Wife Having Affair - Won't Admit To It

[Starsky309]

fwiw, I do think that most wayward wives can still see their husband's good fathering, and at some level it connects with them. It matters. It's just that when a person is caught up in the throes of an affair, they are filled with resentment and SEETHING with a sense of entitlement usually. So it's more of a "yeah, he's being a good father but it's a little LATE, and besides, I DESERVE THIS (affair) -- I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY FOR ONCE!" sort of a thing.

[Mozza]

fwiw, I do think that most wayward wives can still see their husband's good fathering, and at some level it connects with them. It matters. It's just that when a person is caught up in the throes of an affair, they are filled with resentment and SEETHING with a sense of entitlement usually. So it's more of a "yeah, he's being a good father but it's a little LATE, and besides, I DESERVE THIS (affair) -- I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY FOR ONCE!" sort of a thing.

Thanks for the reminder. I try to think of it as "believe none of what they say". I'm happy to be a good father and can't imagine that my W would tell me anything to make me stray from this. Now that I know there's an OM, I realize better that I shouldn't take all that she said at face value. Even though I feel used now, I do agree that in the long run, it can only play in my favor. Also, I want to attract a woman who appreciates good parenting in a husband, not just a babysitter.

I hope all of this is useful to mikechc.

[sandi2]

Ok, I think I understand now. You guys had me worried!

[jim0987]

Final bit from me on this slight tangent but it irks so I just want to add a final 2 penneth worth.

I'm a good Dad. Not perfect but good. And BD hasn't and isn't going to change that. I wash them, clothe them, feed them, bathe them, play with them, read to them, clean them, teach them, take them places, make them laugh, comfort them and make sure they know they are loved. And a million other things. I look after them 3days a week and work the other 4 to out a roof over our heads and food on the table. I tell them off when they are naughty and apologise to them if my temper gets frayed. I've never hit them (don't agree with smacking).

Its harder because I'm sad and this is heartbreaking for my kids. I better know why my W found it so hard given she has been so sad for so long.

My W has said that she used to watch me with the kids and wonder why she couldn't just love me. And it upsets me the automatic assumption that somehow LBH weren't doing enough for the family.

So I suppose my point is that good dad or not the WAW will twist it to whatever fits their justification.

So be a good dad not because its going to help with the M but because its the right thing to do so that your kids have good lives and you get the unconditional love and happiness from your kids and grand kids. Hopefully if we teach them right they can avoid this pain in their marriages.

I'll get off my soapbox now.

Sorry if this doesn't help you mikechc

[mikechc]

25YearsMLC,

I actual put together most of this list before DB. Here are my comments on your reponses.

1) I never new how deeply it effected W. Doing everything I can to stop this completely.
2) Yes, looking back I see this. Hard to be happy in this sich, but know I have to.
3) I know this is big to W, but I think she knows I would be a good Dad with or without her.
4) You nailed this. I think this is exactly how she feels. Do I ever acknowledge this to her?
6) I'm in average shape, but would not call it physically fit. Working on that now.
7) I have gotten advise from everyone here, DB Coach, Past Therapist, not to pressure her by asking for sex. We are so far apart emotionally that if she did it, like the past several years, it would be out of obligation if at all.
8) I read 5 Love Languages years ago. Can't remember what she is, maybe physical touch. Need to look for the book and research.

It looks like your marriage was restored. I have been wondering about the different advise I have been getting here and who actually saved their marriage. That is who I want to get guidance from.

DB says to do what works, but I have not figured out what works for my sich. Trying to go by DB book and advise here.

Financial issue coming up right now. We were a little short with bills and had to pull some money out of our joint savings account to cover them. W said she was going to transfer money from her account, but has not done so. She just keeps transfering money from our savings. She also asked me about the price of Gold today. We have some gold that we invested in. Concerned she is going to cash that in and put the money in her account. I have not asked her about why she has not transfered the money yet. Any thoughts?

[1foot2]

I just wanted to chime in is support of what bravo/mozza are saying. I've never been egregiously lacking in father skills but post-bd I really got my rear in gear. And W noticed. During our last talk, in the midst of rambling about feeling wild and needing to follow this path, she pointed out how amazing I'd been with the kids and how happy it made her.

Makes no sense at all. Is it drawing her back? Maybe in the long term. Does it make her feel comfortable that what she's doing right now is having minimal impact on the kids because I am picking up her slack? Most definitely. It doesn't mean I'd ever do anything less, it's just very, very frustrating, and puts me into a category of devoted family member when all she wants is a sexy thrilling escape.

[mikechc]

Thanks for chiming in. I feel the same way. My 11S is disabled and needs lots of care for hygiene ect. and I do most of it in the morning and night, 7 days a week. We have a nurse that takes care of him at school during the day. This gives her time to go be with OM.

I know doing this does not replace what W was missing in her needs not being met by me. It's just frustrating.

[mikechc]

Starsky,

This is my W. Your dead on.

[bravo61]

yes 25,
i don't believe my W cares about the happiness of my children. she's more concerned with her "freedom" and going out with the girls than the effects of D on the kids. their behavior around her has taken a nosedive since i've moved out. but she has to "think about me! make decisions for ME!".

[25yearsmlc]

I have to say that to an extent I agree with mozza and bravo on this. It feels like seperation is win win for my W as she gets to have kids but has a reliable willing and free babysitter whenever she needs.

I could not disagree more with this^^. First, and btw, "babysitting" is when you care for other's children. When you care for your own, it's called "parenting." (Yes it's a bit of a pet peeve of mine to see men call parenting "babysitting" as if they are doing something "extra" for someone else's kids.)

Secondly, your wife has wanted you to be close to your kids since they were born. NOW it's happening and you can be sure she wishes it had happened before. My ex sil told me that my brother was "spending more time with D than he did when we were married." That was a sad reflection on him as a husband, NOT a great reflection on him as a divorced dad... The closer the child is to the father, the more the child resents the WAW for separating her/him from their daddy.

We couldn't go out as a couple as she wouldn't let anyone other than her mum babysit.

I suppose I'm not saying she is unmoved but that the knowledge I will do what's in the best interests of the kids makes it a lot easier for her as it reduces the harm to them and she gets the freedom she craves.

Having said that I 100% think you should try to be the best dad you can.

Think about the implications of what you're saying.

And let's be OVERTLY selfish for a minute. I mean, leave aside what a crummy thing it would be to decrease time with the kids for any reason, let alone to punish her...which sort of seems tempting to you...

But why on earth would a woman who sees the father of her children neglecting them during a separation or divorce, slap her forehead & say to herself "Gee, I guess I lost a GREAT DAD when I left him...Too bad! I better rush back for a reconciliation so he won't be such a neglectful man/jerk..." ??

It SO does NOT work that way.


No, instead, she'll say "I knew he was selfish. What a jerk he is! Thank GOD I left him. NOW I can finally go find a OM who will be a REAL Father to them..."

Aside from the love I Hope you have for your children, and the priority they ought to have now more than ever, Not being available to your kids at this time

is also a lose lose way to approach this.

Women KNOW that when their kids are close to their dads. The kids then see him living elsewhere, so there is NO WIN WIN for the mother who left him and keeps her kids away from a man they know to be their loving father.

You guys are reading this inaccurately up the wahzoo. I"m serious. Your thought process is off base. So what if you make a few of her dates more convenient?

A) it's not only about you and B) her home life with the kids will suffer for HER if they blame her for keeping you away, which they must do if she pushes for a divorce and you've become a great attentive father!

Besides, your take on this is skewed in another way. By implication you are saying that your PMA should not be good b/c then you are "making it easier" for her.

Like you are saying
"Gee, I better NOT have a PMA or be happy, b/c then she won't feel enough guilt about how miserable I am and how SAD I am and how she destroyed me b/c she left me..."

(As if that^^^ would be attractive to any woman.)


You being happy around her may make for more peaceful interactions, but that's a GOOD thing! Your goal these days is NOT to "make her pay" for her choices or "teach her a lesson."

LIFE DOES THAT...

She will Not second guess leaving a miserable man. She MAY second guess leaving an improved confident man, who is now the man she always wished for, or to whom she once was married years ago...

Of course, if your behavior is what drove her to leave, make darn sure it's clear that those flaws are being refined and you are now the man she always wanted you to be.

THAT^^^ is what will give her pause. The more you challenge her choices, the more you force her to defend them.

Punishing her or Making her more miserable to "pay the price" will Not make her regret leaving you; it'll make her regret ever marrying you.