Need help. Jefe's even more confused pt 5

[Jefe]

Well, No lashing for the evening. I really hadn't planned on hearing from her tonight but she called and was rather pleasant.

Texts from this morning:

M: I'm sorry, that was very rude and insensitive of me.
M: Sounds like that was very hurtful to you. I know how hard you've been working. Insanely hard. I can only imagine how tired this probably makes you. I know it must be hard being away from the girls. It was a foolish and reckless comment that should have never left my mouth.
W: Yes its extremely hard being away from the girls you have no idea.
M: I can only imagine. Please forgive my rudeness. You were being very sweet and that was very wrong.

This is pretty much it. I guess I could have lessened a little bit. My main focus at the moment was to defuse a "lashing" event. It appears that I was successful, for the moment.

I need to get better at being okay "with or without" as my sponsor puts it and GoatGal, Fundad, & Starsky have pointed out. I'm working on it.

BTW, Goatgal, where what do you play?

[Jefe]

Jim, Mozza...


I agree with sandi. Initially people spend a lot of time here, trying to wrap their heads around what has happened to them, and, sad to say, searching for the elusive "Magic Bullet" that, if they implement it "just right", will fix their marriage.

Or maybe they're just looking for some hope, and hope is here in abundance. Maybe just not in the form you'd like it to be.

This is the best place to vent and to talk through difficult times without having to test them out on our spouses.

Jim, in your case, do whatever you can to stop taking responsibly for your wife's feelings. HER FEELINGS ARE HER BUSINESS.
If she is unhappy, with life, or with you, it's not your problem right now.

She doesn't want to be your wife at the moment. Or thinks she doesn't want to be.
Which means your role with her has CHANGED.

You are not her rescuer, nor are you her emotional support. Let OM rescue her!

That said, always be upbeat, busy, kind, and friendly to your wife.
There is no need to be cold or distant.

But end the conversations first, don't ask questions, don't nitpick, think of her as someone who really can't have empathy for you right now.

Let your actions speak. You're GALing, you're busy with the children--you're friendly to her ON A LIMITED BASIS.

She doesn't get unlimited access to you and your soul while she is giving herself to another. It doesn't work that way, and it's time she figured that out.

You can't tell her this, she'll just have to glean it from your interactions.

Again. NOT curt. Not cold. Not indifferent.
But all you need to do is listen to her and let you know you heard her. Validate.
Don't fix! And you don't need to listen ad nauseum, either.

Use Zues's 80% rule:
Whatever warmth she gives out, give back 80%.
That will keep you from creating too much distance, but will not come off as pursuit, either.


And don't reassure her, either. Surely she knows you love her, that you're incredibly hurt, and you don't want this.

Sadly, at this point, she doesn't really care all that much. She will only begin to care when she sees that you are moving forward in your life and that the changes you make are permanent.


She will likely keep checking that you're still neatly in place so she can go off to play, confident that you're keeping her seat warm.

It when she looks back and sees you're not there putting your life on hold, that she will feel the pinch that you might not wait forever.

Again, actions. No need to say a word.



Keep up the good work!


---(G)GGG

I'm borrowing this from Little and Jim.

[Jefe]

NOPkins has this in their sig line, interesting:

-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.
-An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.

Cobra posted this:
"Make the jump to salvage your M. Don’t try to justify it, find reasons to support it, or anything else. Just decide that is what you will do. That very act of self-determination will start in motion the events to create the patterns that may ultimately result in your saving your M, rising above your don’t-give-a-sh*t-itis, and getting back the attention from your W that you want. You just have to go on blind faith and do it."

[Jefe]

I told you a while back your greatest asset is your heart and your capacity for love and forgiveness. But your greatest liability is the need to be vindicated when you believe you have been wronged....

....Change starts with ourselves because we can't change others.

Try to identify where your missteps occurred, why they occurred and what you can do to stop them from happening again. Then take action.

You're not doing as terrible as you think you think you are.

Hard to see from my vantage point.

I think I have further identified some of my behavior patters that helped get us to this explosive state, a further extension of:
"Hope, I know your trying to make an A/B observation on her lashing episodes. The other day you said she always withdraws before she lashes, not true. That's just how it has happened lately.

What I did today is the correlation. I am extremely fortunate that I did not receive lashing in return, and I still may, the day isn't over yet. The only reason I did not this morning is because I caught it quickly, apologized, and did not escalate it along with her which is my normal pattern. We keep poking back at each other till there is nowhere else to go but up and out."

We were working towards reconciliation until I stared pressing about Roger (OM1) and pressing and even made some threats about calling his girlfriend etc. It started to rapidly deteriorate from there. At that time I was monitoring the phone logs continuously throughout the day. I identified Johnny within the first text** (which she was more than likely trying to find out more information about the APA team that played on Monday nights). I got very inquisitive about Johnny and she was wanting to know why I was tweaking on him out of all of the team members. They texted more, I flipped more. I called her telling her I knew she was up to something. Being very insecure and overbearing while have NO real intel. It was the next day she started talking divorce. It would be another week before I found this place. A lot of damage was done by both parties in that week. But I see my place in it.

So, now we're walking through the nuclear fallout. I have made the decision to save my marriage. I have made the decision to change my behavior, not to "keep" her but because generally I've been an a$$ and I want my childeren to have a better father and my friends and family to enjoy being around me.

Just some observations.


**Side note about having your phone number on your FB page. I can find you using your phone number even if you have it selected as hidden. In other words, if I type in a phone number into the FB search field if it is tied to anyone in any fashion, hidden or not, it will parse a result. Thanks Johnny.

[FunDad]

A good verse for us today: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance" (James 1:2-3).

[Jefe]

AMEN.

The daily verse on my phone today was: Because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.
Proverbs 3:12


Side note. I had opportunity to gather some information about her FB postings this past week. Nothing. Not even the smallest little remotely tiny incriminating thing. Nothing at all. A whole bunch of random Religious memes.
I know this neither proves or disproves anything but I find a small bit of solace in it.

[FunDad]

I like that verse too. My favorite of all time is still PS. 150! I'll be doing some of that tonight and in the morning! ;-)

I'm glad you found some solace, but we both know you will drive yourself crazy trying to piece together what's going on in her head by looking at all the logs and FB stuff. It will bring you peace to just let that stuff go and free up some of your time to do something productive. You can't control her, so why chase that stuff? I made it a habit of praying for her instead of chasing the social media and Intel. I just don't care that much anymore because I'm starting to enjoy life again. Detach detach. Give up control and pray that your hearts be touched with wisdom and grace. :-)

FD

P.S. Did you listen to the Garrison Keillor show yet, it would be fun with the kids also.

[Jefe]

Wife is on her way to pick up the girls for the night. I as so nervous with anticipation, geeze.

[Jefe]

Okay. So tomorrow my wife is taking the girls to the park to visit Roger/OM1 at the park for about an hour. I gave her the pack of photos that I put together for him. She looked at me with the most loving eyes. She said: "That was nice...Wow, that was very nice." as she looked at the package.

It was very hard to give that to her and even speak his name. It's going to be hard knowing they are at the park with him tomorrow.

[FunDad]

Wow. That was sacrificial love. Reminds me of what our savior did for us. You know the Chris Tomlin song, "Amazing Love?". For a couple of weeks I let it play softly all night long as I slept. Chains are being broken.