An Argument ISN'T Just A Contradiction

[LoisB]

Well, I just had a convo with D20. I was, quite possibly, the firmest and angriest I've ever been with her.

"I didn't know Grandpa would react like that."
"I didn't know that money was my money."
"Mom, please don't shut me out like Dad."

I held my ground. My expenses are going to get a bit lighter after tonight. I told her that, since she has this money coming, she can begin paying her cell phone bill after the 10th. I will have it removed from our plan.

She will be responsible for car insurance and the repairs on the Jeep.

She walked straight up to D12's room and closed the door. Rallying her troops. Fine.

Have to say though...I have never felt so alone in this world. And, to know that my dad is hurt on his birthday and it's because I lied. I feel like the world's worst human being tonight.

[LoisB]

And, what I would have given today for Smokey to have said, "I'm sorry I've been such a prick to you. You deserve so much better. I'm sorry you have been handling all this alone."

It feels like that night when D20 got my mom and D12 all riled up over the imaginary date with the Forester.

[LoisB]

Ok. So, she just came out of D12's room to ask me how much her cell phone bill and the car insurance will be.

I had told her that she is responsible for those two bills, the Jeep repairs and she must attend two A.A. meetings per week along with paying me $200 per month if she intends on staying here.

[LoisB]

She is on the phone with someone. Probably my mother. Maybe a sorority sister? I don't like that she is in D12's room.

I don't want D12 stressing about D20 moving away.

I heard D20 say she will need to save up so she can live in the house next semester and take a few classes.

[LoisB]

The pieces to the puzzle are coming together. I guess she was getting calls from a collection agency for the $2,500. Then, she had, against my wishes, signed a lease for next semester and she can't get out of it. She is responsible for the lease.

I think I may just feel a bit lighter. Cutting the cord could take a lot of financial pressure off of me.

I have not a clue how to handle my dad. He texted me almost immediately. I put him off for tonight and told him I would explain tomorrow. Ugh.

[Wonka]

Heather,

Let your D20 figure out the lease and face life like the young adult she is. Yep, there will be bumps along the way. You cannot always shield her from them. Otherwise, how can she learn and mature??

As for your Dad, just be straight up honest with him about your circumstances and how you wish to take on a firmer line with D20 with the goal of getting her to be more responsible for her choices and MISTAKES.

Not sure if your Dad will be on board given his past history of flaking out on you. Time will tell.

[Mighty]

Oh goodness, Heather. You have been dealing with a lot. I gotta say... I wasn't the easiest kid. I was pretty tough. My mother, who grew up with an alcoholic father, then married my dad, who became an alcoholic (now recovered and remarried to my mom after 10 years being divorced), took a serious class in tough love.

She went to meetings, groups, read every book known to man about co-dependency and tough love. And man, by the time I became an angry teen, she handled me with tough love. When I was pregnant at 19, she gave me no choice but to grow up. She wasn't going to do it for me. Tough love.... tough love.... it was the best thing for me.

Just something to think about. I remember I told her I was pregnant and the next day she handed me the classifies to get an apartment. Time to grow up!

Stay strong. Don't give up on her. Let her know she can do it- and she's gonna. She doesn't have a choice.

You are strong and amazing, Heather. Just another day... things are falling into place, but you didn't expect it to be that easy now, did you?! Ha! Just keep movin', girl.

And what's up with those Ft. Drum boys?

[beatrice]

Heather - please do not take this as a 2 x 4 because it is an observation, not a criticism.

I see your life as propping up and taking responsibility for others. Trying to make things work for them and compensating for their deficiencies

And somehow you expected that they would do the same for you. Well people that can't even take responsibility for themselves are not going to take on other people (unless it suits them and their needs).

You said something revealing - that there was no-one 'there' for you. That is one of the lift dropping moments of MLC< especially if we do not have supportive family (or they are no longer with us)

Marriage can so easily slip from mutual support and help to a system of co-dependency where we prop each other up.

I think we know if we have been there.

This doesn't mean you have to become hard, but it does mean that you will need to adjust your expectations.

You have spent a long time in the university of hard knocks, and continue to try and shield others, probably because you didn't get that shielding yourself. Tough love, but actually being there for your daughter emotionally will stop the cycle.

You are not bailing on her, but trying to help her to grow up.

MLC is a kind of finishing school in emotional self sufficiency!

Hugs to you.

[LoisB]

Thank you Bea. That was quite a gift you gave me in your post.

I read some more of my abandonment workbook this morning. I didn't sleep well--no surprise there! But, I feel like I have some clarity.

Today is deadline. I think one of the things I feel angriest about with D20 is the fact that she pulled this stunt on deadline. It speaks volumes about her selfish frame of mind right now.

I'm not looking forward to this day ahead. I have quite a bit still to do today. And, the micromanager editor is in charge because it's election day. I already have a list of ToDo's from him in my email box this morning. I had planned on getting a bunch done last night, but that didn't work out so well.

I'm going to lean into God today.

In some ways, I feel a bit relieved...kinda like how I felt when Smokey left. There was relief in realizing I don't have to BE and DO it ALL for everyone else.

D12 and my job. Those are my two big priorities right now.

Damn, I'm tired.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Heather,

I have a soon to be 20 D. She also wants to make all her own decisions without discussion first and then hope we will dig them out of it later. Like you, I struggle with wanting to shield her. She can be like the little kid who insists on touching the hot stove after you tell them not too. I am learning that pulling back the shield is best because it allows them to grow. Not giving them money for everything is teaching them the value of getting and holding a job. I find it funny when they all sit on the couch and one says," hey lets go out to eat." Then they go from one to the next asking each if they have money. Then its hey dad do you have any money and I reply,"nope." Suddenly there is now more urgency to get jobs so they can do things. Its a struggle all parents go through, just a bit harder without a partner there for us who has our back. Keep doing the right thing and be there to soften the really hard blows, but don't shield er from them completely or she will never learn. Much like we have to do with allowing our spouses to go down their own paths.