H's MLC #5

[2BHappy]

Job & Daring ,,,thanks

Update:

H again ask for address before he left for work, I gave it to him.

We talked about everything BUT what I had said about why I did not really think he should attend...

Fast forward,,,

Got a phone call from my aunt, my father in emergency brain surgery for an anneruersym...not at all close with my father but still prayed and very worried, my aunt said I should wait until tomorrow to come to hospital,,,my father had been there since Wed no one called me until he was in surgery,,,

Same time got text from friend that her party had been cancelled!

Couple hours later:

My father is out of surgery, guess this was all due to his blood pressure that he does not take ANY meds for,,,even though he is suppose to...

I text my H about my father and that I would not be going to party.

Now I'm emtionally drained, worried even though my father has NEVER been a father to me,,,still dont want him to be sick or worse,,,now tomorrow the emotional ups and downs of going to hospital and not even sure how my father will respond,,he has been distant from me, I reach out to him at times, invited him into my sons life,,,he just not there not a father, not a grandfather,,,
but I will be there at hospital to show support and concern, he is family.

I would love my H to come home and hold me, just be there for me...

[daring]

Sending positive thoughts, strength and hugs 2B.
Hope your dad gets well soon and you are able to have a positive interaction with him.

[job]

I hope your father is resting comfortably and is on the mend.

[2BHappy]

Daring & Job

Thanks for the support

My Father is doing OK, but not sure how he will be after he heals from surgery, he is very combative and has to be tied to bed, he did not know who I was, he did recongize his siter.

My mom went with me to hospital and her and I got into an arugement, which I apologize for my part...she admitted seeing my dad like that reminded her of my stepfather who had brain cancer and passed away...she was also upset about it being her mom bday also deceased...so it was a very hard emotional day for me yesterday.

Now I keep having pains in my upper right back area, not sure if its stressed related or not.

H took son to breakfast this morning, invited me but I told him my back was hurting and he and son needed some time together with just them, H was a lil upset but I did not want to go or felt the need to go.

Before H left for work yesterday I left him a note, asking him if he had thought about what we discussed a couple weeks ago and that I needed to know what his thoughts were.... I did not really expect him to address the note and he did not, but I wanted him to know I still expected him to be thinking about what he really wants. I'm getting tired of "standing".

I know I also brought up our R with a hint earlier this week and then again with the note yesterday,,,I will now TRY to wait to see if H will address our R at all in any way any time soon...I know he may not and asking is not going to "make" him address it.

I just dont want him to be surprised IF I finally make up my mind to end this whatever this is between he and I.

I'm starting to need some comfort othen then myself I want to lean a lil on someone else to just rest for a while,,,tired of trying to hold it all together for everyone trying to keep the peace.

Praying this on/off pain in my back is nothing serious praying its not stressed related...I dont want to be making myself sick over this F UP M.

[2BHappy]

I'm stress eating my feelings WAY WAY too much, I have gained too much weight stress eating, now this weight is affecting how I feel about myself and my knees...stress might be affecting my weight and now my back.

[daring]

I understand that stress eating- I'm one of the few who didn't drop massive weight in the midst of all this drama! Luckily I started boot camp so I haven't gained either.
Maybe working out can help with some of your stress? I know it does for me.

Glad your dad is ok and hopefully the disorientation will pass as he gets better.

[2BHappy]

Spur of the moment R talk happen today based on the note I left that H did not know exactly what I wanted to talk about...

SO..I will try to recap and keep in important details,,

I started off with H we are friends and great parents correct? H agreed.

I told him if that is all we can be, that I will be ok with that and that I did not want to keep waiting or hoping for a better M.

We kinda both hit a lil on the past especially my H he talked about when I was a WAW and how long he dealt with it and that now I want to put a time table on how long I want to deal with it since the tables are reversed. I told him its been over a year he said he was not counting he has been just taking care of his business , work and family and was bascially ignoring our M and R, was not putting any thought into US.

I told him I just wanted to know either way and that I did not want him to be staying to avoid "hurting" me and that I wanted to either be working on a better M or working on moving on without it.

Told him I deserve better, and we both deserve to be happy and that we will always be friends and great parents.

He said it sounded like I was giving him an ultimatium and that he did not want to be rushed/forces into making a decision ..

I told him I did not want to force anything but he had to know I'm getting tired of the current situation and that 3x's now he has told me he would "think" about what he wanted to do, make a decision and each time he has not put any thought into it...and that I'm just tired and waiting to move on with my life,,told him it seems like he will take until I'm old and dead to decide and that I deserve to be allowed to move forward if he does not want to make a better R and M with me.

I told him neither one of us are "bad" and that we both should have what we need and to be happy...I tried to tell him that I would not ever hate him or be angry and that I have moved on from that I have worked thru those feelings but I want more and I this is NO LONGER ok or working for me.

H said he did not want to make the wrong decision and he does not know what he wants...

At that time I ended the conversation..went out to run errands came back home to watch comdey,,H comes into the room where I was to tell me I could watch TV in basement (where he was) I told him I wanted to watch this and did not want to change his show.

Before I ran errands he hinted that he needed to take his car to shop,,I did not offer,,he needs to ask me and he did not so he had his cousin take him,,,I did not even want to offer.

I"M TIRED!!!!!!

But I was not emotional, nor mean when I return,,,just in different....

H seems to be asking/needing more time,,,but I know he just told me he is not sure if he wants ME, if he wants to work on a better M a better R, and that hurt and that makes me even more ready to be done!!!

NOW WHAT???????

[mleigh4]

2BHappy. I feel your pain, I am in the exact same place. I also try to force a decision, but if they are not ready to make it, what do we do? My H says the same things as yours, but also throws in that I don't have to wait to move on, that I can do whatever I want. I just laugh. Sure, move on while I am still married and live with my H? That should go over well on a date, right? But in my heart, I just want H, and I can guess you feel the same.

I wish I had some advise, but I am just as frustrated and tired of this as you and don't know what to do. We may not have any choice but to wait it out or decide if it has been enough. The hard part is wondering if we give up and make the decision for them, will we always wonder, if only I had given it a little more time? What are we rushing to move on to? With H being confused and not sure, that just always leaves that glimmer of hope.....

[woundedfool]

NOW WHAT???????

Well... your not going to like this. But:

You are doing so many things counter to DB principles there is no real good endgame to this.

No ultimatum's, yet you gave what really does sound like an ultimatum.
Do not engage R talks, you keep engaging R talks.
Note writing, ML with expectations of where when he sleeps, him hoping for a ride... you leaving him hanging.

You have seemed to have trouble identifying GAL's that are about you.

So you ask: "now what"? I would say you really need to take some time out and start from the beginning. Take a weekend for YOU and reread DB & DR, get back to the basics of those and that can get you going in the right direction.

[2BHappy]

YES I'm off the DB track, running around in circles. The less I want to stand the less I care about the outcome. I was on the verge of asking H to move out telling him I had been thinking about filling for D, instead of that I left the note and then had the R talk to try to see where he was,,,to see if there was any hope of saving our M, to see if there was a purpose to continue to stand.

We had a nice day yesterday with S14, our weekly family movie and dinner.

no weirdness no tension between H and I, I really expected H to avoid me the rest of the day.

THEN I had a lil blow up this morning when H came back to bed, he was there then went back to basement then came back and I said "why even come to bed",,,I know I know

OK I will BACK OFF, keep my mouth SHUT, back to DBing, re reading books and posts.

Wounded
I "think" my GAL's are for me, they dont involve my H or my S14, usually just me and or my BFF's. But tell me what you mean by my GAL are not about me? I'm missing something?

I will work on getting back to my center, the peace I had worked so hard to have. Work harder on keeping the focus on me and my s14.

I did end up taking my H back to pickup car.