My Wife Filed Today

[FunDad]

More text:

W: Thanks for the food.

m: You are welcome. Thanks for letting me know it would be helpful. Hope you get some rest and the foot heals quickly.

[FunDad]

Ok, so D7 has an eye appt. tomorrow. I just asked her if I could help with that. She says: I don't know, thanks, I'm falling asleep.

D can be final 90 days after petition. So that's Mid December. Ironically, on our wedding anniversary.

Btw - shes says she does not have an anger problem, that she has a (insert my name) problem. She actually said this to me earlier today. A few weeks ago I asked if she was getting to talk to her therapist about her anger issues (I know, I'm the last person that should have said that to her in that way). But - she still remembers that and brings it up occasionally.

Another question - this approach seems to be converse from the LRT in the DR book. I see myself being more available to help and being less elusive with what we did today. Honestly I like it, but it's going to be a switch from what I was doing before (not that it was working very well except to help me emotionally).

[Hope414]

Rule number one about Fight Club: Don't talk about Fight Club.

Rule number one about a spouse with anger: Don't tell them they have an anger problem. Because usually they don't. Your wife identified it correctly. She has a (insert the name) problem.

When you tell your spouse to seek therapy for an anger management issue you are, in effect, telling them they have mental health issues. And, you are also saying you are not responsible for any of the frustration you are causing in the relationship. This just makes them angrier because you are dismissing their feelings.

It's pious. It lacks empathy.

Instead ask what is frustrating her. This is less judgmental. People can explain frustration. Frustration is socially acceptable. If you are willing to listen to her express frustration you show empathy.

Let a trained therapist deal with your wife's anger. Anger is a secondary emotion.

Regarding the DR books. These are roadmaps not instruction manuals. If what you were doing was not working--stop doing it. The point of 180's is to change your behavior.

But you first have to identify what your actual behavior is.

I find the biggest problem is people they think they have changed their behavior but in fact they are doing the exact same thing--just a different way.

[Jefe]

A couple of tings here FD.

The LRT wasn't working for you and Sandi2's signature line even states that this is about finding what works and doing more of that. So, if this works, do more of it, my friend. Hope has not steered me wrong yet. I am starting to see what she is doing and it's not necessarily contrary to DBing just a little contrary to some of the forum opinions sometimes.

Actually, your wife may be right, she does have a FD problem. your job is to cut it out. Come on, man. Do this with me. Let's proactively save our marriages. We can do it! Trust me, I'm in the worst possible place right now to be this fired up (So some of it is fake it till you make it )

Prayers, my friend

[FunDad]

Ok, I'll be more involved and aware of what's going on with her that I normally am. She did not seem to mind that to much today.

God bless you Hope. I appreciate what you have poured into me, and also for my buddy Jefe.

FD

[FunDad]

Thanks for the encouragement Jefe. I can see where my wife has had a FD issue. I appreciate that Hope correctly clarified the symptom (anger) and the problem (me). How often is it that we focus on the symptom, rather than the root cause? Interesting.

So far today has gone well. Picked up kids and checked on her. So far so good.

[FunDad]

So today we texted during the day some. I had stopped initiating that for a while as to not pursue.

Me: We're you able to get D7's glasses?

W: I'm trying to rest before I go get the girls then get the glasses. I've run errands all morning.

M: Oh wow, that's prob been rough on you.

W: I'm fine. But gonna grab a nap.

M: Good deal

(She latter sent a pic of D7 with new glasses.)

M: Yay!

W: Broke a tooth trying to eat beef jerky

M: Oh no.

W: Have a dentist appt tomorrow

M: That must be painful
(end)

So, this is new. We don't normally text back and forth much play-by-play (lately). I think I'll keep it up while it's still respectful. I used to do this all the time with her and it was a comfort for her (I think).

[Jefe]

Good job on the validation. Keep it up.

[Hope414]

I agree with Jefe, very good on the validation. You are getting very good at diffusing your wife.

But--My goodness your wife appears accident prone!

Here is what we have learned so far about your wife:

(1) She ignites easily.
(2) She dislikes it when you contact her.

Her texts reveal she considers unsolicited texts an intrusion into her life:

Me: We're you able to get D7's glasses?
W: I'm trying to rest before I go get the girls then get the glasses. I've run errands all morning.

Translation: You are bothering me. I’m tired. Back off.

Then she did it again:

M: Oh wow, that's prob been rough on you.
W: I'm fine. But gonna grab a nap.

Translation: Go away.

But when she contacted you first she wasn’t prickly. I'm not sure if she disliked you contacting her or if she disliked your asking about the glasses and was defending her "right to rest." Either way--she got defensive and wanted you gone.

So take note: Do not initiate any further conversations unless it is relay information.

[FunDad]

Thanks Gang. Yes, she is very accident prone. :-)

Ok, I'll back off on the initiation and let her be the one, good insight on that.

I found something I need to check on for the kids to make sure their subscription is current. This is one of those "grown up" things to do that she probably has let slip. I'll mention it to her as a side note when we speak next.

FD