frankly my darling...

[Ahoy]

dgb60, maybe plan something at your house (have friends over doing some kind of activity) so it's not convenient for him to meed your daughters at the house. He needs to do that elsewhere. The less he sees of you, the more likely he is to wonder what you're up to. The changes you are making are really for you, not him, so don't worry whether he sees them or not, because it might not make any difference in your R, but it will make a difference in your own life and sanity.

As of yesterday (and this might not last), I've decided that I don't care whether my H sees my changes or not. They are really not for his sake anyway. My changes and goals are as follows: 1. no more victim narrative for me; 2. moving on with my life without fear and without feeling the need to seek safety nets. This includes not constantly looking over my shoulder wondering all the time if my H is seeing my changes, or wondering about his state of mind. I am my own safety net. Not even friends and family can really do anything about the situation. I am the only one who can make this situation better for me, so that's what I'm going to do.

[LisaB]

Hi Ahoy,

I'd be happy if anyone brought me champagne. I'll come take it off your hands if you like! As long as he didn't make you share it with him then I figure it's all good. Drink it while taking a long hot bath.

I love your birthday trip idea. Fun!

As Maybell said, your timeline is pretty recent - about the same as mine in fact. I get what you are going through. And I struggle with the same questions you mentioned:

I had read DB at the library so I don't have it on hand. What does it recommend doing in situations of cake-eating? I'm guessing NC? How does one be friendly and PMA and also go NC? I guess that's where I'm struggling.

I've asked this about 100x on my thread. I'm not sure I know the answer yet but basically it is to:
-focus on yourself and being the best and happiest you can be
-don't contact him first for reasons other than kids etc (NC)
-if he contacts you (about anything) always be polite, friendly and show PMA all day long, unless he's a jerk in which case ignore it

The last point is really important and something that confused me a lot. How to be friendly but NC? Here is an example of what I did. Let's say your H emails or texts you about your daughter something like "I'll pick up D14 today at 4pm"
Now in a mean angry cold mode you could reply "fine" or "ok" or whatever. But in happy PMA all day mode you say "Hi! That sounds great!" You don't have to ask any questions like "how are you?" or any of that. You can, but no need to.

Why should you do this? Because it conveys your happy and confident attitude. It makes him think "wait, why is she being nice? wait, why is she happy?"

It works. It makes him nicer to you, it makes him think that when he contacts you, you will always be friendly and cool. It makes him wonder why you are doing so well when he is perhaps not so happy himself.

Maybe you are over him and the relationship. Maybe not. But NC and seeming happy is not that big of a commitment so even if you are over him there is nothing wrong with trying it.

Now, if he contacts you and is rude or does something stupid, just ignore him. Don't do what I often did and explode.

I'm sure you already know all this but I'm just typing it up in case it helps you or someone else.

Hugs, Lisa

[Ahoy]

Thanks Lisa! I think one issue is that my PMA in the past has led him to believe that we can be best buddies and friends forever, so he gets to enjoy his exciting new affair while having an awesome supportive wife who is so upbeat and validates him at every turn, even when he's destroying our family.

I was responding to all of his communications as you recommend above -- upbeat, friendly, short. I don't plan on acting cold toward him, but I think I also need to dial back the positivity toward him. Because I really don't feel positive about him at all, and I just can't fake that anymore. I can be calm and businesslike and neutral, but I just can't do the sunshine and rainbows act anymore with him. It just facilitates his cake-eating and feels dishonest to me.

Luckily, he isn't rude because I don't give him many opportunities to be rude. I just feel the need to disengage with him as much as possible.

I really appreciate your advice and support -- I know I'm early into this race, but at the same time, our dissolution plans are supposed to go forward in January (just two months away), so in my case, I'm being forced into a sprint. At least I won't be dragged through his foggy nightmare for years on end, and can get on with my life...

[raliced]

Thanks Lisa! I think one issue is that my PMA in the past has led him to believe that we can be best buddies and friends forever, so he gets to enjoy his exciting new affair while having an awesome supportive wife who is so upbeat and validates him at every turn, even when he's destroying our family.

I was responding to all of his communications as you recommend above -- upbeat, friendly, short. I don't plan on acting cold toward him, but I think I also need to dial back the positivity toward him. Because I really don't feel positive about him at all, and I just can't fake that anymore. I can be calm and businesslike and neutral, but I just can't do the sunshine and rainbows act anymore with him. It just facilitates his cake-eating and feels dishonest to me.

Whoops! I was posting on your old thread. I've been struggling with this too - Being upbeat and positive in the middle of dissolution/divorce proceedings feels inauthentic.

I'm aiming for calm and businesslike and when truth darts are necessary, I'm doing my best to state them simply and without malice and move ahead.

My goal is only no ugliness or anger for now. Once we have an agreement in place - I think I can manage more, but that's because I have two young children that we need to co-parent together for the next 15 years.

And I know it shouldn't matter, but I do think if things ever end with OW, it will be easier for me to be positive with him. The fact that I have to send my kids off to the two of them every week is still raw and difficult.

[rd500]

Hi Ahoy. Love the new thread tittle !!!!!!! I have the same issues re the pma but I keep it up because at best it might let W see I will be ok either way and at worse it annoys the crap out of her !! LOL.

Have no doubt that the champagne was a positive. If he didn't care at all then no thought let alone champagne. As for him expecting you to be ok Well I have to agree with him there (. Sorry LOL) because I expected you to be ok too !! Someone with your strength justs makes it seem like nothing could stop you !

Keep along the path you have chosen and all you will hear on here is support even if it doesn't always sound like it. Take care and watch the bubbles don't go up your nose !!!!!

[MrBond]

"I had read DB at the library so I don't have it on hand. "

Honestly, this is why you didn't DB very well. If you aren't willing to spend a few bucks for the book, it probably reflected that you didn't think the situation was worth it.

[Ahoy]

raliced, lisa, and rd, you guys are great! Thank you for your constructive feedback!

Bond -- I don't want to have a book on D sitting around for my teenage daughter to see, which is why I don't keep it in the house. I live 1 block from the library where I go FREQUENTLY to read that book (and also the books on the divorce process, because let's face it, I'm a realist). Please don't make assumptions. I'm sure lots of other people on these boards would welcome your feedback, so please feel free to share your advice with them instead.

Thanks to those of you who did chime in with suggestions -- you guys are awesome!

[bdub]

As I mention at the end of my previous thread, I want my H to leave me alone now. I need space and lots of it. If he hadn't left first, I think I would be tempted to be a WAW right about now. I KNOW I KNOW -- I'm a terrible DBer. This thread is my confessional for how much I feel I don't belong here right now.

I am doing all the right DBing things in front of my H, but my head and heart are no longer in it.

Just sharing my feelings -- I don't need to be set straight. I am fully aware of how far astray I am veering from the DB course.

Everyone takes a different course. Mine is much the same as yours. Luck to you.
My dissolution papers are being revised for the 2nd time and will be signed by December 1.

[Old Dog]

Ahoy. Go and read what Maybell wrote on the previous page and then read your new thread title again.

Being friendly, upbeat, keeping a PMA, DBing.

IT'S FOR YOU.

You can still keep it short and business like for idiot features, but you will be doing it for you, and also D.

(Not so) Old Dog xx

[LisaB]

Hi Ahoy, what Old Dog said!

I totally get that he doesn't deserve you to be nice. But it is not nice for HIM, it is nice and upbeat for YOU! You get to be the queen of awesomeness. You get to show him that you are always happy no matter what, and it has nothing to do with him. That is what will upset him. If you are cool, short, blunt - well, that is what he expects. He is out there making a new life with OW, he expects you to be mad, annoyed and cold. The more you seem happy the more you throw him off.

But I get it.

Honestly though, when you are really done with him you won't care at all. You won't be upset and you won't be irritated. You will not care. Nothing he does (except terrible things) will ruffle your feathers. So I'd venture that you are not done but that you are protecting yourself. I get it. But my advice is to only show him the happiest Ahoy you can. Not to get him back, but to get back at him if you want to think of it that way.

Imagine tomorrow you meet the man of your dreams. That guy on the white horse. And on top of that you win the lotto and your daughter gets into Harvard University. You somehow know everything will be perfect now and everything in life will go your way. Wouldn't you be happy? And imagine your H sends you a text message while you are in the midst of your dreamy life. You have a permanent smile on your face. How do you reply? You are friendly and happy, because you are in bliss land.

That is how you want to seem in every interaction with him. That will not only make your future relationship better but it will also bother him. Isn't that great?

Big hugs to you!
Lisa