Hi everyone, I am new here and having major issues with my marriage that i need advice on.
Quick background, my wife and I have been married for 14 years going on 15, we have 3 kids together, first child was born after we had been married for 3 years so we had some "alone" time prior to having kids. I am extremely happy with my life and love my family with everything I have. We get along great, talk and have fun, nothing wrong with our sexlife, we have it nearly every day at the least every other day
My wife is an amazing person, she is very independent and that was one of the things that really attracted me to her when we met, she is very well spoken, doesn't cuss or use slang, has a lot of respect for herself and others, always helps other people with anything they need, puts her own needs on the back burner just to help with anything she can, and she is extremely social. Anyone she comes in contact with would consider her a very good listener and talker, she's just all around an amazing person.
When our first one was born, we decided that she would stay with the baby and quit her job, she has been "at home" for the past 11 years now, and hasn't really had work outside of the home which I am totally OK with, but now I know that she wasn't really OK with it.
Throughout the years she has felt that everything has always been on my time, purchasing a home, purchasing furniture or improvements to the home. She feels that because she doesn't work, she has to ask for permission like a child, which has hurt her feelings for me.
I have always been very conservative and don't like to spend money, and always tell her " let's wait" or " now is not a good time"
Years of doing that has caused resentment in her heart towards me, and she feels that her dreams are never met, she feels that we can never sit down and talk about things together, make decisions as adults, her own words ( i always felt like in the back of the bus). She told me she didn't want to be the pilot, but she wants to be the co-pilot.
5 months ago she dropped the bomb on me. She told me that she wants to leave, she can no longer go on like this, she loves me but she is not in love with me anymore.
She said that years of resentment has caused her to lose feelings for me little by little, and she no longer can breath she feels so lonely, feels like a single married mother, lonely in everything with no support from me mentally.
Meantime through out all of this i thought everything was just going perfect, the best way to describe me is to watch Michelle's youtube video regarding a walk away wife. That would be me, the light bulb went of when she said she was DONE, and i made profound changes and want her back but getting a lot of restriction and hitting the wall.
Anyway, she has never said that shes done in the 15 years that we have known each other, this is not something that she does once every few months, so needless to say im extremely lost.
I got down on my knees, cried, begged, did everything you are not supposed to do ( after reading this site i know what not to do ) I begged her to give us another chance, to allow me to show her what she really means to me not just by words, but by my actions.
She said she needs some time to find herself, to come to a conclusion because she feels that she is not worth anything, she considers herself a complete looser with nothing to show for, she has just been a supporter for other people in life and now she has lost the will for anything other than our kids.
So I stayed with a family member just to give her the time and space she requested, but i didnt do very well because i kept contacting her, seeing her, begging a couple times a week etc...all that did was to push her away from me more and make me look extremely needy.
During the time that i was gone i checked her cell phone, spied on her and honestly i have never in 15 years had a reason to do so, i have never seen any signs of her being a cheater, and i have been 100% faithful to her with no affairs physically or emotionally.
My wife is an amazing person with very high integrity, very close with her siblings and parents, none of which would ever in a million years think that she would have an affair, so i dont think she has ever had one but as lost as i am, i was just trying to dig for anything to find and "fix"
Anyway, i admitted to checking her phone and this opened up another can of worms, now her integrity & privacy was being questioned, she felt extremely hurt and couldn't believe i would do that. This caused her to lose trust for me because i told her i wouldn't do it again but did it 2 additional times, in which she just got angrier than ever ( i didnt find anything that would cause any doubt of another man while i was snooping )
Anyway, she is to the point of wanting a divorce, she does not want to continue on living in a life that she feels oppressed in, feel like she has no say and feel unloved.
The unfortunately thing is, i show her so much love, physically and mentally, truly put her up on a pedas tool but not in the way she needed, just by working and providing everything doesn't make a good husband, there are tons of other things needed to fulfill her heart.
I have learned alot from this website, and bought Divorce Remedy today and will start reading it tonight.
As of right now, its been 5 months, i see her a couple times a week because i spend time with the kids, i told her i have hope and really hoping she will reconsider this, nothing has been filed yet.
I want my wife back so bad, she means everything to me, we get along very good other than this major issue that i have been blind to for the past several years. What can i do to continue on a track that can possibly win hear heart back? I dont expect her to throw her arms around me right away, i just want a chance to get a foot in so i can show her what she means to me.
I am completely lost, I think of her every day, I am so regretful for having my nose in work 6 days a week and did not "see" her needs.
I can't stay away, I want to see her all the time and talk, but every time I do I keep pushing her away, WHAT CAN I DO??? I am so confused, hurt and periodically feel anger that quickly turns to sadness.
I am very hopeful, i am very much in love with her and want to do anything possible to turn this around.
Thank you very much for reading and if you have any advice please share it with me, i will periodically update this thread and will answer any questions as soon as i get a minute, im on this forum at least 4 or 5 times per day
I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Feelings of mistrust and suspicion are not healthy in your marriage. I suggest you do some immediate damage control. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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Well, the good news is that nothing that you are saying is "new" here. In fact, in many respects you have a lot in common with me when I first arrived here nearly 3 years ago to the day.
It is entirely possible to live a good live with your spouse with the best of intentions and just "fall asleep" for years on end. It would appear that you did...I did too. You were neither abusive nor unfaithful...so how does this happen? There are, I found, a lot of reasons. Specifically, you loved your wife in a way that you thought was best (work hard, provide, sex life, etc.) - and it kind of railroads over what she wants/needs. I tell my XW now all the time that in our marriage I set the criteria for what made a good husband and then I judged myself against that criteria...and wouldn't you know I was scoring 10 out of 10 every time?? Where I blew it was SHE was the one that needed to set the criteria based on her needs. Without that, over the long haul I think her needs go unmet, she loses her voice and sense of value. All the while, you are chugging along thinking you are the ideal spouse in the ideal marriage.
The good news, friend, is that she gave you data....she gave you information on why she why she was leaving and why she was unhappy. That is gold. Ignore it at your own peril. Use it as a basis for change...and true change takes time. Change that she can trust takes even MORE time - so there is no quick fix here. Bring a dose of patience, because it is quite possible that you will be here for a minute or two. It has taken you years to get here - so get out is not going to go fast. They good news? You CAN get out - you are not without hope.
So what do you think you can do differently? How will you start? How can you stay out of your head and stop over-contacting your wife (hint: you are pushing her away...you gotta knock it off).
You seem to be on the right track - but you need to stop your head from spinning. Go out, GAL (it's in the books) and read Sandi's rules on the front page. Read them often!
Dig in, be strong, and know that growth and change are forged in the flames of suffering and pain....and it is quite possible you have not seen the worst of it yet.
Hang in there....there is hope.
Crimson
PS....do yourself a favor and listen to the veterans on the boards. The MOST helpful people you will find outside of individual counselors...no questions. They will push a challenge you...but always in pursuit of a good end.
Sorry that you find yourself on here. You won't find a better group of individuals who will try to get your M back on track.
First things first. Have you read the DB and DR books?
"When our first one was born, we decided that she would stay with the baby and quit her job, she has been "at home" for the past 11 years now, and hasn't really had work outside of the home which I am totally OK with, but now I know that she wasn't really OK with it."
That's a bit simplistic. This isn't about THAT decision. It's about the consequences. Did you help out? Did you talk to her and ask her how her day was or try to help her when you got home?
"Throughout the years she has felt that everything has always been on my time, purchasing a home, purchasing furniture or improvements to the home."
Is this true? Did you not listen to her when she wanted something and you didn't?
"She feels that because she doesn't work, she has to ask for permission like a child, which has hurt her feelings for me. "
Is this true? How did you talk to her? Did you talk her out of things rather than compromise?
"I have always been very conservative and don't like to spend money, and always tell her " let's wait" or " now is not a good time"
But your are in a relationship WITH her. You can't make all the decisions on how she wants to live.
Y"ears of doing that has caused resentment in her heart towards me, and she feels that her dreams are never met, she feels that we can never sit down and talk about things together, make decisions as adults, her own words ( i always felt like in the back of the bus). She told me she didn't want to be the pilot, but she wants to be the co-pilot."
Big sign here.
"Meantime through out all of this i thought everything was just going perfect,"
Sure because you got whatever you wanted.
"and i made profound changes and want her back but getting a lot of restriction and hitting the wall. "
And what exactly were those changes?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You are at the right place ... and honestly .. don't take this the wrong way .. as dire as your story is .. read here a bit .. there are those in a worse sitch.
^^^^ Totall agree with Crimson ... listen to the vets, LISTEN and DO ... if they tell you stop texting and calling .. do it man. DO not smother her ... everything at first will feel like you are doing the opposite of what you feel ... DO IT
The trifecta ... you might as well get used to these three things ... GAL, PMA, 180 ... start there along with reading the Sandi-37 and hold to it. the more you stuggle the quicker you will sink in the quicksand you have found yourself in.
Crimson, mrbond, caliguy thank you for the advice.
Crimson, I am currently on page 50 of Divorce Remedy. I have also bookmarket sandi-37 rules and have been reading them atleast twice per day and implementing them.
Mrbond, I have not been good at all, as far as the decision, it's always been on my time. Although we have always got everything she wanted, it was always in my time and when we had arguments I said "look around, we have always got everything you wanted"
She says "but look at how low I have to get before we get it, instead of coming to a common agreement like 2 normal adults"
I did not help around the house much at all.
If I could go back in time and spend 10 minutes with myself, I would slap myself silly for 9 minutes and for the remaining minute tell myself to get my head out of my rearend.
The pain of having my wife slip through my hands is a pain that I have never felt before.
I moved back home a month ago and staid for 30 days, I did nearly everything in the house. She told me I'm a different person and she has to now get to know me again. She did tell me that every time I would do laundry she felt like she wanted to puke, and she thought "why couldn't you that 5 years ago???"
The tension was just too high so I moved out again because her decision on getting a divorce was fuled by the tension. I have left her alone for a couple weeks with no contact other than very short texts about the kids. I figured that I'm going to take this time and work on myself, read Divorce Remedy, implement the guidance in the book, implement sandi-37, council with this forum, give her time to calm down and hope she makes a decition while she's not as angry as she was when I was home.
I am and have always been an optimist, A lot of people close to me are telling me "she's done, move on". Others are telling me that no man they know would take the blame as much as I have, and wait around for so long with no answer.
Truth is, Im not looking for praise, I Want my wife back and I know that I can be the person she fell in love with. I am determined to stay the course (won't be an easy one) because I want to grow old with her, cherish her and make her feel loved and supported. This woman is one in a billion, I am not about to lay down and say "ok" to the divorce.
Again thank you for the advice so far, I'm here to learn and I am determined to become a better man for my wife.
Your situation sounds like mine. Same thing, I was totally clueless. Anyway, it's rough riding, but this place is a godsend. Biggest area I struggled with is detaching. I was so scared that my feelings for her would diminish if I emotionally detached, but they don't. However, now that I have; it's like I can finally think clearly about how to react and not overreact in situations. Like they said do work on PMA, GAL and 180s.
You're probably like me and a lot of the advice here is contrary to what you are used to doing. That's the point and why this board is so great. It helps me understand what to do and not to do. Each situation is different, but the folks on here have seen so much and can be objective when our minds/emotions prevent us from thinking that way.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
MCS, thanks for the reply. You are right, a lot of things that i feel like doing and saying are totally the wrong way of doing things. I am on page 100 now in Divorce Remedy, and one of the things i just read was to do the complete opposite of what i normally do.
This is in terms of how i handle conflict, "nagging", her objections etc....I use to just get to the point and try to "fix" the issue the way that seemed logical to me, but it was not logical to her. I am implementing that habit today and will stick to it, I wont try to "fix" conflict like i have in the past, i will listen to her, speak with her like adults do and come to a agreement that she feels good with. Rather than her walking away thinking that it was all her fault.
The only problem is, im not currently at home so the times i see her are very limited, but the book writes about my current situation and how to make the most out of the time that i see her. I will keep everyone posted, and if there are any people on this board that have gone through what i am, and have had success and staid together with their wife, please show me a link so i can read about it.
A little motivation never hurts
And as always, any advice/encouragement/guidance is VERY WELCOMED!
Went to see the kids for a little bit after work yesterday, saw my wife. She was pretty cold, not much talking, just things relating to the kids. She saw my wedding band ( she took hers of ) and asked if it was from my girlfriend. She knows I don't have a girlfriend, she was referinf to the ring NOT being from her.
I didn't say anything, and I know that she probably felt bad later about the comment she made, she is taking a jab because she feels so hurt right now. I didn't say anything in return, I want her to get her anger out without me going to war and making the matter worse. I felt pretty crappy when she said that, but it's a new day today and I'm on page 120 of Divorce Remedy.
Not exactly sure how to handle my wife, don't want to make contact with her because she is angry, and don't want to completely leave her alone although that would probably be the best thing. I just don't want her to file for divorce and get deeper in to this mess.....talk about an emotional roller coaster ride for the past 5 months!
Well it's been 2 weeks since I last talked with her, read the book and I'm just staying away, acting "as if" when I see her and just waiting on her to say something. She hasn't filed yet, said she was but that was a month ago. What in the world is going through her head? I'm totally confused and lost.
