Edz - Tough Times ahead proceeding with caution

[edz]

All that being said though, doesnt change the emptiness I feel in my life right now. Just seems a never ending cycle of work, tasks to do to get the move accomplished, bad news, an all too brief visit with S and possibly a meet up with W then sleeping and repeat. I know things will change (for the better is a different matter) but right now it all seems very bleak from my perspective.

I do acknowledge all those here who've had it much worse though, whether its just I don't know where I stand, the season, the dark wet winter we seem to be heading into a combination of the above or me just having less resolve to overcome it all I'm not sure.

I keep telling myself, this will not be the state of my life this time next year, it helps a little but it doesn't change anything.

The only positive thing I heard that buoyed me somewhat was my W saying on Saturday that she and S had seen this behaviour for "years" and she needs to balance that against how I am now, I can understand that, it's the easiest thing in the world to say you've changed, much harder to show it's actually true (as the books and Sandi's rules repeat!)

[jim0987]

Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants so you've got no chance of figuring that one out. Focus on you is all I can say.

Written doesn't have to mean legal. Mine is just a word doc that we discussed then I drew up and emailed to her. My L said that's fine and would be a good start if it ever went to court.

[edz]

Yup I've done the same a couple of times, once for what we were doing finanancially which she delayed as she was housesitting, then because she was busy with S then because .... she didnt want to deal with it and its still up in the air, once for visiting S which she wouldnt even discuss and once for whats going and staying when I move which i forced the issue on by emailing her saying this is what im doing tell me if you disagree which she promptly did.

From talking I take away she's in self imposed limbo until she leaves her mothers, she knows she wants time alone, she is set on that before anything else. Money, practicalities and anyones feelings except hers are all being ignored until that happens.

S tells her he doesnt want this and its me telling him to say that (its the opposite Ive asked him to go easy on her and not blame her and that we both love him regardless of what happens) I tell her, well, all the stuf I've said without violating the 37 rules and I just get the same answer she needs to get away from being told what to do and think (which hasnt been by me in the past 15 years under any circumstance, I've been guilty of the opposite - withdrawing due to being constantly pushed away in our marriage and feeling unloved) but I think its her against the world right now until she's alone.

As you say I stand no chance of figuring it out and beyond making sure my circumstances dont get crashed by it and that S is ok and, preferably, that theres a way back (keeping it paved) I have to just let her get on.

I have concerns as she's said when she did have time when housesitting in august (see first thread) MIL followed her to the place she was housesitting and stayed the night which doesnt sound to me like she's going to get space "alone" especially as MIL owns the place, Id think given the plumbing, electrical and mould issues here and the lack of, well, me to fix anything she'll be onto them to fix things and MIL will be just as present. Additionally she said when she did have time alone in august she just withdrew and slept a lot with S watching TV / on the laptop / phone games.

As you and I have said nothing I can do except be the lighthouse in this, up to her whether she wants to head for the dock or the rocks, kills me to be unable to help bring her home though.

[jim0987]

I'm a solutions man and so there is little that bothers me more than feeling helpless (not in control) but that's what we have to do because in this circumstance helping is controlling.

Doesn't stop it hurting and being rubbish though.

The positive that I'm trying to hang on to is that actually I was pretty unhappy as well, constant rejection hurts and I was dissatisfied about a lot of things. These things are going to get resolved now one way or another and that's a good thing.

[edz]

Well W called me while I was driving back from the shops, as was to be expected she is too busy for lunch or breakfast tomorrow on her birthday. To be expected but hurts like hell, first time in 15 years I wont see her on it.

Only thing she wanted to discuss was dates for getting into the flat and had I arranged for it to be cleaned on exit before her mum kicks off on it.

Kept it together just although my voice was cracking toward the end of the call. Emailed her this evening to wish her a happy birthday for tomorrow and a separate one with dull stuff on the flat.

I'm in pieces tonight. I've turned the phone off because I cant face speaking to anyone. I think, for me, this has all failed. May just be too early but I cant see her turning around from this full sail especially with her mother gunning for me and her inability to ever go against her mothers wishes.

Maybe things will improve, if so I'l be back. For now I dont know I'll consider it but if I dont post again thanks for all of those of you who posted replies to help me, I dont know where I go now, I'll move, I have to, I wish I didnt have to and could just curl in a ball and wish the world away. I've truly had enough now.

Thanks all.

[edz]

Calmed down somewhat. I'll report back tomorrow.

[edz]

Well its W's birthday. No idea what she's doing or where. No contact today although she did send me some humorous links late last night. Wished her a happy birthday again. Nothing since.

Low doesn't describe me today. Got up and started sorting things but gave up. Spent the rest of today in bed as i just couldn't find the enthusiasm to do anything else.

Probably snap out of it tomorrow at least until sons birthday mine and the godfather of depressive days over Christmas.

Re read detachment but realised some part of me is fighting the whole thing.

Anyway nothing else going on here lots i should be doing but today is a curl in a ball day, first since August but i can't deal with it all today...money..Being blanked...house move. ..mil and her demands on the flat.....Being away from son ... too much right now. I admire all you people who take it in your stride I'm feeling very much like everything's ending not a new beginning.

No idea what's next but it's getting harder to believe it will be anything good right now.

[jim0987]

Its OK to have a curl in a ball moment. Its a hard situation and you're going through a lot. sometimes we all just need to adopt that protective position.

What can you do for you that would make you feel a bit less vulnerable?

[edz]

Hi Jim
no idea really can't tackle money further really. Moving is a nightmare but is in progress. Can't go much less contact without hurting contact with s.

Money is to tight to get away and all the friends in have left who haven't bailed with w are married so I'm pretty much isolated.

Not great and not too sure on what comes next.

[jim0987]

I guess I was thinking smaller and more immediate. Something to come out of your ball for rather than solve the big stuff.

Today's a milestone day and so its fine to feel this all more. Today is a cut yourself some slack day - its hard work, but you've earned a tea break (we are British after all)

My mates are all married or engaged and actually their wives have been brilliant support for me. So Id be willing to bet your not as isolated as you feel.