Wife walked away (4 months ago now) thread 3

[BigMac]

That's a pretty loaded question.

The most important goal I have that rises above all others is to continue to heal and find myself while shepherding my son through this process. You really only have one shot as a dad. And he has been so hurt by this process.

I have found so much joy and pride knowing that I'm here for him, but also here for myself. I absolutely love being an active and involved dad. I was always there for my son, but when the W left, I was all he had. I don't think I ever believed I could do it all on my own until I had to.

For myself, I dropped almost 50lbs from last Christmas. Though I'm up about 10 since moving out to where the WAW lives (Managing stress levels when dealing with her is a challenge, and stress hormones cause weight gain.

I want to get down another 20 lbs or so, and I would love to put on some muscle (bigger chest and arms).

I want to continue on with my spiritual growth. In November I started a study in Buddhism. It's helped me immensely with my PMA, and most importantly really finding my true self vs being defined by my ego self.

I do want to restart my career this next year. I gave up everything, and put a lot on hold to focus on this craziness. I need to move on and continue building my career and make an impact at work.

Regarding the issues in my M,

I had two major issues, though most of them were related to co-dependance. I was always rescuing and caretaking the W. All the negatives that go along with that were present.

Oddly enough, when I started calling out and stopping the co-dependant behaviors on my part was when she pulled the rip cord.

Other then that, another big issue in the M was that my stress levels were to a 9 most of the time. Meditation and rebalancing my responsibilities have helped with that.

I have also taken and continue to take communications courses and training. I use a lot of I feel and I want statements. I practice active listening.

So, I hope that the issues are not dormant. But I guess the big test will be sometime down the the line when I am ready to be in a relationship, how does it go right?

[Zues126]

Awesome big. I have been asking myself the same questions, was just curious how you were dealing with them. We share some of the same issues, and it can be hard to measure progress in a vacuum. Personally, I know if I were in a new R I would have challenges beyond the fact it is far too soon. So one of my goals is to grow to a point that if down the road when I'm open to a new R I am ready to be healthy on my side. Of course, I'm leaving the door open for that R to be with my STBX, but either way I know I have more work to do.

-meeting my own needs and finding y own happiness
-being transparent and honest about who I am, what my boundaries are, and what I want from my partner
-healthier views on sexuality so what I am looking for is realistic and an be met by a healthy woman
-improved tool sets to deal with conflict so I'm better prepared to trouble shoot as issues arise.

I am working with my IC to 'debrief' on the failed R and look more closely at where I came short in those areas, and ways to grow so I could do better in the future. My DB coach has been a guide towards interacting with my STBX, my IC has been a guide on my personal growth. There's some overlap but that's the gist of it.

You have some well defined goals, and considering where you were just a few months ago that is awesome. I am celebrating your journey. I've found it helpful to use the question "if I were in a new R where would I struggle" as a guide to my personal efforts so I wanted to share. The best part is its harder in our minds than in real life. Right now all I can see is the adversity, conflict, low trust, dysfuctional part of he relationship...if i can grow enough to be prepared for that I'm confident that I will do well. Of course, if STBX comes around some day and we ever started piecing that is how it would be at first so I'm doin my part to be ready. Looks like you are too, keep it up. Just because you're solo now doesn't mean you're not working on your M, present or future.

[BigMac]

I like your quote -

"Just because you're solo now doesn't mean you're not working on your M, present or future"

I have so much to grow. I started the relationship that became my M at 19. I missed out on some key skills and life lessons. Now is the time to learn them.

It's funny. I grew so much already, and it is just the start.

Tonights GAL activity - Swing lessons and then a dance.

[BigMac]

Update -

So, now that we have a divorce filed be me in a state that ensures fairness between both parties, reality has been starting to set in with the WAW.

I've been much more Alpha with her, standing my ground firm now that there is not a risk of her fleeing the state with my S9.

And now, she wants to go to counciling and learn co-parenting skills with the goal of being friends.

This is a huge change, where for the past x months she's been pretty vile towards me.

[sandi2]

And you are surprised that being alpha male is more attractive to her?

[BigMac]

Sandi2,

I am not surprised. You have said it over and over again.

Full disclosure, I had to ensure that she didn't leave the state she moved too, and she has residency here now, and a court case under her name.

Before this I wasn't free to just let her be a grown up. Now I have been implementing all of Sandi2's recommendations.

I do wonder whether she realizes that her dreams of living rich off my alimony are now over, and is just trying to weasel back into my good graces. Or, if she ever could love me.

Either way, I can't be married to her. She is sick with spending addiction, and terminally low self esteem. Who knows what our relationship will look like, but I can never trust her if she has unbridled access to finances.

[sandi2]

I do wonder whether she realizes that her dreams of living rich off my alimony are now over, and is just trying to weasel back into my good graces. Or, if she ever could love me.

I believe you answered your own question better than I could.

Either way, I can't be married to her. She is sick with spending addiction, and terminally low self esteem. Who knows what our relationship will look like, but I can never trust her if she has unbridled access to finances.

Who knows what may lay await in the future. You have found yourself again, so maybe she will turn out to be better later on than she is now.

[Mozza]

BigMac - One of the lurkers here, to thank you for updating your story. It's very interesting. I hope you'll keep coming back, whichever way it goes.

[BigMac]

You nailed it. I don't know where this road ends. I think I need to continue finding myself, integrating myself as a man and as a father.

Would I love for my wife to be active in my life (I know she will always be in my heart), of course. It would take forever to trust her.

I've been reading a lot on the female psychology, how when you move from alpha male to beta that they basically lose their place in life. This isn't any excuse for her behavior, but being divorced allows me to just be me. To not have a fear of being divorced. I figure that will be attractive to her. Though I am not sure I can let her back in with her behaviors of lying, cheating, abusive spending.

Now, she is being nicer. Is being friendly. She calls me every day now, to hand the phone to S9. We end up chatting for a bit. Like we used too..

So, no matter how it works out. Today is something I can live with. We are moving forward with the D, and that is a sucky process, but at least for this week treating each other like humans.

If we end up through this as co-parents and friends, that is a good place.

[BigMac]

So last night the WAW emails me asking why her rent didn't get paid. I'm not sure what goes through her mind, but I think she expected me to pay it (or was pretending to think that).

I'm not sure what world she lives in, but it must be nice.

My boundaries are firm, I am not going to let her con me into paying her bills. She makes really good money, and needs to actually be responsible for herself instead of relying on everyone else to bail her out in life.