BD and 6 months later PA confirmed (2)

[Bunches]

I agree that I have to stop the evening calls for my sanity for now. They have caused me to gradually get attached every week. Little things said about what is going on in her life give room to the idea that things are changing in her mind and clearly that isn't the case. At least not to the expectations I'm allowing to form in my mind. She tells me about her day and talks about new friends at work or problems she is having socially. I try not to shut her down when she wants to talk about things. Perhaps she has just been trying to be friendly to maintain a more open door policy with getting to talk to our S.

When I slipped up yesterday and got into the topic of not having tried to work it out I got all the usual responses again. "I tried for years and can't do it anymore...its been a year now and I think its time we both move on with our lives...maybe if the separation had happened a few years earlier we could have worked things out".

The trouble with keeping in touch with S is that he can't do it on his own. S is autistic and can be fairly good with facetime where he can see you but even then he just ends up mashing the end call button right away. He doesn't seem to understand the point and since he doesn't talk outside of repeating single words at a time I don't know that he even gets what is going on when we sit down for a phone call. He can use his IPAD for games and starting his music but those apps are designed for his needs. I think if S could manage a phone on his own I'd just put one up and let him answer it on his own at that time of night. Its just not that easy for him.

[Bunches]

Was trying to get the arguement from Sunday off my mind and get back to work today and the first thing I see this morning while waiting on the school bus with S is a picture on FB that cut deep. I don't know if I shouldn't care but I did. W's BF posted Halloween party pictures up on FB. They destroyed her wedding dress and turned it into a zombie costume for BF. A friend of theirs linked it to me as a 'haha'. I know its just a dress but it used to mean something.

[Bunches]

Got a call early today from BIL wanting to spend some time hanging out. Didn't have S for the weekend as its W visitation weekend and previous plans fell through so I thought why not. Tonight he tells me he is sorry to have kept quiet for so long but respected me enough that he felt I needed the truth.

W's PA started months before she left me. She was spending days with OM while I was at work. Also, after the first 6 months following BD, I was told the OM had done something unforgivable and would never be spoken to again. At which point W assured she would not see anyone else as long as we were still M. I'm now told she has gotten back with same OM but between that time there was OM2 who was also married to someone else that went on for a couple months. It seems W has not been alone or without someone for the last 2 years now.

I'm not devistated this time. I'm just angry. I don't intend to confront, I don't see the point. W has done nothing but express her wants to D but with cooperation and agreement that we will do things together in S best interest. Going to meet with L again this week. Its time to file. I'm getting nothing but lies all the time at this point. W has no regret or interest in even trying and I feel like a dumb animal tricked into cooperation by empty lies and misleading. W asked me to agree that we would not see other people while still M about 5 months ago and now I find out it was all a show to convince me that she was giving it a chance she never even considered.

I really wish I had listened to the Starsky advice much earlier on. Feel really dumb now.

[Ggrass]

It's ok, we all do what we think is right.

Did you really want to date?
Did you really want to push the d?

I'm guessing you weren't ready then but sound like you might be now. It's about doing what you think is ok and right for you.

[Bunches]

Thanks Ggrass, its good to know that I'm not just making knee jerk stupid reactions again. I'm not ready to date and I didn't think the D was necessary but W has just been lying to me way before she left and getting away with everything. Right now everything is so open ended and none of my rights are solidified with my S because I've never filed. I need the secure that future with S and as for W things are worth being together now and its just obvious she has done none of the work.

Besides that it sounds like I'm going to need to relocate for work soon and if I don't get custody settled, I could be in a bad spot. Filing at this point is about S and I and what we need...not about punishing W. It is what she wants but that doesn't matter now. I'm ready to move on...even if I do look back from time to time.

[Sotto]

Hi Bunches, I was so sorry to read of where you are, and how things have been. I can understand why you are so angry. That must be so hard to learn what you have learned, given how hard you have tried.

Remember to find ways to let the anger out. I have taken to bashing pillows on the bed with a rolled up newspaper, whilst ranting and raving. Sometimes I do a primal scream in the car. You just have to find a way to release the anger...

I read recently that LBS tend to recover more quickly from situations like this. Normally they are the ones who have been so hurt and desperate, and have put in so much effort. They know that they hung on as long as they possibly could, and did all that they were humanly able to try and save the marriage. This means that they can actually move on more readily than WS, who have to deal with the fact that they have been unfaithful, dishonest and walked away from their marriage.

Good luck to you :-)

[Bunches]

Thank you Toots. I do need to be mindful of the mental state. I have never let my anger get away from me but can get clouded when angry and say the wrong thing. Not hurtful, just stupid things. I've actually done the scream in the car thing when nobody else is around...usually the highway, while moving fast.

I can't really say who will recover faster. Seems my WAW recovered pretty quick to have had some many PA's at this point and still be dating. But that's really of little consequence now. I need to set some new boundaries for now.

Until she values me enough to try to start talking truth and earning some trust, I don't see any reason we should see each other outside of pickups of my S. I also am done with these nightly calls at this point. Its just her getting the chance to feel better like she still has a family at home that loves her. I can't bare that burden for her anymore. I know they say its okay to let WAW come by and see our changes but I can't be around her like this, while she continues to lie about the affairs and act like nothing is going on. I won't take it lying down.

Thanks for commenting guys! Its nice to hear from others.

[Barrybran]

I think setting boundaries is a healthy thing at this point. Its a shame you feel the need to file but I understand the need to protect yourself and your son in light of your work situation. I hope it all works out.

[Bunches]

I can appreciate that point of view Barry. I hate the idea of filing too but I don't feel respected and can barely respect myself now after all she has done and the continuous lies for 2 years now. I don't think it will even phase her but I can't trust her not to make trouble for S and I future. I will see lawyer on Tuesday I hope and if I can just get custody without filing I would but I think it will require filing.

As always thanks for the input and encouragement.

[Arcola]

Bunches,
I'm not caught up on your sitch, but just reading pg 6 of this thread I wanted to comment. If D is the route you go, I hope your WAW comes to her senses if ya'll do the educational classes on the affects to the children. Being a parent, you know only you and W know S best.

A friend of my WAW was once engaged to a guy who had a daughter that was special needs. She often vented how it was difficult to raise his daughter. I don't know if the daughter played a role in the future groom's decision, but out of the blue he called it off with my WAW's friend.