Need help. Jefe's even more confused pt 5

[Jefe]

Nooo. Not my intention at all. I meant when you asked me what I thought about her actions that day. Just wondered where you planned on going with it since I chose door number 3 and that wasn't one of the choices given. I thought there might me some grand source of wisdom I was perhaps missing out on.

She has withdrawn, no doubt about it. Possibly since my comment on Friday. maybe for other reasons. Who knows. I am beginning to wonder if this isn't just one long drawn-out lashing episode, her leaving, that is.

[FunDad]

Jefe - what's your foundation? One thing I've realized is that too much of my foundation was placed in my W, instead of my faith. Keep focusing on your faith, it's a much more stable foundation and does not fail like our spouse can (and will). I'm saying this because we both know you need to keep detaching from the emotional turmoil she has created. When you feel the need to go after the intel do something else instead: Pray, listen to a song, figure out a lick, plan something fun for the girls (even the next candy you will give them), look at a funny website. Anything. This will become a habbit and will help you stay positive.

[Jefe]

I know you're right. The events that led up to her walking out are going to hard enough to overcome. Everything that has happened since Sept is making it that much harder. The intel I gather makes it wors because it's not real information just little tidbits that my mind has a field day with. And yes, I'm in emotional turmoil.
Like Hope has said over and over I need to be patient and stay the course and stop letting every single little action dictate what the overall big picture looks like.

She did call this morning and not to talk to the kids. So that's something. But I guess I can't hang my hat on it.

The holidays are looking scary to me and I know it's just a mental thing I need to get over. For whatever reason my wife is not wanting my family and I'm assuming her family to know she moved out. She made some comment abot that the other day. So that means we are going to do Thanksgiving and Christmas at both places while we pretend all is well. Or she will choose to let everyone know thereby making it miserable for us to try and decide whe gets to spend what time with whom and who gets the kids for what event. I can't fathom why anyone would want to do this to their children. I don't think my w realizes that it's just just me she will divorce if she chooses to go that route but the entire extended families which are fairly close to both of us. It just hurts that she doesn't seem to be thinking about her family and marriage much.

Ok, enough negative thought for the morning.

Thank you FD.

[UpperCu]

Jefe, are you "covering" for your wife by hiding the fact she has moved out? And your holiday plans... Is she calling the shots on plans or are you making your own schedule? Sounds like you need to decide what you are doing rather than letting her decide for you.

[Jefe]

Not covering. My wife is under some strange illusion that this whole thing isn't blatantly obvious. My parents know but my wife doesn't realize that. Her mother knows because she is living with her. I don't know how much of the extended family knows. I have made it a point to not discuss our personal crap with anyone that doesn't "NEED" to know because it just makes the road back home that much less smooth. And besides people naturally want to take sides and that's not what this whole thing is about.

We don't normally make plans unless we intend on hosting, which it's not our turn this year. We just show up at either sides function when we are told to. I'm just saying any way you slice it, short of reconciliation, the Holidays are not going to be pleasant for me I just hope she doesn't make it any more difficult on the girls than she has to.

Oh yeah, my wife's birthday is on thanksgiving this year adding even more stress to the day than there already is.

[Sotto]

We don't do thanksgiving here - so one less occasion for us Brits to worry about! In terms of Christmas, I've just decided - that's one day, and I already have plans. For New Year? That's just one night and I will come up with plans. The rest can take care of itself. I'm not going to have a tree, and it will all be pretty low key, and I'll plan some nice stuff with friends etc.

Jefe, perhaps you could have a think about what you are and are not willing to participate in with regards to holiday stuff? There is no need for you to go to stuff that won't feel comfortable, and fine to let your W know this too....

There are implications to waywardness and family knowing may well be one of them. There is no need for you to collude in 'celebrations' in a way that you don't wish to.

You could have a think about how you, the girls and your family would like to enjoy the celebrations and let your W know what your preferences are.

Also, to talk of the holiday 'season' may extend it in your mind. These are just a couple of dates/events. For the rest of it you can do whatever you like.

I'm just thinking - well, I'm 47 and have had a load of nice Christmases - lucky me. This one may not be the best, but hey I've done pretty well this far. It's my turn to not have a 'great' Xmas and that's fine...

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is - you can worry about it - or you can not worry about it - your choice ;-)

And please don't think I'm trying to minimise any pain..I'm just trying to help!

[UpperCu]

"My wife is under some strange illusion that this whole thing isn't blatantly obvious."

If she really thinks that, the holidays may serve as a nice wake up call for her. I'm counting on the awkwardness and questions my W gets to rock her boat quite a bit.

But don't think that she is "not" thinking about the holidays and her birthday. I still have my W at home (she doesn't have anywhere else to go or I think she'd have moved out already) and she seems to be squirming thinking about how the holidays will play out. I think of the holidays as a time to flex my DB muscles and show how I can GAL, detach, and not pursue.

I know you have the kids to think about too, so I would suggest you find a solid plan for what they will do (with you hopefully) and do something different and fun this year. Maybe even spend some money too! Go out of town with the kids, go to a NFL game, parade, musical, SOMETHING to show you are a new Jefe. If you don't have money sell something to pay for it.

Now is really not the time to slow down Jefe, you know that. You don't have 5 threads on this forum because you are hopeless. You have a marriage and W worth fighting for, and you are just the man for the challenge.

[Jefe]

I'm sorry guys. I just having an rough week. Thank you for the vote of confidence, UC. You are right about all of it. I don't know why I'm feeling so hopeless now. I know this isn't going to be fixed tomorrow. I know Hope said I need to dig in. My sponsor said it's likely to get worse before it gets better. My mind is my worst enemy this week.

I want to stand and fight for my wife and my marriage. I just don't know what to do next. This hurry up and wait stuff kills me.

[Jefe]

Nooo. Not my intention at all. I meant when you asked me what I thought about her actions that day. Just wondered where you planned on going with it since I chose door number 3 and that wasn't one of the choices given. I thought there might me some grand source of wisdom I was perhaps missing out on.

She has withdrawn, no doubt about it. Possibly since my comment on Friday. maybe for other reasons. Who knows. I am beginning to wonder if this isn't just one long drawn-out lashing episode, her leaving, that is.

Even this is not very clear, Hope^^^

You asked me if I realized that she was asking me to carry out her threats. You said that should have been my first response. I am basically asking where you were going with this thought process.

So, what I meant to say was, Holy cow! She's asking me to carry our her threats! What do I do now?

[Jefe]

WOW, wife called to say thank you for something I did for her today and said: "Thank you for all you did today, you definitely made my day a whole lot better."

Very nice and completely unexpected.