Mozza (3)

[Mozza]

New thread. Feels like I'm slowly making my way to "Mozza (25)"...

RECAP

First thread: Fresh separation: trying to play by the book (15 days: Oct 14 to Oct 28)
I arrived here about a month after my wife left. Thankfully, I had read other resources and started applying DB-like techniques.
- I was caught by surprise by the separation but aware of her complaints about the R.
- We almost broke up in 2009 when she wanted to leave under similar circumstances.
- I'm seeing a shrink and a lot of friends.
- I don't know if she has an OM, but she denied it when she left.
- Searching for an explanation: Was I too mean? too nice? hypomania? new job? bad friend?
- Weird request to change our D6's godmother to her bad friend.

Second thread: Mozza (2) (8 days: Oct 28 to Nov 4)
- OM confirmed through kid's stories on Halloween day.
- Very disturbed by her Halloween plans to go out in S&M outfit and get drunk.
- Went through a day of anger and a day of detachment. Both helped.
- Lunch postponed. Some testy exchanges with W. She's upset I can't take the kids on her birthday weekend.
- Taking some initiatives: returning the rest of her stuff, refusing to change godmother, no more stroller parking.
- W calling out of the blue to get support because D6 is acting up.
- Started a list of DB success stories.
- Decided to refocus on my faults rather than blaming W.

[Mozza]

Emailed my W about her insurance to cover the costs of my therapy. She replied "You still see a therapist?" I'm glad she's curious and perhaps surprised about it. She might have thought that I would have dropped it after she moved out.

She also implied that she stopped consulting. She probably feels fantastic now, her problems solved. I felt her IC was an enabler anyway.

We'll stop the mind reading right here.

She confirmed lunch for tomorrow! Hope I'll sleep more than the 4.5 hours I managed last night... Also: I need to prepare! Objective: get out of there alive with a few improvements on coordination about the kids.

[Mozza]

I went to a music show with a friend last night. It was a standing room and I love to dance so I had a very, very good time. It reminded me of how much I loved to dance with my W. We'd connect a lot, flirt and laugh. We received compliment on how we dance together. Of course, we haven't danced in years. But instead of dwelling, I put it on my list of things to do in the future. Becoming a man only a fool would leave.

[Mozza]

Here are the things I want to discuss at lunch with my W tomorrow. Since she left home on Sept 20, we had one lunch on Sept 30, so these are fairly rare. She has an OM as far as I can tell, so this is not about reconciliation. To me, this is mostly logistical. She seems happy to see me, probably for cake-eating.

1. Get me onto her insurance to cover my therapy. I'd cover any costs involved.
2. Ask her to park the stroller at the daycare instead of my home.
3. No unilateral decisions when we disagree about the kids. She's done so recently (no to camp, new babysitter).
4. Agree that I will send her back all of her remaining stuff on Friday.
5. Discuss again whether I can have the kids for dinner once during her week.
6. See if she wants to go to the parent-teacher meeting together next week. I do.

I expect most of these things to take just a few seconds to settle. I've no intention to be mean or try to punish her. Still, I don't think it will be all that pleasant for her because she prefers to be in control of every step.

Things she might bring up.

1. Switch godmother to her bad friend, Anna. I'll say no. Their relationship is too volatile.
2. Some arrangement for her birthday weekend. I said no because I've plans but could accommodate a few hours. Want to show flexibility, but not enable new fun life. Can't decide.
3. Kids' behavior. She struggles, always has. I will listen, validate. I don't think she really wants advice.
4. Divorce? I doubt it but I always fear it.
5. OM. Most likely not. Will have to bite my tongue because I want to reply "Yeah, I've known for a while."

Thoughts?

[jim0987]

Its good you're trying to be ready for this meeting. I hope it goes well.

In terms of advice I've got a couple of thoughts but I best leave the advice to someone who knows better than me.

[GoatGal]

Mozza,

I think your list is very reasonable and shows that you are only interested in meeting the needs of your children.

Nothing there for her to argue about. Hopefully!

If she balks at anything, simply reiterate that these are things you want spelled out to make sure the kids are taken care of.

You do not have to get into any D talk or any R at all for that matter.

Be prepared for her trying to steer things that way; she has an agenda.

But you can cut it off, saying, "I am not prepared to discuss this with you at this time. I need some time to think of how I'd like to respond and you deserve a well-thought out answer..." That sort of thing. IF she pushes, just say: "Let's plan a time to discuss this, but I'm sorry, I won't discuss it with you today."

Hope for the best, be prepared for the worst.

You're doing the right thing by having a game plan, Mozza!


---(G)GGG

[gan]

Mozza, I think your list looks good. Maybe just have a think about where you can be more flexible about the solution and/or give her the opportunity to offer up a solution to the problem. I don't know enough about your sitch to speak to any particular point but 2, 3, 5 and possibly 6 on your list and 1 and 2 on her list read to me like you could put her in defensive mode pretty quickly if you're not careful about HOW you discuss them. My 2 cents (as a non-vet).

[Mozza]

WAAAA! I had to postpone tomorrow's lunch with W because I JUST got confirmation of very rare opportunity with foreigners and local big wigs. Email exchange (yes, she wrote twice in a row).

Me: Darn. I just remembered that I have a lunch tomorrow. Can you do Friday? Sorry.

W: No.

W: And there I just want to say: no big deal, I'm just the children's mother, but hey you have your own life. Too bad.

I want to reply: "Sorry, I'm not making this up and I agree we should meet. It's not something I can move, nor Thursday. If you really can't on Friday, do you prefer next week or have another idea?"

Is it a good thing that she throws at me that I have my own life? (true!) How should I reply? I feel I want to reassure her too much. I'm very uncomfortable with making her upset at me because it feels like getting further from reconciliation. Then again, she left me and half the kids, has an OM and lies about it...

Ideas?

[Zues126]

I have an answer!!! This one time I am BRILLIANT!!!

1) rewrite her text message to you. Seriously. On paper. Write it the way you WISH she wrote it. For example: "oh, that's too bad but I'm excited about how things are going for you at work. Sometime I'd live to hear about it. Unfortunately Friday doesn't work for me. Well have to figure out a different time. Talk soon!"

2) type a reply to THAT message.

See? The reply still works, yet you're able to reply in a friendly no -threatened manner. I invented this after working for a manager named Josh that sent SCATHING emails that made you want to quit without fail. I call it be "Josh translator". I was the only one that could respond to his emails without coming across rude or defensive.

[MCS]

Mozza,

I had a long time of not trying to get my W upset. However, when i found out about the OM, it seemed that she started to reconcile only to have her hang out with me and the kids for a weekend of cake eating, I got fed up and decided to detach and just focus on the kids and their needs for now. I can say that my decisions are much clearer in my mind and I feel like I have a better understanding of the overall situation.

I still wonder whether the end result will be good, but. I can tell you now that I'm not fearful of upsetting her, just presenting D related things like finances, separating our stuff, kids plans, etc. seems to be showing her the reality of the situation that she has decided to make. She had spent 2 months ignoring all of that and I let her, because I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. But now, I think I can see that she is starting to realize that she has to think through these areas and it's painful to do.