Success stories... are you looking for long-term reconciliations or people in piecing? Crimson is piecing now, and that's the forum where you'll find him.
T0324 is piecing, she is on Newcomers. Thornton was on Newcomers but isn't around anymore.
Mr.Bond (he used to have a different name) Starsky used to be PuppyDogTails
PearlHarbr is a great one -- apart for a year, went to piecing, ultimately decided she no longer wanted the relationship. Her thread, if it still exists, is a great one to read about boundaries.
Did I mention ButterflyMom? Her threads are still around. I found her through her H, favoriteweirdo. He was an MLC H who joined the boards after he & BFM reconciled to offer guidance to LBS's.
Last edited by Maybell; 11/02/1407:08 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Hey, if you don't want to clog up your thread with these a new thread where everyone can share the stories and helpful links they find on the boards would probably get a lot of traffic. You could even call it a wiki and we could add dates as we came across them.
Thanks for starting this.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I agree with Maybell. It would be great if this were a thread that got pinned at the top! I've come across similar ones but all the links are broken after the great purge. Thanks, Mozza, for putting this together.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
you mentioned that the ordeals seem to be either 6 months or so, or years.
Unless a spouse is just kind of "Freaking out" with a quick resolution, (and it's still good to come here so they can avoid becoming a divorce statistic a year or two later)...
most marriage problems of any duration, require many months or years to repair.
IF you have a marital crisis, and it's deep and real, it has to be fully studied and repaired to restore the marriage.
NOT just reconcile but REPAIR AND RESTORE....and that takes time.
I've seen many couples rush the reconciliation and in fear, they move back in and pretend all is well....and only weeks or months later they are broken again, b/c they never really repaired the problems they had. (You can see the signatures wherein LBSers write "reconciled X date and then BD#2.." happens, which means they did NOT truly reconcile or restore their marriage; they just moved back in together.
One or both were operating in fear, not honest self evaluation and authentic change.
Maybe you can Learn to see time as a friend...
The "Secret" to doing all this is that it's not a secret. We tell everyone here to work on themselves and stop focusing on their spouse or what they think are their spouses flaws.
GAL is required for Detachment. IT cannot be stressed enough. It's also a great way to make sure you are happy and content in your life regardless of what a WAS does...and imo, GAL is KEY to your happiness.
(Its so odd to see people here for a long time, still berating their spouses and NOT owning their own role in the problems or working on becoming their best selves. I DO NOT think "venting" here is that helpful. I know for me, it kept me stuck in my anger and victimhood. When I stopped recounting all my h's errors and how HE hurt ME, I finally got somewhere.
Yes I can say honestly today, that my h erred a lot. He did hurt me AND our children. And once you admit all that, you have to ask yourself if you still want to make it work, but know it only works with forgiveness. Which means you do not get to throw it in their face, or hold it over their heads forever, OR act as if you are owed (that last part took me awhile).
You must let it go.
Focus on making yourself happy and healed. Staying in your own sandbox, and out of theirs.
Work on becoming the best YOU that you can become. Let go of the past and the scorecards of what they did to you, and all of that.
Learning what forgiveness is and doing it, means so much here. It is Key.
NO Long term marriage is happy, without forgiveness. Period.
IT DOES NOT MATTER IF YOU BELIEVE THEY "DESERVE FORGIVENESS" ---B/C you cannot restore your marriage without it. Period. Begin Looking forward to the happier more fulfilling life YOU are creating for yourself.
Think about that^^^... Who wouldn't want to be around you then?
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 11/02/1408:22 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you so much 25yearsmlc for stopping by. This is the 2x4 I needed.
I like to tell myself that I'm good at DB-ing because I look like it: I don't pursue, I don't confront my wife and I GAL a lot. But inside, I don't DB at all. I don't detach one bit. I'm still very focused on her. All my changes, I think of what her reaction would be. I regret that she won't see certain changes, as if they were for her.
But mostly, I'm still full of resentment. Just to be able to write this post, I had write over 1500 words of venting to a friend, to take the anger and disappointment off my chest.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
most marriage problems of any duration, require many months or years to repair. IF you have a marital crisis, and it's deep and real, it has to be fully studied and repaired to restore the marriage.
Agreed. I know it in my head, but my heart wants my sitch to be aver ASAP. As if it were a solution to the real problems. I need to change my behaviors and my W needs to learn a life lesson. We can't go back together before that.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
The "Secret" to doing all this is that it's not a secret. We tell everyone here to work on themselves and stop focusing on their spouse or what they think are their spouses flaws.
I also know that there's another side to my story, one that would help me much much more to be a better person and to preserve the respect that I have for the woman I want to "re-marry". It's to focus on my faults, the things that I can change and learn. Anything that will make me a better man for MY benefit, not even for that of my W (this one or another). I live with the consequences of not being good enough to this W. Either I learn and avoid that fate again, or I blame her and continue with my flawed behavior. Again, it doesn't matter if 5% or 90% of the fault is mine: I can only work on that share.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
(Its so odd to see people here for a long time, still berating their spouses and NOT owning their own role in the problems or working on becoming their best selves. I DO NOT think "venting" here is that helpful. I know for me, it kept me stuck in my anger and victimhood. When I stopped recounting all my h's errors and how HE hurt ME, I finally got somewhere.
Yes I can say honestly today, that my h erred a lot. He did hurt me AND our children. And once you admit all that, you have to ask yourself if you still want to make it work, but know it only works with forgiveness. Which means you do not get to throw it in their face, or hold it over their heads forever, OR act as if you are owed (that last part took me awhile).
I like to know that there will be a moment to talk about our issues and my pain even. But it's not now. We're supposed to have lunch together soon and all I can think up are sentences to confront her about the OM. I have to let go and really start DB-ing or I will blow it.
My goal in the next 48 hours is to focus solely on myself, flaws and dreams. Also, to find a better balance in my life. I'll spend less time here. I'll spend more time reading DR. I'll focus on my work during the day, on my kids when they're with me. Reduce the obsession with the sitch and live more normally.
Really, thank you 25yearsmlc.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
My goal in the next 48 hours is to focus solely on myself, flaws and dreams. Also, to find a better balance in my life. I'll spend less time here. I'll spend more time reading DR. I'll focus on my work during the day, on my kids when they're with me. Reduce the obsession with the sitch and live more normally
.
Good goals! Good luck!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
