Sigh. The fact that you added the "MAY be due to my changes" part is what makes it mindreading. That shouldn't have even crossed your mind at all.
"May be", and "Is" are two different things. One is mindreading. The other is wondering and acknowledging that "true" and "false" are equally likely.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
Yes you have to monitor positive interactions but you take it to the extreme.
That's your opinion, and I disagree.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
Have you really read the books? They document what's going on, sure, but you will also notice that many people are advised to stop looking at every action their spouse does.
Yes I have read DR. And again, I don't note every action that my spouse does, just the ones that I feel are worth mentioning.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
It would be different if you were to change some behavior and then document it's result. Prove that there is a correlation between the two. But right now all you do is list everything she does.
I did change my behavior, since my last DB coaching session. I've been documenting its results since the beginning of this thread. And again, I am not listing EVERYTHING she does. NOT...EVEN...CLOSE.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
For someone who works with people as a job, you seem to have a difficult time understanding what others are communicating to you.
Ever think that perhaps it's YOU who has a difficult time effectively communicating with others? They have seminars for that.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Not really. I've helped many M's with the same advice and method of communicating with no problems.
You've used the same self-righteous, condescending tone to help others? That's impressive. Good for you. Not many people can basically be a jerk to strangers and get them to listen, so kudos to you. You have a talent. Unfortunately, that tone doesn't jive well with me, so please bow out of my threads from now on. Thanks.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
No they weren't condescending. You made a remark, I remarked back. I don't see where it was condescending. Go back and read what was written. All I said was that you should not mindread and explained why it was mindreading and then you continued to debate back rather than trying to read what I wrote.
In fact, you were the one who posted a snarky remark first and I responded in kind. You really shouldn't try to dish out what you can't take yourself.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"For someone who works with people as a job, you seem to have a difficult time understanding what others are communicating to you."
^ That was you starting with the snarky remarks, no?
And don't worry, I can take anything you can dish at me. I've taken, and delivered a LOT more than that.
You've helped me in the beginning, and I appreciate that, but but at this time, I don't feel you're helping. It seems you're just getting on my case just to be a jerk. Ergo, my request for you to bow out of this thread still applies.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Hey Mindsin... I understand where you're coming from about snarky remarks and such. I get hammered hard on my thread too. Even so, and saying this as another guy trying to find his way through this hard learning experience... take this time to practice taking a step back and really read the comments. A lot of us guys here are really clueless... double for me... and don't hear the valuable information buried in words that sound like snark. If any of us ever really listened like this before... maybe we wouldn't be here now. We're lucky to have this board...
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
^^^ I'm glad you said that, HP, because i was thinking the same thing. I often refused to hear my H's complaints because they weren't wrapped in a neat, sensitive bow. Hmmm. Juat because something stings doesn't mean we shouldn't be open to hearing it. I come to this forum to get a new perspective. I've been pushed hard to see myself and interactions with my H in a new way. At the very least, we have to be able to say, huh... I hadn't thought of it that way. Let me let that marinate a bit, especially if it stings.
Otherwise, if you just want people to "yes" you all the time... you're probably not going to actually make any changes. To change means facing some difficult truths and dealing with discomfort.
Let that marinate, Mindsin. Everyone is rooting for you.
"For someone who works with people as a job, you seem to have a difficult time understanding what others are communicating to you."
FWIW, this wasn't meant to be a snarky remark. It was an observation and one that I and others mentioned before. It was meant as a way to relate what you do for a living and try to apply it to yourself. It's not easy, but if you're going to take every bit of commentary on your thread as some kind of personal attack rather than looking within, then you won't be successful.
HPoirot and claire7 get it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
^^^ it's interesting to me that this statement **could** be interpreted as snarky, if one chose to.. or could be interpreted as a neutral (or even compassionate) observation, if one chose to.
One of my H's biggest complaints in our M was that I never gave him (his words, actually) the benefit of the doubt. I often interpreted what he said in a negative way, even when he said he didn't intend it that way...
Let it marinate. Let go of the defensiveness, and the need to be "right". Just because someone didn't interpret what you said the way you intended it doesn't mean THEY are WRONG. (It doesn't mean you are wrong either, btw.)
Does that make sense?
(MrBond... I am so flattered and take your words as a HUGE compliment! A major update to my thread coming later tonight, which I could SURELY use your insight on!!)
Bond - For the record, my job is not to work with people. I just happen to work with people, in a company, as do most Americans who work for a living.
I don't take every bit of commentary on my thread as a personal attack -- only yours for some reason. Who the F knows. Maybe I'm just having an off day. Maybe you pushed my buttons at the wrong time. Maybe I have a lot of pent-up anger and it's directed at you.
I don't know. All I know is that I feel that I'm making good progress, and my W's attitude has made a dramatic shift lately. For the first time in forever (sorry for the Frozen reference), I finally feel like I'm heading in the right direction, and it's not just for a day or two. It's been more or less steady progress for three weeks. I feel like the combination of my focus (as advised by my DB coach), my great new job, my dance lessons, my level of fitness which I've never been able to achieve before, has really put me in a great place.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
