and daughter how to navigate through life's tough parts with dignity and strength and courage.
)
You have nothing to prove whatsoever and in fact, as an adult, if you are quiet he'll find he has enough rope to hang himself (metaphorically speaking).