My Wife Filed Today

[FunDad]

Had a good meeting with my attorney today. I presented a simple solution that is backed up sufficient information that may keep us from having to go into mediation.

Was also able to play drums at my home church again tonight. Lots of fun and reconnecting with old friends.

On the W front, we exchanges some texts, some business, some friendly. a pretty good day all-in-all.

Been praying for the folks on this board. I know being a LBS is so gut-wrenching. Our human bodies and emotions were not designed to hold this much hurt, and in some cases anger. Cast that stuff on the Lord, and let him him take it. He will, and will bring you peace.

FD

[FunDad]

I had some criticism thrown at me from the wife today during pick ups. I help get them to & from school two or three times a week. I've asked that all the kids be ready when I come by so I don't have to make two pick-ups from her house in the morning (I need to be at work on time). The teen was still showering and not ready. She was starting to anger up a bit and said "You want it that way out of convenience for you". I was not ready for her rude comment and I wish I would have handled it better. I said, "So now I'm on convenience trial?" and told her I'll be back in a bit and I left. I thought about asking her to take the teen herself, but I came back and got him after dropping off my two D's. I think it's reasonable to want to avoid several trips, but she's convinced I'm being selfish on this aspect. The teen likes to sleep later and it gives him an extra 15 min if I make two pick ups. It makes it harder on me to get around town and back to work on time however. The W seems to look for things like that to point out that I'm being self-centered.

I've learned the better response on a firey dart like that is to simply say "I understand". Instead I pushed her back, when I could have acknowledged her feelings. At least I did not stick around and argue with her however.

[Jefe]

That's good. It's progress.

""You want it that way out of convenience for you"" Um, well, yeah. Duh.

[Hope414]

Do you realize she told you her issue and you ignored it?

"You want it that way out of convenience for you".

Yes, you help the kids “get to and from school two or three times a week” but what is she doing before you get there? And…who gets them to school when you don’t?

Okay, you have asked that “all the kids be ready when you come by so you don’t have to make two pick-ups” from her house in the morning because “you need to be to work on time” but who do you think has the stress of enforcing this request?

The kids or your wife?

So when the kids aren’t ready and you get annoyed…who do you think you are criticizing?

Let me translate what you said this morning:

“Wife, you have failed in your job to get the kids ready…AGAIN!”

Again, we go back to your problem-solving issues.

If the teen likes to sleep later and isn’t ready when you get there then your issue is with the teen. Not your wife.

You are the father—go deal with it. If the other kids are lollygagging around instead of getting ready…and this is delaying you…go take care of it.

Why are you angry at your wife?

She’s not the problem. Your kids are the problem. They know what time you will be there. Why are they disrespecting you? Why are you letting them? Why are you angry at your wife because you have allowed your kids to treat you like this?

Don’t blame your wife. You are an equal partner in the raising of your children. When there is a problem with the kids your first instinct should be to work with your wife and develop a successful strategy to deal with the problem.

Not blame your wife for becoming angry at your passive parenting.

The truth is—your wife isn’t the person pointing out self-centered behavior.

[FunDad]

Thanks Hope. That's good insight. I'll have a chance to try again at this on Friday. She really does not like me hanging out in her house much but she does really appreciate it when I take kids in the mornings. I'll ask her what I can do to help get teenager going in the morning.

[HPoirot]

Hello FunDad. What if your asked her, "How would you feel if..." and then make a suggestion for how you can take action to make sure the teen gets going in the morning (like, "... I told him to do x"). This instead you of asking your W to think of something you can do to help. It could show you're actively taking the lead in your family while making her feel heard.

[Jefe]

Even better.^^^^
If you ask what you can do, you are asking her to make the decisions again. If you ask, how would you feel if, you're making the decisions and considering her feelings.

[FunDad]

This morning went much better. Last night I asked the teen to be ready on time and he was. I ended up making a couple trips anyway however because D7 forgot her back-pack. It made D7 feel cared for that we went back for it.

[Little]

I'm a tough love person. Forget your backpack? You can explain why you aren't prepared for school and then make plans not to forget it again.

Same with lunches.

Consequences hekp kids become responsible for age-appropriate tasks. It builds independence.

[FunDad]

Normally that's my mode of operation (consequences), but today because I had some extra time so I went the grace route. She was also ready on time and acting better then normal also. The extra conversation was good for us also.