The Goddess and GUBU: Square Dancing at the Triple GGG Ranch

[GoatGal]

Beatrice,

I don't know which situation is better.
Having your H take to the hills and make all the decisions for you and making it 100% clear that it's over, or one who gives you hope that things might be better?

I guess I will be able to answer that question better once my sitch is resolved, either way. But the catch is, will it EVER be "resolved"?

Won't the issues always be issues? Won't I always be on guard from now on?

I think that's why I often feel it would have been "easier" all the way around if he had died.

But that's exactly how I feel about my pre-MLC H. I don't know how many people there might be out there who would be that compatible with me.

(I'm sure it comes across here that I'm not exactly your average woman--not in terms of worthiness, but in terms of quirkiness!)

I know I could find "someone", but even in spite of our issues, H and I were very compatible in many ways.
Although, to be honest, in some core ways we are not compatible at all.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but sexually he was not exactly meeting my needs. I married him in spite of this, with full knowledge that I was accepting a less-than-stellar sex life. I suffered along with this our entire marriage, because I loved him.

I figured that it was only a small part of a relationship, and what if he had a physical issue that he couldn't help? That's the way I looked at it.
And I was completely faithful to him and "understanding" of his "problems".

It's only been recently that I discovered these "problems" were very much based in his pornography addiction, and that--physically at least--he was quite capable of having a full intimate relationship with me. That hurt me a lot.

Also was painful to learn that his excuses for why our sex life was not better were merely deflections away from his addiction, and always pointed at me as somehow being the problem.
Which I never believed--but I didn't understand why we could never have an adult conversation about why we didn't ML more, or the way I would like... believe me, I tried.
And he reacted with defensiveness, blame, withdrawal, anger... so finally I just gave up. If there is one thing I regret, this ^^^ is it.

Unfortunately, the lack of physical intimacy extended into the rest of our lives. Very little physical affection or attention. Again, I accepted this. Over time, I got used to it and found other ways to get the physical touch I craved in non-sexual ways. (DANCING!)

But pre-MLC he definitely had some issues, like passive-aggression and manipulation. Because of my Asperger's, I was VERY easily manipulated.

I have since learned about the techniques he used (typical) and they don't work on me any more. I learn and adapt. So I am no longer willing to live with that dynamic.


And he is aware that the scales have fallen from my eyes, that his tactics no longer work on me, and that I won't tolerate that kind of baloney any more. From anyone. EVER.

In a nutshell (NITTY!), he would have to change A LOT to make being with him a better option than being ALONE.


---(G)GGG

[beatrice]

I've dated a few men, but in my neck of the woods, all they want is a mother, i.e., someone to cook, clean and take care of them. I raised one and I'm not about to do so again. LOL!

If anyone knows a neck of the woods where that isn't (usually) the case they should keep very quiet about it, otherwise there might just be a stampede LOL

Not talking about younger men here, who seem to be much more together. And apologies to the many fine men here who post. Just sayin . . .

[beatrice]

GGG My xh's issues were different - and more resolvable, paradoxically!!

You might find it helpful to talk to someone who specialises in dealing with marriages where the partner is addicted to pornography. Understanding the sources of this, and how to manage your response might be helpful - just a thought. With the easy availability of pornography via the internet it is a growing problem.

More seriously your husband probably needs to be careful. It is very easy to start downloading stuff which is illegal, without quite knowing how it got to that.

My understanding of pornography is that it can escalate . . . . sorry if I have strayed into painful territory, but I know people who have had some experience of this. The internet seems anonymous, and that is one of the problems. But it isn't, it can be very traceable.

[GoatGal]

No, bea, don't be sorry.


I am well-educated on the subject and very aware of how is has affected my life, his life, and our M.

He is pretty secretive about his therapy, I suspect because of the shame, but there is a component of sexual therapy going on.

It's not something we're even close to working out as a couple. He's still at the point of coming out of his denial and learning how it was a contributing factor to the demise of our marriage.

As for him being careful, well, I can't make him do anything. He already had ongoing unprotected sex with his OW and for a number of reasons that was a very, very bad idea.

He has admitted that his use had escalated and he started viewing more and more things that previously disgusted him. And then wanted to act those things out with OW, I suspect, from some things he said off the cuff.

One of the many reason why she probably dumped him.

He has essentially ruined himself for any type of loving, considerate, non-kinky lovemaking. Too boring. Too intimate emotionally...

The list is long... very long.

And I am sick and tired of having a SSM for 23 years+ because of this.

[beatrice]

GGG I can only imagine - it is desperately sad for you.

I am not a standard issue woman either ! (if such a thing exists) and have always been very independent, run my own business etc.

[GoatGal]

Yeah, beatrice, we independent types are atypical.

I saw a show recently (one of many enlightening programs I watch to understand how other people work since it doesn't come naturally) that was all about dating: Alpha males, Beta males, Alpha 1/2, submissive females, dominant females, independent females.

Granted, not all that scientific, but an interesting commentary on human nature.

Supposedly, most men are attracted to submissive females. Duh!
However, many men get involved with domineering/dominant type females and get frustrated with them.

Truly independent women (who have no need to dominate and only want a equal, strong partner) are harder to pair up. We need a man who is also independent, but loving and strong.

I don't WANT to have to be the one to decide/fix/plan/initiate. It drives me nuts. I would like to do exactly half! I don't want to be the "I don't know, whatever YOU want, darling.. I have no will of my own..." type either.

(Interestingly, this is H's OW type to a tee. Someone he can feel superior to and "in-charge". The fact that he was the top boss over her and everyone else probably didn't hurt her perception of him as a powerful man. Which he is not. I'm a lot harder to feel superior to, and if that's what he needs to feel in order to function sexually, count me out.)

I don't "need" to be right or have things "my way". I want a partner who is confident enough in himself to have a strong voice in the R.

This does not describe my H. Before, during, OR after.
It may look as though I'm dominant, and no doubt H even feels that way.

But it's because he is PASSIVE. It falls to me time and time again to make decisions.... but that's not the way I want it.

I don't want to be the one to tell him what to do. But he asks... because he doesn't seem to be able to figure it out on his own.

This is one of the things I've learned. Who I am and what I need.
I do not need, nor do I want passive, covert-aggressive, Mr. (Pretend) Nice Guy.

The "I'll just act like a nice guy, but do what I want behind your back. Nanna Nanna Boo-Boo, stick your head in doo-doo."

[beatrice]

I don't WANT to have to be the one to decide/fix/plan/initiate. It drives me nuts. I would like to do exactly half! I don't want to be the "I don't know, whatever YOU want, darling.. I have no will of my own..." type either.

Interestingly my xh's women are the passively controlling type - if you know what I mean. Whereas I really want a consultative relationship, where both partners have a real say.

I own and operate my own chainsaw, but I also like silk underwear and high heeled shoes!!

I do not need, nor do I want passive, covert-aggressive, Mr. (Pretend) Nice Guy.

I am so with you on that one too.

I have opinions, but I like to hear the opinions of others - my friends do not have to agree with me!!

[GoatGal]

Bea, I'm with you with the silky lingerie and chainsaw!!!!

I have a tractor and seamed stockings... and a 1930's vintage hairstyle.

[beatrice]

Oh yes, I am so with you on seamed stockings!! and cuban heels!!

Perhaps we had better stop or we will have the men fanning themselves!

[GoatGal]

Yeah, lots of men, excluding my husband.

Hahahah.