Need help. Jefe's even more confused pt 5

[Starsky309]

Awesome book!!!

[FunDad]

I can't tell you how much detaching has helped my emotional well being. Life is enjoyable again. I woke up excited to go to work today. That's the first time in a long time. I'm looking forward to having kids tonight, going to a game tomorrow. What my wife does is not a concern to me at all (that I realize anyway). You are only a few steps behind me, I think you can get to where I made it if you keep trying. It's so nice to see the fog starting to lift. Of course, the downside is that I *feel* less concerned about making the effort to reconcile; however, in a way I'm better detached that way. I'm still making an effort to be compassionate, kind, and caring - But - her rudeness, rejection, blame, and other negative emotions don't bother me as much as they did before, and that brings a real sense of freedom. Also, to know what's going to most likely happen legally helps too. So bottom line, hang in there.

[Hope414]

Jefe,

This is where I break with the group. Please refer back to previous discussions we had on the topic of money. We suspected your wife had a problem about your employment situation. We suspected financial insecurity was an issue for her.

Now it has been confirmed.

Instead of feeling relief that your suspicions were confirmed you attacked your wife.

I believe you attacked because you were upset. I believe you were upset because you allowed your mind wander into dangerous territory.

Let’s reset and go back in time.

How do you think you might have reacted if you would have had this conversation with your wife on 10-14-14?

Would you have permitted her to speak? Would you have encouraged her to express her fears? If you would have had different listening skills on 10-14-14—why? What made your listening skills different today?

Also, what steps are you taking to change your financial situation? You said you were going to make changes. Did you? I’m not judging but you said you felt you should make changes. You felt this was in your family’s best interest. Have you changed you mind? If not, what are you doing? And why didn’t you share this information with your wife?

I strongly disagree with things your wife did. She has an equal role in the destruction of your marriage. But she was not operating in a vacuum. You have culpability. And I admire you for recognizing this.

I told you a while back your greatest asset is your heart and your capacity for love and forgiveness. But your greatest liability is the need to be vindicated when you believe you have been wronged.

This time you embraced your liability and it caused you to ignore an open door.

When people are facing divorce there are very few open doors. You do not have the luxury of shutting them.

[Jefe]

Both my sponsors are on pretty much the same page as you are, btw.

"Would you have permitted her to speak? Would you have encouraged her to express her fears? If you would have had different listening skills on 10-14-14—why? What made your listening skills different today?"

The simple fact that I ruminated over an event all night long in my sleep, (one, my sponsor reminded me, that I have ZERO information about) had my mind in resentment mode. I was trying to make it all about me. It was not about me, she was simply expressing her feelings. And it was such a pleasant covnersation too.

"Also, what steps are you taking to change your financial situation? You said you were going to make changes. Did you? I’m not judging but you said you felt you should make changes. You felt this was in your family’s best interest. Have you changed you mind? If not, what are you doing? And why didn’t you share this information with your wife?"

I have not changed my mind at all, I have just delayed the move. With her new job requiring her to work M-Sat 10-12 hr days, I now must be available to take and pick the kids up from school everyday. And right now, after school care is just NOT an option I'm open to right now. So that limits my time I am available to an employer. I'm am still hunting a position with one of my contacts that will agree for me to be real flexible for the first 6-12 months. We may have a solution or 2 coming.

I absolutely slammed a door, I'm hoping it isn't locked.

I apologized, maybe a little too much, but I did.

I see clearly today what I need to work on. And it's all between my own ears.

[Hope414]

Change starts with ourselves because we can't change others.

Try to identify where your missteps occurred, why they occurred and what you can do to stop them from happening again. Then take action.

You're not doing as terrible as you think you think you are.

[Jefe]

Hope, I know your trying to make an A/B observation on her lashing episodes. The other day you said she always withdraws before she lashes, not true. That's just how it has happened lately.

What I did today is the correlation. I am extremely fortunate that I did not receive lashing in return, and I still may, the day isn't over yet. The only reason I did not this morning is because I caught it quickly, apologized, and did not escalate it along with her which is my normal pattern. We keep poking back at each other till there is nowhere else to go but up and out.

There's your insight for the day.

[Jefe]

Jefe ... I am reading "Hold on to your N.U.T.S." ... you might want to take a look .. short book and has some really good tools you might benefit from.

I will look for that one today.

Thanks guys.

[GoatGal]

Hope you like squirrels...

[Jefe]

Ha!




Sadly, it took me a minute.

[Jefe]

When I am on a desktop machine, I will send a partial transcript of the subsequent texts.