claire #9

[claire7]

Thanks. I've been sitting here for the last hour thinking about this. Clearly I'm not detached... from my marriage at least.

I've drafted a long email that basically says, "I understand why you walked away, and I understand the fear of trying to reconcile. Its so risky. But I'll never regret choosing to fight for our marriage, or believing that love is a choice, or that with effort and support, relationships and love can be rebuilt.

And that I hope he is on a path to peace and happiness.

I mean, at this point I feel like I have nothing left to lose. The fact that he can acknowledge today, and write those words make me feel like he is detached. He's made his peace with his decision. He doesn't spew at me, he's not acting crazy, he is generally a good, attentive dad. He has just decided he is DONE. And there is no going back.

So what do I have to lose by validating what I've heard him say in the past, (which was that I didn't understand), that I actually share his fears, and that I don't regret choosing a more optimistic mindset.

I'm going to sit and think if I can accept the worst- case scenario. That's probably that he's in love with someone else. Or that while he "understands" what I'm saying, he still is resolved. I'm going to imagine those responses, decide if I can handle that, and then decide whether to send it to him or not.

I know I shouldn't send him anything (I already sent a 2 sentence response: " Thank you for this note. Yes, I will always have something to celebrate today-- our D"

[GoatGal]

Claire,

I think the note you sent had just the right sentiment. All the rest is coming from a place of pain...

But you really are mind-reading here.
You're not done unless you want to be. Don't base it on a short note he wrote.

It seems you're reading quite a bit into those very few words he wrote.
The fact is, none of us really have any idea what he's thinking or doing. Not really. He probably doesn't know himself, and even if he does, it could change on a dime.

I know, we LBSs do this all the time, deciphering every little word or phrase or punctuation mark, looking for clarity, looking for clues.

The point is, you just can't know that he is trying to communicate all the things you are concerned that he might be.
He might have really just wanted to acknowledge you. That's a GOOD THING.
Don't make it more than it is.

What if he meant it in the nicest way possible, as an opening to R and you unleashed some emotional stuff on him about your M ending...?
How would you feel then?

Best to think the best of him and accept it as an expression of his affection for you. As Maybell said, it's more than most of us get.

My bomb drop was May 2013, but GUBU had OW and had checked out long before then. He reiterated many times how he was "done" and was "moving on" and "would never want to stay with me" and more... Yet. He's still here.

(Well, not "here" here, but he's hardly gone, either.)

It has only been in the last month or so that I've seen glimpses of the man I used to know.

Even my H's crazy texting from the other night swung from one pole to the other.

So--as my H himself used to say: "Don't borrow a jack".

(Long story, but you don't go to the trouble of borrowing a jack to fix your flat tire unless you know for a fact the tire is flat.)

You're borrowing heartache for yourself that may or may not be real.

I get feeling like you've had it, but make that about YOU and what you want for your future, not on assumptions about what your H might or might not be thinking or feeling.

Okay?

[claire7]

GGG-- thanks. I'm still thinking your words through.

But today, anyway, I really do believe that he's in that small percentage of people who just make up their minds and never can waver.

You're right I'm totally mind reading.

The fact that I haven't hit send yet does show I've made some progress.

He said something yesterday that made it clear he still reads my FB posts. And last night as he was leaving my apartment after putting D to bed, he said, "is there anything else?" .... as if I would bring up some R thing about our anniversary. (I just said, "nope, I think that's it. Good night")

He is not comfortable expressing emotions. But many men aren't, right?

Gah, I need to STFU before someone whacks me on the head.

Geez this is so.freaking.hard.

[claire7]

And several times a day I read MWD's fb posts or tweets, and those of another, similar pro-marriage blog...and they give me hope but also make me feel so defeated.

Why didn't I know about these resources years ago, and why can't he choose to believe any of them? I'm sure he's reading things that validate his position. Maybe I have just drank the pro-marriage Kool-aid, and I'm actually a "chump".

Ok. STFU already, Claire.

[GoatGal]

At least if you're gonna drink the Kool-Aid, spike it with some Vodka, will ya?

Might as well enjoy it...

For what it's worth, I spent some time reading up on Chump Lady the other day, and guess what?

After about 15 minutes I decided I was the biggest chump ever.

Since I don't really believe this, I elected to stop reading.

Just like when I start to feel old, fat, and ugly, I know it's time to stop perusing the pages of Vogue...

I know it's hard to believe, but your sitch is not that long. Yet.

I honestly believe my H is suffering from some sort of depression and that he has, on and off, dealt with it, but not as severely.

Looking back it's pretty clear. Not to him, but to me.

I keep drawing the parallel between his behavior and that of my parents when they were in a clinical depression. It's so similar.

That's why I can't abandon him yet. There is something wrong, and I know it's not our terrible marriage.

If it can't be fixed, then I don't want to take on this role for the rest of my life, but it's too soon to know one way or the other.

Just food for thought.

[GoatGal]

Claire, if he's anything like MY H, he may well be waiting for the green light from you.

Stranger things have happened.

[claire7]

GG-
What do you mean?

[GoatGal]

Oh... sorry.

I mean my H is an avoidant type. He has dropped subtle hints about "talking about the future" and taking my temperature on the R.

He, however, will not stick his neck out one bit. Too much fear of rejection, is my guess.

I think today if I said: "H, I have decided to let bygones be bygones, and I will stick with you through thick and thin til death do us part, and I will forever be happy, never mention anything you've done that hurt me, and you can enjoy all the porn you want with no comment from me", well, I think he'd be home in a flash.

Too bad that ain't gonna happen!

So what I'm saying is maybe your H was sticking his neck out a little, emotionally speaking. He did something nice. Small, but nice.

Maybe he's looking to you for some direction.

I dunno. After some time I decided in my sitch one of us had to extend the olive branch. No, not DBing 101, but being mysterious and dark was backfiring big time.

So.. I give a little here and there and sure enough, my H is warming up slowly. Still in the oven and not anywhere near edible, but at least approaching proper baking temperature.

Perhaps your H could use a tiny incentive. Nothing like pursuit, just an opening.
See what he does. At the worst he'll shoot you down.

Heck. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

If you've tried all the other stuff and there's no movement for a long time, maybe try something else, is what I'm saying.

Just--a little baby step with no expectations.

---(G)GGG

[25yearsmlc]

So, today is my anniversary and H sent me the "today will always be important because our marriage produced our daughter. You'll always be important to me. I think it's worth acknowledging that, even if things haven't worked out as we anticipated."

There is a new finality in this note. Things "haven't worked out the way we anticipated"?!?!!

Do NOT over read into this! I could have written his note to you! It's totally appropriate in my opinion and pretty classy of him to admit the truth (i.e. that you are NOT where you both anticipated) AND that he'll always be grateful for the marriage b/c of your d, (if nothing else).

Why be mad at ^^^this? What more could he have said and been believable?

I urge you to go look at what I had suggested YOU write and see how close it is to what HE wrote...


Yes, because you anticipated that marriage wouldn't require any work, and I anticipated that my husband wouldn't abandon me.

Major mind reading and all of it, negative. How does this help YOU?


Holy crap. I've been fine all day and now I am falling apart.
Is it just wounded pride I'm feeling? I don't think so. This still feels like such a nightmare. Who is the stranger that just sent me that email? I can't even right now.

yes its' wounded pride AND FEAR....

and I see nothing "more" final in his note, (or less final for that matter.)

He sent a courteous authentic note to you on an awkward day for him...

Relax Claire, you are making this worse than it is. Seriously.

[claire7]

Yes,
That's what I've been thinking. There has been movement lately... since late September a few fairly significant (small, but significant) gestures.

That's kind of what I meant when I said I have nothing to lose. I want to think about how I will handle it if he shoots me down. I want to be ready for that. Or whether I can have no expectations.

But first, I'm going to treat myself to a delicious dinner and a glass of wine. I'm not GAL tonight-- I am doing some self care. And allowing myself to be sad today. That is ok and I'm not going to feel like a failure for that.