Mindsin - pt. 5 (back to basics)

[mindsin]

Interesting thing happened last night. It was about 11:00PM. Kids were asleep, I woke up to get a drink of water (W was sleeping downstairs on the family room couch). Surprisingly, she wasn't there, but the TV was left on. The TV's screen was mysteriously dark grey and flashing. Very strange.

I then noticed lights peeking through the bottom of the door to the study/home office. I am in there many hours of the day (especially on days I work from home) and I could have easily left the lights on by mistake.

I walk in, and there is my W, sitting on the chair in that room, with her white iPhone headphones on, looking at the screen. Her face looked blushed, and almost looked like she was crying (or just got done crying). She was startled, and said something to me like, "Oh, I was just sitting here listening to music and stuff". I then told her about the flashing TV, and asked what happened to it. She said she didn't know.

I wasn't sure what to make of it. It's not unusual for her to be speaking to the OM late at night, but her reaction was unusual, as the last time I "caught" her talking, she was very angry at the fact that I "barged" on her, reacting very defensively with a "I can talk to him anywhere, anytime" attitude.

This morning, she was very friendly towards me. Wished me a good day at work and left.

I told her that I was going out this evening (I have ballroom dance lessons - which I haven't told her about). I told her what time I'll be back and asked if she can pick up the kids. She simply replied, "Sure".

[mindsin]

Last night, I went to dance lessons again. It was really great and I had a lot of fun.

I went grocery shopping afterwards (my W's request) to pick up a few small items and return some movie rentals. When I got home, my W was in the study on the computer. I briefly peered inside to say hello and to tell her that my work schedule changed tomorrow (this meant I would be taking the kids to my in-laws in the morning, which is a change in plans).

Shen then asked me, "So where were did you go tonight?"

I replied, "The same place I went to two thursdays ago."

She would remember that as the time I told her "I'll tell you later" when she asked where I was going.

Nothing more was said about it.

Throughout the evening, she was very pleasant, humming random melodies to herself as she loaded the dishwasher, did things around the kitchen, etc.

Under normal circumstances, this would not be unusual. But it is definitely unusual behavior from her (since the days following BD).

[mindsin]

Another talk with her parents

My MIL revealed to me today some details of their conversation last Thursday. My MIL told her how the OM is not good for her, and that she shouldn't continue in the affair, etc, etc.

As my MIL explained to me, my wife's response was not defensive at all. She said that she had a very "defeated" attitude. She kept nodding her head and saying "I know, I know".

[MrBond]

And what's the point of posting that? You still concentrate every post on what your W does or doesn't do.

[mindsin]

Because my W's behavior has changed. It's noteworthy because it shows that the change in my own attitude may be indirectly having an effect on her. "Do what works", right? Well I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing.

[MrBond]

That's extreme mindreading on your part. You don't know if the reason why she didn't answer her mom was because of your efforts. You're still concentrating so much on what your W does.

[mindsin]

Where is the mind reading (extreme or otherwise)? I never said her reaction to her mom was a result of my efforts. I simply said that her attitude towards me has changed for the better, and that MAY be due to my changes.

[MrBond]

" I simply said that her attitude towards me has changed for the better, and that MAY be due to my changes."

Exactly. And that's mindreading. You don't know for sure, so anything else is purely guesswork. Mindreading. This sets you up for all sorts of disappointment. She could have just been nice to you because she had good sex with the OM for all you know.

Again, stop concentrating on her. You describe EVERY little action she does when should be describing your GAL and your interactions with your children the same way.

[mindsin]

You and I have different definitions of "mind reading" then. I'm simply describing facts and events. I am not adding any spin, or giving reasons as to why my W said or did certain things, or what she meant by saying or doing "X, Y, and Z".

And, what else do I have to go on (if not my W's words and actions)? How do I know if what I'm doing is working? According to DR, I need to constantly monitor results. Well I'm posting those results here. How can I do that w/out making note of changes in my W's behavior (good or bad)?

For example, one of the short-term goals I have listed since my last DB coaching session was to have my W show interest and curiosity to my job/career, as well as sharing things that are going on in her own job/career. I have BOTH of those boxes checked now. That's progress, IMO.

In my day-to-day life, I focus WAY MORE on my children, my job, and the other things I have going on in my life. ON THIS FORUM, my posts will more often than not be focused on my W, because after all, she is the centerpiece of the crisis situation that I'm in right now.

And btw, I don't describe every little action from my W. I am simply posting only what I believe are noteworthy conversations and interactions that occurred. How is that different than what 99% of everyone else is doing on their own threads?

[MrBond]

Sigh. The fact that you added the "MAY be due to my changes" part is what makes it mindreading. That shouldn't have even crossed your mind at all.

Yes you have to monitor positive interactions but you take it to the extreme.

"How is that different than what 99% of everyone else is doing on their own threads?"

Have you really read the books? They document what's going on, sure, but you will also notice that many people are advised to stop looking at every action their spouse does.

It would be different if you were to change some behavior and then document it's result. Prove that there is a correlation between the two. But right now all you do is list everything she does. For someone who works with people as a job, you seem to have a difficult time understanding what others are communicating to you.