25, you are a tough cookie! And that is why I am here. The only other person who has even attempted to push me hard is my IC... and she hasn't come close to the folks on this forum.
Quote:
Also, why do you believe HE KNOWS you have changed? Not asking IF you changed but how or why you believe HE noticed at all?
I've thought about this a lot, and spent some time last night looking back through old emails. He has said and written an acknowledgement that I've shown bravery and grace. He's said that he respects me more now (specifically seeing how well I'm handling being a single mom) than he did when we were together. (Let's set aside for a moment the implication that he did not have much respect his W who was dealing with major anxiety and depression, including undiagnosed PPD...)
Unlike some other LBS's here, I don't really get any spew. I get acknowledgement and thanks for being flexible, or kudos for being a great mom.
He's made comments when he saw that I had done some cooking (a 180 for me), or noticed when I was driving more confidently (there were a couple of times he was a passenger while I was driving recently).
The last time we spoke about our R, a few months ago, he said he was happy that I seemed to be doing so well, that I should be proud of my progress, but that he 'didn't see a married future for us.'
But, I have to face it. He is OUT. And if he's not out, he's very far from being ready to tell me he's had second thoughts.
As for finances, that is definitely an area I need to work on. I'm embarrassed to admit that.
Thinking about what Card wrote on Maybell's thread about male/female friendships.
My H had at least a couple of female co-worker friends who were single (or at least, not married). He was/is fairly close with them--one-on-one lunches, etc. One of them had an affair with another married co-worker. One night, my H met up with her at a bar, very late, after he had already been out with another guy friend.
He couldn't understand why his relationship with her made me uneasy. He got so defensive. I felt like a shrew.
I was such a fool. Why am I fighting for this man or this marriage?
Even if by some chance he did NOT cheat on me, the fact that he couldn't see it from my perspective says a lot about him.
I never told anyone stories like this one, because I was too embarrassed. They would think he was treating me so poorly, and then what kind of person would I be to stay with him? Ick ick ick.
I'm sure your anniversary makes you feel tender. I'm sorry for that.
Many of us are aware of affairs and we're still here. Does it matter what others think of me?
I put my kids to bed after a rollicking night with four of their close friends, and S6 started crying because he misses his dad. I'd rather have his good opinion for exhausting all my efforts at preventing a divorce than anyone else's good opinion for giving my H the boot.
You seem so angry to be standing for your marriage. Why is that? What if you accepted that is your position at the moment and examine the reasons you are so angry to be making this choice for yourself?
Do you feel pressured to stay the course by others on the board because you worry what we'll think if you decide you're done?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I can totally relate to not telling people the stories of your truth because it's too embarrassing and they'd think badly of how he treated you and how could you possibly stay? I really get that.
The situation you described... H meeting up with a single female coworker, very late, and him not seeing your perspective. My H had done the same thing and couldn't just come out to say that it felt good to feel wanted (that was me trying to see his perspective). Instead he defended himself and made me feel insane and small. You're right, it says a lot about him.
Do you feel pressured to stay the course by others on the board because you worry what we'll think if you decide you're done?
I hope you feel no pressure from anyone but if you do, let me reassure you that my admiration for your strength, your standing, just YOU doesn't dwindle in the slightest if you decide standing us no longer what you want. For reals. Genuinely.
I haven't been much help to anyone else lately-- stuck in my own stuff this week and also balancing not feeling well physically, and overwhelmed a bit at work.
But... I just have to say that the compassion and sense of community on this board leave me so humbled and... well, I just can't find the right words to adequately express my appreciation.
So, today is my anniversary and H sent me the "today will always be important because our marriage produced our daughter. You'll always be important to me. I think it's worth acknowledging that, even if things haven't worked out as we anticipated."
There is a new finality in this note. Things "haven't worked out the way we anticipated"?!?!!
Yes, because you anticipated that marriage wouldn't require any work, and I anticipated that my husband wouldn't abandon me.
Holy crap. I've been fine all day and now I am falling apart. Is it just wounded pride I'm feeling? I don't think so. This still feels like such a nightmare. Who is the stranger that just sent me that email? I can't even right now.
For what it's worth, you're not alone. I'm in Maybell's camp.
Not a mention from H this year on our 23rd, but that's a big improvement over last year, where he ignored the day completely, was nasty to me, made me cry, and this even after receiving a card from me along with a plan to go horseback riding together. (We never went.)
That day he picked a fight so he could get out of the house. I found out later that he went to the mall and bought an expensive gift for OW.
Clearly on that day she was more important than I was.
Oh, then he rerouted the credit card statement so I would't see the bill come to the house. Sweet!
He then went to a bar where phone records indicate he spent the entire time talking to her. He wandered in later on that afternoon and picked another fight that drove me from the house for a three hour drive. I assume this was so he could continue to converse with her. (I think they were actually breaking up at this point, so lots of drama! Must have chapped his hide to get caught not even a week after it was over! Still.)
Stupid me. Still didn't have a clue.
WORST. ANNIVERSARY. EVER.
You have my sympathy however.
I wonder, when does it stop hurting when they say things like your H said to you, suggesting such a final ending? However, you do realize that you are reading a whole lot more into that then I am?
He also said a bunch of nice things!
Typical for us though, to focus on the one thing that is like a dagger to the heart. Don't forget, these are just words. For all you know, this is him thinking you're done with him.
It stinks, I know. But it I were in your shoes, I would just thank him for the card and say it was nice.
And it was nice... best to acknowledge something compassionate he does for you, and the compliments he gives you. It means he sees you and appreciates you on some level. Let him know you appreciate it, even if he didn't say what you'd hoped.
I'll bet it was a struggle for him to decide whether or not to mention the day, and then what to say to you.
It took a bit of guts, although I'm sure it's hard to appreciate that, considering.
You can still reward yourself for remaining married through thick and thin. And that is an accomplishment. So--Happy Anniversary from US.
((((claire))))
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
