Don't know if I belong here....

[Okabe]

There were small things like: not leaving a knife in the sink. Not washing her coffee cup that was by the dishes. She may have had more issues but she has told me nothing was wrong even when I had asked her.
There somehow was a no conflict rule of sorts.

[MrBond]

Really think about this. No one has that little conflict. in a M.

"She may have had more issues but she has told me nothing was wrong even when I had asked her."

In the beginning, did she tell you when something was wrong and then you talked her out of it as being not that bad? Did you really listen to her in the few times that she did comment on something?

"There somehow was a no conflict rule of sorts."

That is mindreading on your part. You don't know what she was thinking.

[Okabe]

Really think about this. No one has that little conflict. in a M.

"She may have had more issues but she has told me nothing was wrong even when I had asked her."

In the beginning, did she tell you when something was wrong and then you talked her out of it as being not that bad ? Did you really listen to her in the few times that she did comment on something ?

"There somehow was a no conflict rule of sorts."

That is mindreading on your part. You don't know what she was thinking.

I'll keep thinking on it.

It has been many years so it is entirely possible that I dismissed her feelings /
opinions at the time.

The telling of nothing being wrong was something that I had caught her in (and she admitted to) in the past and I thought she was done with that behavior until we had this conversation where it all came out that she's been mad/ sad/ disappointed and assuming I'll never change. So while it may be mind reading it is not with out precident.
I referred to "no conflict rule " as how we typically behaved.
I will keep thinking about it.

[Okabe]

Issues we've had:
Finances: mostly fine. When she stopped working and was taking care of the kids sometimes when I didn't transfer money to her to cover some of her expenses she would get annoyed with me. I usually do all the grocery shopping (I work at a store) and pay the bills. When I had extra money I would get it to her, but I could be inconsistent. Not one of our greater issues.
Household chores/ labor: I do the cooking and a lot of the cleaning, most of the outdoor stuff. She did take care of the laundry, vacuuming, picking up dog waste in the back yard: since her shoulder injury and have started school I have taken on doing those too.
Work- She worked before our 2nd child was born. I have encouraged her to get a job, mostly to get out in the adult world before but she always said it would be too hard to get schedules to work.
Child raising- she gets the boys to and from school most days and helps with their school work when they need guidance. I sometimes have gotten too stressed and yelled in the past, but so has she. We both acknowledged we need to not sweat the small stuff and have done better.
Affection- I suck at it. Sometimes I'll remember and give her hugs, etc. But I tend to get wrapped up in my head and forget.
Sex- We have fought off and on about it for years. I want it more frequently (we sometimes manage 1x a month, some times longer, and for short periods throughout our relationship more than 2x a month). I tried talking about it. I suggested she initiate, so I could just be affectionate and wouldn't have to worry if I made her feel bad about coming on to her when she didn't feel close, but that didn't appeal to her. I suggested planned times, but she didn't like that idea. It has been hard to get close when we have set up a life that is not very conducive to intimacy. I go to bed early and she stays up online gaming until 2am.
Online Gaming- We have fought about that in the past, but not for a while. At her worst she was playing online MMOs 8-12 hours a day. We did fight about that because it was affecting our children. She now mostly plays at night when the boys are watching tv or going to bed. She now plays 3-5 hours a day at least. I suspect if shes told anyone about the problems we're having it would be her online game friends.
Friends- She lost one of her best friends a couple of years ago and her other best friend she barely talks to (her friend is very busy with a big family). She has complained about feeling alone. I have encouraged her to go out and do things or join an activity, but she doesn't make friends easily.
School- I support her schooling and am happy shes finally going. She works hard and I praise her for her efforts.
In-laws- I get along with her family and she gets along with mine. We go and visit her Dad and Step-mom every year for 10 days, which is fine. I have told her when I do trips just with her and the boys I like those as well because I feel less on guard and relax more: she doesn't get this and gets a little annoyed.
Organization- She has gotten mad when she has tried a new method of organizing shoes, or mail, food in the pantry, etc and I (or the boys) don't follow it (we have sometimes). That is frustrating to her.

This is just my attempt to get some ideas out about conflict and where some may be. I will keep thinking.

[MrBond]

Okay now from that list, if we asked your W what issues she had with you, what would she say? Would she say that you were controlling? I see some tendency of that, especially in the money side of things. You "gave" her money if there was any extra kind of like a parent giving a child allowance.

[Okabe]

That is a point. I'll think on that. I always felt I couldn't tell her to do anything, she's stubborn and will dig in her heels and do the opposite if pushed to hard. I always felt like I was giving in but perhaps I am controlling in some ways and never realized it.

[Okabe]

Please don't think I'm trying to be difficult or place all the blame on her. I am not. I know I share in the responsibility for where we are now and that I contributed to the problems we have today. I want to figure these out and work on them so I don't keep making the same mistakes.

[Okabe]

Since Thursday last week I started backing off. I know that it's been noticed. How long does one give space and not bring up relationship talk? It's not that I am in a hurry, it's just that this is foreign to me. Otherwise we're getting along fine. We were talking politics last night and have been able to talk about her school stuff. Everything seems to be carrying on almost as normal.

[MrBond]

Did you read all of DR? The answer is there.

[Card29]

Okabe, I know you said earlier that it's hard for you to read DR with everyone around. You need to find time to read it, ASAP. Right now you're in the midst of a M crisis, the best solution is that book, and you're not reading it. Find an hour a day to read.

Also, have you read Sandi's 37 rules at the top of the board? It is also in that list, although not as directly as it is in DR.