1) Angry Outbursts - Have been working with my pastor & reading books on why I have been doing this (the causes) and how I need to change my thinking to stop these. I need to think before I react. Has been much better. Today it has been one month consecutive since I have done this.
2) Grumpy - This is how I reacted when I was upset with W. Being more cheerful and positive. Have stopped this altogether for 4 months now. Need to continue to smile more. Be happy inspite of sich.
3) Do more fun things with the boys - Have been doing this (last 12 months), even before I found out about the affair and am continuing. RC cars, Project Car, Burried Time Capsule, Play board games & cards, bike rides, etc.
4) Pray together - Been praying at night when in bed. Just something short about the boys, family, friends, health, work. Did pray about our relationship early on when I found out about affair, but have stopped praying about that for the past couple months.
5) Bible devotions with boys - Do almost every night, when home, as a family. Continuing this.
6) Hygeine Important / Likes Cologne - Now brushing teeth twice a day instead of just in the morning. Eat a mint before I get home from work. Put on cologne after showering every day.
7) Initiate sex more & spice it up - On back burner now with sich. Started excersising and working out, watching what I eat to lose a little weight & items in #6 to be more attractive.
8) Be more confident & sociable - I have a more reserved personality. W never really came out and said this, but I could feel it and from some comments she has made over the years about not having many friends or deep relationships. Read some books on this to be more outgoing, initiate time with friends to do things together. Not letting W bully me. Taking the lead on opportunities that arise. (W is the outgoing type with many friends & relationships).
These are the big ones. Please comment and your suggestions are always welcome. Thank you!
No, my boys do not know about them. My oldest son was with me when I found out W Costco card was with another man, but I don't think he thought much about it and has never said anything.
New to DB. Confronted my wife with proof of her 3.5 year affair (Voice Mail), yesterday. She is also dating/flirting with other people she plays raquetball with (text & voice mail). She still won't admit to the affair.
We still live together with 2 boys 11 & 14. I have been trying to be nice to her, buying gifts, leaving notes, working on my issues, etc. for the past 3 months, following other online programs, books. It seems like she just does not respect me. Doesn't want to go on dates together or do things unless it is her idea.
Now that I have really confronted her with proof, it really pushed her away. Where do I go from here?
I have NOT read your whole thread but before I do I have to ask you 2 things.
1) Do You want to save your marriage, or prove your wife wrong?
And
2) Have you read the Divorce Busting Book(s)?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
A question I just thought of. If I have been doing some things prior to DB, that she always wanted me to do, and now if I stop, won't she think "I knew he couldn't keep up with this change very long". Keep up the changes you were making, which she liked and which were occurring before you learned of the A. Also if the A has lasted this long and IF YOU ARE SURE it has, sounds to me very unusual in that she's not wanting to go off with him...really?
Usually a physical affair (PA) for a woman means she is falling in love with the OM and eventually wants out of the marriage. IF NOT< that's a different matter. I'll keep reading though before I say more
Also it sounds like WAW might better respond to confident "Bad Boy". Any one have a thought on that? Or just be the man I want to become and let the chips fall where they may?
NO not the "Bad Boy" but the strong independent MAN. Please don't fall for the TV version of marriage counseling which = "be a jerk and she'll come around." If your wife is not into being abused (and sadly, some are) then it does not apply so don't turn into a jerk as some sort of tactic. That will fail.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Been doing pretty well with detaching. Only some little chit chat about our days and work. Asked her to stay with the boys Sunday afternoon to get some things done. Got through most of DB book and got some errands done. It felt good to get away and do something for me. I didn't talk about what I did and W didn't ask.
Am struggling with lack of connection and affection from a woman. Dreaming about making out and having sex. Some with W and some with other woman. How do you guys get through this without falling into an A like your spouse did? Praying for strength, but it has been tough.
I am still not clear about your marital issues. What were they? What would SHE SAY?
And as far as the sex life goes, it sounds as if intimacy was a major issue. Can you elaborate?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Here is my list of things I need to work on. May I assume that your DB coach helped you with this list?
1) Angry Outbursts - Have been working with my pastor & reading books on why I have been doing this (the causes) and how I need to change my thinking to stop these. I need to think before I react. Has been much better. Today it has been one month consecutive since I have done this.
Good. Outbursts to men are Not the same as they are to women. When a man has an angry outburst, he may think the next day all is well b/c after all, HE is not mad anymore. But to a woman, a man losing his temper is traumatic. The H is supposed to be her protector, not the scary guy.
And so when a husband "loses his sh1t", it is deeply disturbing to a wife. SO MUCH SO that at her core, it can be like the floor is yanked out from under her. And since this was a frequent event, you need to own it and not gloss over it. Are you a lot bigger physically than your wife? The more discrepancy between your sizes tends to underline this more.
It's a big deal. Don't be a bully.
2) Grumpy - This is how I reacted when I was upset with W. Being more cheerful and positive. Have stopped this altogether for 4 months now. Need to continue to smile more. Be happy inspite of sich. Glad you are seeing this. What it may mean is that you were Not easy to live with and in fact, maybe you were a really difficult person. Given the outbursts you confess to (which is great) and this piece of news, I can see that your wife may have felt alienated from you for quite some time. Can YOU?
Regardless, keep it up!
3) Do more fun things with the boys - Have been doing this (last 12 months), even before I found out about the affair and am continuing. RC cars, Project Car, Burried Time Capsule, Play board games & cards, bike rides, etc. Hey, these ^^ are great ideas! No woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her chldren with their dad. Be the best dad you can be for them, and for you. And the bonus is that it's a turn on for most women. Indeed some women stay with a man solely because he's a good dad or good provider...
4) Pray together - Been praying at night when in bed. Just something short about the boys, family, friends, health, work. Did pray about our relationship early on when I found out about affair, but have stopped praying about that for the past couple months. Glad you are not talking about an A. Be mindful of playing the holier than thou routine. It's a huge turn off. Remember that your wife has justified the affair b/c she felt her needs were unmet for so long. So to HER, you pushed her into the arms of OM and have no "right" to be mad at her.
5) Bible devotions with boys - Do almost every night, when home, as a family. Continuing this.
6) Hygeine Important / Likes Cologne - Now brushing teeth twice a day instead of just in the morning. Eat a mint before I get home from work. Put on cologne after showering every day. Great. Peresonal hygiene is huge. Are you in good physical shape? Women love to feel protected and we are feel safer with a man who can open the pickle jar or mow the lawn without getting out of breath...not to mention making love to us without seeming as if a heart attack is minutes away..
7) Initiate sex more & spice it up - On back burner now with sich. Started excersising and working out, watching what I eat to lose a little weight & items in #6 to be more attractive. Why is it on the back burner? What does your DB coach say about that? (not people here, but the DB coach?)
8) Be more confident & sociable - I have a more reserved personality. W never really came out and said this, but I could feel it and from some comments she has made over the years about not having many friends or deep relationships.
Good insight.
Read some books on this to be more outgoing, initiate time with friends to do things together. Not letting W bully me. Taking the lead on opportunities that arise. (W is the outgoing type with many friends & relationships).
Maybe she's a good role model for this specific trait? Have you ever complimented her about it? What are her love languages? Have you read the "Five Love Languages" yet? I think you'd like it.
These are the big ones. Please comment and your suggestions are always welcome. Thank you!
See above. Keep on keeping on
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
