Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD

[gogofo]

She is not seeing an IC. You are correct as to making progress and then the past coming up and muddying the situation.

She just sent me a text about not wanting to do anything Thanksgiving. She wants to split the week with the kids, her the beginning and me the end of the week.

So it seems that the fondness exercise backfired royally towards bringing us together. Feels like now it is driving us apart again.

I don't know if she is feeling pressured again and is getting scared or what it is.

I think I will reach out and ask to talk tonight about how she is feeling.

Roller coaster time again...

[gogofo]

Her changing her mind on Thanksgiving has me thinking that maybe she is feeling overwhelmed by the pace we are moving, I don't know.

The Wednesday before we talked about doing what we wanted to do for holidays and not worrying about what our families thought. She said it would be much easier if we did not live in the same town as our families so we could do what we wanted without feeling the guilt from both sides when either splitting the holiday or doing it with only one of them.

On Halloween night she told me that is was my job to plan what we were going to do for Thanksgiving. So I made a plan and have reservations and hotel rooms, etc.

Monday night I asked if she would go with me from that Wednesday morning through mid day Saturday. I don't know if she felt like this was pursuing and moving to fast. From my perspective she gave me the green light to make a plan and I did.

Reviewing what happens between us is that we have great interactions and help each other out very well. When we are spending time together we both seem to enjoy it. It feels we build some momentum and then there is a set back in feelings because of past issues in the marriage.

I even backed off big time with my physical touch, etc. I was working on building affection before trying for a kiss. We had been hugging, tightly, and even on Sunday night when I had to run to the store late at night we hugged strongly and she initiated it.

I know this time I have been very cognizant about my behavior, but I do not know if it is possible for me to help with her feelings from the past and how they effect her. I get motivated to pull 180s and change that person I see as a taker and un-involved in the relationship. She seems to feel the pain again.

Any vets have thoughts about the past creeping up and throwing us through the roller coaster?

[Elsa]

Hi gogofo,

I just read your thread from the beginning and I think our situations sound similar, with the genders reversed. My H is having a hard time letting go of the past and it continues to get in the way of our recovery. I will update my thread later today with some more about this.

Coincidentally, my H and I also started the same fondness exercise this week. We aren't sharing our thoughts with each other yet; however, H asked me if we could, and I think I may suggest doing so at the end of every week. Maybe using the week for reflection and then coming together to review would work for you and your W?

So far, my H hasn't said anything about it (other than that he's doing the exercises every day) so I don't know if he's struggling with any of the assignments. I had some difficulty with Day 1 myself, because while I think my H has many wonderful qualities, it was difficult to choose one that I feel like is being consistently demonstrated now. But the daily "thought" was very helpful, and I went to that mentally whenever I might have otherwise been upset with H.

It sounds like you are making some progress. Try not to be too discouraged by the inconsistency. From everything I read/hear, that's completely normal.

[gogofo]

Thanks Elsa, I will try and catch up on your situation.

I went to bed early last night after going to dinner with a couple friends. When I woke up the W had sent a text saying that I should not worry about going out of town with her on Friday, her SIL is going with her.

This is now the second thing she has canceled or does not want me to attend with her. I feel she is again separating from me and opting out of time we had planned to spend together.

I was really looking forward to going with her and her cousins and we had planned to have a lot of fun. We even talked about how much fun it would be.

Not sure what she is thinking now or how she is feeling, but it doesn't seem positive.

I want to send an email to her, just not sure how to say that I am concerned about how she is feeling and her angry feeling towards our past and how they effect our current relationship. In my opinion she needs to let it out on me, multiple times, so I can understand how EXACTLY she feels. I feel she needs to see me taking ownership of how I hurt her and I think she needs to get these things out.

[labug]

That's a lot of thinking about what she should do.

You don't know what she's feeling really. I would guess she's confused. Maybe she likes the idea of keeping the family together and being with you but has had a taste of freedom from certain constraints and likes that, too.

Back off, continue seeing her WITHOUT EXPECTATION and create new, better memories which will eventually, hopefully, take the place of the old memories.

It takes the LBS a while to see that things really can be different.

[sandi2]

Gogofo, the two of you are not in piecing right now, correct? She has to make the right decision first. She says she wants to work on the M but doesn't know how? Sounds like a weak excuse. With all the information available on the market, I believe she could at least read about "how" to work on it.

[gogofo]

Yes, I guess that was a lot of thinking about what she should do.

What is killing me is not knowing what she is feeling. I wish we were in a spot where we could share more than "I am angry". There seems to be so many things about "I am angry" that has me making assumptions.

My fear is that she will go to a lawyer and get the papers drawn up. I know she has talked to one recently and she said she is tired of the limbo that is our situation. During our last talk we were working on us again, had some good days, and now her changing her plans to be with me. She even invited me to go with her and her cousins and sent me the hotel info on Tuesday morning.

I know she is torn and in pain and I want to help her. Don't know if I can or if I should.

From my position it is the WAS that is taking a while to see that things really can be different.

[gogofo]

Gogofo, the two of you are not in piecing right now, correct? She has to make the right decision first. She says she wants to work on the M but doesn't know how? Sounds like a weak excuse. With all the information available on the market, I believe she could at least read about "how" to work on it.

This is how I feel too, but I don't know how to bring this up to her. I don't want to scare her away or for her to feel forced into things.

The fondness exercises was my suggestion and day one was okay, day two brought up painful memories and she has now started to pull away again.

I feel MC could help us, but last time I brought it up she didn't seem too keen on the idea. She felt that it was my controlling again and not respecting how she felt.

The past history of our relationship causes her great pain. Our new relationship has been significantly different, which she has noticed and acknowledged, but the good changes bring up anger in her about the past.

She said she doesn't want to feel angry towards me.

[labug]

Yes, I guess that was a lot of thinking about what she should do.

What is killing me is not knowing what she is feeling. I wish we were in a spot where we could share more than "I am angry". There seems to be so many things about "I am angry" that has me making assumptions.[quote/]
Why is it some important to know exactly what she's feeling? She probably doesn't know. If you knew how she was feeling, how would that change things?

It's more important for you to know what you're feeling.

My fear is that she will go to a lawyer and get the papers drawn up. I know she has talked to one recently and she said she is tired of the limbo that is our situation. During our last talk we were working on us again, had some good days, and now her changing her plans to be with me. She even invited me to go with her and her cousins and sent me the hotel info on Tuesday morning.

She might go to a L and file. If that's in her mind you can't stop her, so let go of your fear. Fear keeps you in the victim position and is a terrible place to operate from.

[quote]I know she is torn and in pain and I want to help her. Don't know if I can or if I should.

It's not our job to help anyone, unless they ask for it.

There's still a lot of fixing and control surfacing in you.

Why do you think that is?

From my position it is the WAS that is taking a while to see that things really can be different.

Your absolutely right, I got my acronyms confused.

[sandi2]

The fondness exercises was my suggestion and day one was okay, day two brought up painful memories and she has now started to pull away again.

I am not familiar with the fondness exercises. But let make something clear. What she may see as "working on you two" may not include a reconciliation of the M at all. You, on the other hand, have that as your goal in every action you take. She may have more in mind of a better friend relationship with you. Saying she doesn't know how to work on the M, sounds more like an answer given when a WAW doesn't want to deal with it (or LBH). Kind of a brush-off answer, so you will leave her alone.

The only thing that will scare her off is for you to push, control, and pressure her. Why did she leave the second time (after piecing)?