standing on my own

[SunnyB]

Ahoy, thinking about you today. Let us know how it goes!

[Maybell]

You're recharging your strong core today, Ahoy. Let it be, you'll be up again before you know it.

HUGS.

[LisaB]

Ahoy, you seem super strong to all of us! We all have those moments where we feel scared, sad, alone. You are still super strong!

Big hugs and hope the MRI turns out fine.

[Ahoy]

MRI went fine -- doc says no new growth of existing tumors. Still, it's always disconcerting to see how MANY there are (on the lining of my brain). Probably eight or more. I'll have to have MRIs every year for the rest of my life. I guess I can live with that (don't have a choice). Today is beautiful and I'm grateful for my health, family, and friends.

I'm coming out from the sadness that I've been under for the past couple of weeks. Now I'm back in the anger cycle. I wish I could just be indifferent!

I've been friendly and helpful toward H all these months, giving him space, not initiating anything, making any demands, and it's made no difference whatsoever. He's off with OW having fun on trips and lying to my face, to my daughter, and to all of our friends. I don't want him back. Even if he did come back, I could forgive him, but I could never respect him or trust him.
I think I deserve better in a relationship. I just do. I know I will be better off without him. I don't need his kind of chaos in my life. Would it be better for my D14 to have an intact family? Yes, of course. But I can't control that. This wasn't my choice. It's the consequence of his actions. He is a liar and a cheater, and why would anyone want to be with someone who is a liar and a cheater?

I applaud all of you who are hanging in there, hoping for the WAS to come to their senses. I think I have to stop drinking the Koolaid and look at the reality of my situation, which is this: it is over. He has told me as much, so I have to move on. It's the end. I can live with that.

I hope I'm not letting you all down. I'm rooting for you all -- that you all find the peace and strength in your hearts to take care of yourselves and do what is right in each of your situations. Big hugs to all.

[Maybell]

GeorgiaBelle often tells newbies that we need to understand that our Ms were over on BD day. And we all kind of nod and say, yeah, I get it, and then we go on hoping to restore our marriages.

It sounds to me like you might be in a place where you really do get that the marriage is over. And you want to be ok with that. (I think you're going to cycle through not being ok with it a few more times... But for today his is where you are.)

What I've been hearing, and what I believe, is that DBing is not for restoring the marriage. It's for getting us healthy enough so that if the WAs/MLCer asks to restore it (as they often do) that we have the skills to achieve that if we so desire. Or that we have the skills to enter into a successful new relationship if that's what we desire.

So you're not letting anyone down. We're here to support one another in a tough time. And to cheer you on in the good times too.

Almost forgot... On one of Labug's old threads, she said that if you're here waving the "save my marriage" banner then you'll be here for years, still waving that same banner and never getting anywhere. But if you're here waving the "save me" banner, then your life can be transformed into something amazing. I totally believe that.

You are an important part of this community, Ahoy. Don't feel like you have to make specific decisions in a specific way in order to contribute. Your wisdom, strength, and sense are important here, and the few times you need more support than you give, it's an honor to be able to offer that.

I'm happy your mri was positive. Sending you more good vibes!!!

[Ahoy]

Thank you, Maybell! I know I will likely cycle through all the emotions many more times during this process. I DO remember Georgiabelle's "save me" comment, and I agree that this is what DBing should be about. Because let's face it, we have very little control over what our spouses decide at this point.

I'm realizing that I'm not interested in playing games anymore and putting on a happy face. There have been no consequences for his actions. But losing me is a consequence, and he should feel that. And frankly I need the space away from him. He left a bunch of junk in my basement when he moved out because he was too lazy to deal with it. I've just moved it all to the garage, which I've allowed him to continue to use. But I don't want him in my house (he's asked me not to even drive down his street, so I think that's fair).

I need to start drawing some boundaries for myself. I'm not going to be a doormat anymore. Also, you are right. Our marriage was over at BD. The rest is just details. Stressful details, but details nonetheless. I'll get through it.

I have so valued your support, Maybell. Thanks for all the good vibes!

[Mozza]

Yes, I hope you'll stay around to share your journey, at your own pace. We're all going through this ordeal in different ways. The important part is that we survive and get stronger, better. I'm interested in all the ways in which people achieve this.

[MrBond]

Just playing devil's advocate, but you had a hard time with control. You still seemed to want to control the whole situation when it really wasn't. You also had expectations and when he didn't meet your expectations of how you thought he should be acting, you got more upset.

"There have been no consequences for his actions. But losing me is a consequence, and he should feel that. "

He doesn't have to feel anything. That's all still control.

You weren't a doormat. You decided to take a stand which makes you stronger than him. Just because you make a choice to honor your M doesn't make you a doormat. He is free to do as he wishes just as you are.

Good luck to you.

[rd500]

Hi Ahoy. Firstly congrats on the news. Fantastic. Secondly. May ell and MrBo d put it much better than I ever could. You are a great personality on here and one of the very first to support me Today's health news was great and I am sure I'm not the only one who feels better for hearing it. Whatever you decide and whatever the outcome you have made a differance to me and my sitch. Again. GREAT NEWS ON THE HEALTH 😄😄😄😄😄😄

[rd500]

Sorry the bit at the Bottom was smiley faces !!!!!