Haven't fully thought out your answers and I'm sure some could have been improved
but no ONE talk or act will end things for good (outside of violence).
So far it sounds decent enough from where I sit. I'll read your post more later on though and give it more thought.
I don't see much damage done by you, however. And do NOT read into her comments. A lot of what she is saying, is stuff she's "trying on" for size, if that makes sense.
In time it may become more uncomfortable.
Any discussion of your delight about the changes you are NOW making?
Also when she brings up HER r's with others, make sure its clear that those relationships are HER responsibility and,
while you'd NEVER do or say anything to harm those r's,
you also are not taking ownership of them. "W, I can't control your r with others. All I can do is support you with them and be loyal to you vis a vis my family. And I am doing that, but please make sure you make YOUR needs known to them b/c I for sure do not want to be a middleman. For one thing, better more direct communication was an issue for us and I hope it won't be anymore. I think That's best for everyone, BUT please do let me know if you don't agree. Fair enough?"
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
But when men feel guilty they tend to attack, and women tend to flee.
Hope this helps without being too much of a hijack.
Thank you 25yearsmlc. Your post helped me a lot. I'm still not sure I should wait her LDEA out. Even so, I wonder what would happen if I just trusted my W? Showed her that I trust her? Told her so? I already told her that I don't trust her now. Still thinking about that one...
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Wow, your explanation of what goes on in a woman's head when they're having an affair was spot on to my situation. I confronted her, had some good talks and then she seemed to regress once I started to put my foot down on her making a choice. I'm guessing it's the fine line between acceptance of OM and trying to get her to work on M that is where I need to focus.
Thanks.
MCS
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Mozza, what's with you and the stroller situation? I can't believe that's a hill you're willing to die on. What's really under that?
I must be explaining it wrong. It's not about the stroller: it's about two visits a day to my house. She comes into the very small backyard (we're in the city) and appears in my office and kitchen window, morning and evening. This is very stressful and doesn't help me feeling better. We don't even interact: I just see her by the window and she might see me (increasingly so as it will be dark outside) and anything that's going on at my house.
Also, every other parent just drops the stroller at the daycare. I'm not asking her to do anything others don't.
Any clearer? Really, I'm not sure why it's not a no-brainer!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
It must be that most of us might see it as not that big of a deal. It must be a big deal to you.
That's why I asked: what's underlying your concern? Do you think she's spying? Do you think she's taking advantage of you by parking your child's stroller in your back yard? It's not a visit, she drops off a stroller. She probably doesn't like it either.
Maybe there's some control stuff there on your part?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'd feel weird about the popping up like that, too. Twice a day? Yeah, I'd feel stalked, for sure.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Mozza, what's with you and the stroller situation? I can't believe that's a hill you're willing to die on. What's really under that?
I must be explaining it wrong. It's not about the stroller: it's about two visits a day to my house. Oh, so you get TWO chances a day to show her the new you? See, a lot of folks complain about their changes not being shown to their WAS's b/c they do not get the chance to show them......
How long will it be, do you think, before you can change enough and become enough of the new improved DIFFERENT You, so that you can handle interactions with her?
She comes into the very small backyard (we're in the city) and appears in my office and kitchen window, morning and evening. This is very stressful and doesn't help me feeling better. We don't even interact: I just see her by the window and she might see me (increasingly so as it will be dark outside) and anything that's going on at my house. 1) WHY don't you interact? Get near the stroller (coincidentally of course but hey it's your house) And why is it a bad thing for her to see inside the home?
I mean, are you dating? Are you uber sloppy? Dating could work to your advantage....
Could you at least do something or act as if, and let her see that? b/c for ME this is such a huge opportunity, not a burden. I'm NOT clear why you see it as a bad thing. Truly, I must be a fool b/c it's NOT a "on brainer" to me.
I know LIttloe said she would "feel stalked" too. If I am not mistaken, Little also has few chances to show HER Walk away bf, her new self. So YES this does confuse me.
Also, every other parent just drops the stroller at the daycare. I'm not asking her to do anything others don't.
Any clearer? Really, I'm not sure why it's not a no-brainer!
She expressed concern the stroller might get stolen & that sounds like a plausible or even very reasonable concern. Are you certain ALL the other parents leave their strollers there? And is it heavy to carry? Or does it require her to get out and go inside the daycare to get it?
Are there ANY other reasons you can think of, that SHE has for not liking to get it there, other than theft?
I realize you don't share her concern, but it's not quite a "no brainier" to me or to your wife. How did you explain YOUR concern to her? Did you say you wanted more privacy? That's about the only thing I can think for you to say that isn't weak sounding (no offense!)
If it's that important to you, okay so be it. But I think there's a downside to your choice which you're not in touch with. And I can't see how your wife will agree with YOUR reasons for not wanting her to get it at your place.
It might make you look less flexible or a bit paranoid, or both.
Were any of your w's concern about the marriage, related to issues like this? What did you say SHE WOULD SAY- if she were here?
And would SHE see this as more of the same old you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It's the colleague I suspected since the beginning. She wrote me that she meant to tell me in person but we canceled our lunches this week. She doesn't want me to hear it from the grapevine (too late!) and she wants me to know who hangs out with our daughters. She's also asking me to let her know if I meet significant someone that will hang out with the girls.
What do I respond?
I really want to say: "Don't worry, I've known for a long time."
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I think I get what Mozza is saying about W popping up twice a day with the stroller.
He's hurt, angry, and needs to have a sense of safety. Sometimes seeing her going about her day, maybe just coming from or going to OM, it's too much.
His sitch is really new. It may be he needs a little space to detach from her actions. Not forever, but for a bit.
The last thing I'd want when the pain was still fresh would be to see my H outside my window twice a day, knowing that he didn't love me, didn't want me, and was off to see his OW.
Sorry, but I think Mozza is well within his rights to insist that the stroller stays where everybody else's strollers stay. For now.
And yes, his W may well be scoping things out as far as he's concerned. Not that he has anything to hide, but IMO, she is not only eating cake, but she wants to make sure that he's keeping the home fires burning.
I doubt she'd be thrilled with him popping by her place twice a day for something, let's face it, is not critical.
I'm with 25years. You can express to her that, under the circumstances, you'd prefer she leave the stroller at the daycare. Period.
Of course, you can't force her, but you CAN pull the shades and ignore her when she shows up. FOR NOW.
Eventually, when you're feeling stronger and more in control of your emotions, you can revisit the situation, go out and say "Hi", whatever.
If we're supposed to draw boundaries to protect our well-being (not to control our spouses) and her daily visits are painful to Mozza at this time, then I think it's fine that he continues to be warm and upbeat when they're actually together, but he doesn't need to be available to her whenever, and he doesn't need to have his life under a microscope so she doesn't get upset.
As long as he doesn't come across cold or distant or angry, it's fine to be "too busy" to acknowledge her when she shows up, and maintain a level of privacy.
This is not punishment for her, it's survival for him, if I'm reading him correctly. And this tactic is temporary for him to gain some equilibrium here.
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
