Heather, I see you are on the move this morning and have set some priorities for your oldest for today. I'm sure she wasn't happy about it. She still sees herself as part of the sorority and she's not. She's not attending school there and most likely won't for another semester or so. She so much wants to be part of the college scene because she doesn't have to focus on her issues and yes, the fun and parties are there as well. I know it's difficult for her to accept that things didn't turn out the way she had thought they would last year, but maybe there's a good reason for what happened. Maybe the man upstairs wants her to take a different path for the moment, i.e., maybe he wants her to learn to be humble and grateful for what she does have and not put expectations and demands on others for what she wants and when she wants them. There is no shame in working a job doing dishes. We all have had to take on jobs that we didn't like, and in most cases hated, but we all had to start somewhere and it's usually at the bottom of the totem pole. If she proves herself a loyal and dedicated employee, showing initiative, she might be promoted to something better.
If your daughter will continue to cook and do things around the home, I think $100-$150 is reasonable for rent. She wouldn't get off that cheaply elsewhere.
I do hope that things will settle down and life will be better for all of you. You and your girls have been given a gold opportunity to grow, be more independent and happy. You are now living in a nice place w/each of them having their own bedrooms, a vehicle that is reliable and you have a stable income coming in. So much has happened in one month and yet, all of you are healthy and living comfortably. So much to be thankful for.
If you feel the need to write, then write, but make sure you carve out some time for yourself and your girls. The words relaxation, peace and fun should now be a part of your vocabulary.
From where I'm sitting, life is good for you and your family. It's not often that I see a turnaround of this nature in 30 days. Even if you didn't attend church today, thank the man upstairs for being there when you needed him. For he will always support you no matter what.
The girls did the grocery shopping. D20 cooked another great dinner.
I relaxed some more. Got a little more done for the paper. Did some laundry.
I've felt weepy all day.
Honestly, I think it's been some post-traumatic stress.
Things have calmed down a bit in the past 48 hours, and, in the quiet, I'm feeling all kinds of stress that I was forced to push aside all month.
Still feeling really sad about Smokey. Not sure where it's coming from? I guess all the change in such a short time...It's just scary and I feel pretty alone in this new life. I know the girls are counting on me to make it work.
And, with all the surprises and stress recently, it's felt a bit like BD. Maybe some memories of that time of shattering when everything went all topsy-turvy? I do feel a bit of a nervous twitch thinking about the next bomb that will drop.
I'm cool with some nice and easy living for the next 20 to 30 years or so.
Whatever is going on inside of me...I'm recognizing that it's not a bad thing and I'm trying to take good care of ME. I'm going with it and trying to avoid fighting it.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
When D20 and I had our argument the other day, she didn't call my mother. I thought that was interesting.
In the past, she would call my mother and mom would fuel the fire.
This time, she called a sorority sister and told her what happened. When D20 said that I reacted and had hit her, the sorority sister said, "What had you done before?"
D20 said, "I had kicked her new car and pushed her and called her a pu$$y."
Sorority sister responded, "Well, that was stupid. Don't kick someone's brand new car."
I feel like there's a different dynamic here, between D20 and I, than we had in Ohio. Something is different. I'm remembering the strong mom I was when she was five...as opposed to the weakened, abused woman I was when she was a teen.
She doesn't scare me anymore. And, I think she knows it.
She is reacting a bit like a bucking wild horse, but she is doing the things I ask...without any interference from my mother or the shadow of my old self.
She went to the meeting. She admitted to being a dry drunk. She did the grocery shopping. She picked up her own prescription.
This is a new beginning for us. I just need to keep my cool and continue to reinforce my boundaries. I'd forgotten the mother I used to be with her. I was so strong and structured when she was little. She has needed that mom.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
One thing that's really bugging me is D12. I knew this would be a process in terms of getting settled and getting into a good routine.
I feel so unavailable to her right now. I know that's not the truth, but, that's how it feels.
Tomorrow and Tuesday, for instance, are the two days when I have to be in Watertown for the newspaper's production. I hate that D12 is stuck at home.
I know that Weds. I will be home and in the next week or so, I can start some arrangements for her to meet up with another homeschooling family. They are on vacation this week.
It's just a lot. I really need to trust God and trust this process. Things will fall into place.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Ok, so today was shi!!ty, but not, but it was?? IDK?
I'm still all weepy. Not sure why?
This morning, I opened up my Abandonment book and re-read the first few pages. It reminded me to stay in the moment. So, that's what I focused on this morning. Cried a little on my way to work. Just need to let a little out.
So, I pull it together...get to work. I'm in the best shape I've been as far as production of the newspaper is concerned. I'm working on my layouts...putting pieces into place...
Still feeling sad. I've been like back to ol' Heather...waiting for a text message. All weekend, that's what I've been like...waiting for a text message from Smokey. WTF?
Well, I got one.
Around 10 a.m. I get this evil text message.
Smokey: I take it your not going to pay the car insurance for your new car as it hasn't been paid yet . so I'm preparing to drop it off the policy leaving you uninsured . It was due in Oct and still has not been paid .
(I transcribed the text, grammatical errors and all--he's always all over the place with periods and so forth)...
Well, I'm about to burst into tears because I'm all emotional for some reason. I react.
Me: Yes, because why would you want to help me drive D12 around in a safe vehicle? That would be out of character for you.
Smokey: Are you gonna pay it ? When ?
Me: After I pay our $1250 per month rent. Friday. Let me know when you plan to send more than $200 in child support. That would help.
Then, just to show how all over the place I am...I added...
Me: Thanks for the package. I appreciate it.
Cuz, I needed to add some desperation in there for ol' times sake.
Smokey: Ok dropping the car those pr
(not sure what that was supposed to say?)
Smokey: The jeep is still covered.
Me: The jeep isn't running. Don't bother.
Smokey: I don't have any money to send it's all being utilized to clean the house up and get it on the market . have to redo the bathroom. New tub toilet sink paint the interior and apparently the vanity.
Me: Maybe you could drop the Jeep for now? (Thought I'd make an effort to be nice)
Smokey: Not allowed too. Only thing I can drop is the new one that you put on the day you filed . unles you give the ok too.
Me: I will just pay it. Today.
Me: I'm on deadline, so give me til five.
Smokey: Ok I'll check later on .
Me: I'd expect nothing less.
Smokey: I got it dropped to $110 for your portion.
Me: I appreciate that. Not bein a smart a$$.
No response.
Desperate much? Yup. Ol' Heather was oozing out my pores. At least, that's how it felt. I may not have conveyed it, but I was desperately hoping for some small ray of hope.
And, it hurt and pi$$ed me off all at once about the home improvements. Seriously? He is spending all this money on improvements that have been needed for how many years? And, he waits until now and pays me $200 in child support.
Once I calm down, I think he revealed a bit of himself in this dialogue today.
I paid the insurance.
Sitting with D12 right now while I detox from the day.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
All that I can say is "I'm sorry your day was not a good one".
I'm not surprised to read that he didn't want to pay for the insurance on the new vehicle you are driving. In fact, I'm surprised he's been paying the insurance on the jeep this long. Generally, once people are separated, both parties tend to pay their own insurance on the vehicles that they are driving, or for some...until a filing is made for divorce. You've been lucky he's paid the vehicle insurance up to this point.
Heather, don't allow the home repairs to bug you. He's tossing you a dart of annoyance because he wants to make a point, i.e., the house needed some repairs, etc. If the repairs are made, then the house will sell more quickly and that loan will be gone. Hopefully he will then begin to pay more in child support. I think he's being honest w/you about where his money is going right now. Don't know where he's getting the money to make the home repairs, but if the repairs will help to sell the place, good for him.
Also, he was hinting for you to advise him that you had put the drawers to the vanity in the mail. I'm telling you, he's going to keep bugging you about that. I do hope your daughter packed them up and mailed them out so that he'll stop bugging you about them.
BTW, I didn't think his text message was evil at all. It was simply put that he wanted to know how you wanted to handle the car insurance and he also informed you as to what he's doing w/the house.
Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully things will be better for you. Try to stay positive. You've got a lot going your way and you will have set backs every now and then. Those set backs will make you stronger as you continue to move forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse.
It's my Dad's birthday.
D20 called him to wish him Happy B'day.
During the conversation the tuition money and remaining balance on her college fund came up.
I was late picking her up from work because I couldn't leave the office.
She got pi$$ed.
Ok. So, we are driving home and she asks about her college money. Now, we've been all over this, over and again.
I had to use some of the college money for the attorney. It actually made up for some money I had cashed out last year to pay for college for D20. Anyway, my dad wasn't aware of it all because I didn't want to burden him and knew he'd make a big deal out of the money and then bail out D20...
Well, she must've gotten all pi$$ed off and she decided to call him and tell him that she has a remaining balance with school for the $2500. And, she tells him that the money he thinks went to college didn't.
She dumps this all in my lap and, then, gets in my car and drives away.
It's my dad's birthday. Now, he's convinced I'm a horrible, dishonest person. And, D20 is getting $3,000 from her account along with access to the remaining money in her college fund.
I'm not sure I ever want to see her again.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Again, I'm sorry, but you know your daughter has been an angry young woman this week and she'll do anything she can to get that money to go back to college. I'm sorry, but I don't think you can honestly trust her because she's turned on you a few times and this one takes the cake.
Why is she driving off in your car? What if she doesn't return this evening? How will you get to work?
If and when she returns home, I think it's time to give her two options: 1) stay in NY, continue to work, plan to return to college in the fall and continue AA; or 2) pack her bags and tell her to figure out where she's going to live and hit the road.
Heather, it's time for some tough love w/your daughter. You've given her enough rope now and she's hung herself. She's been a bully, she's verbally and physically abusive and that mean streak she has when she's angry just makes me cringe. She's got some issues and quite frankly, she's old enough to figure things out and live on her own for a while. You and your family need to step back and allow her to grow up.
Tough love...it's time to open the cage door and boot her out if she's going to continue disrespecting you at every turn.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
