So boring detail. Pre BD we always tidied up as soon as the kids were in bed. Generally I'd do the washing up and put the toys away. W would clean the kitchen and sort the laundry. She complained that I didn't do the dishwasher or the laundry or sweep the floor enough - but its not like I wasn't tidying and she hates doing the lounge. Since BD, if I'm home she does pretty much nothing to tidy up.
If I just leave it - it will been seen as me being passive aggressive, if I say something then it's my vindictive backlash and if I ignore it then I guess I'm being weak.
And yes its just on her phone, its all she does most evenings. Stays in her room on her phone - I assume to PF.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Well, do YOU see it as "passive-aggressive"? If so--why?
Passive aggressive means you are angry with her and don't want to come out and say so, so you undermine her in some way.
That's not what this is.
This is HER choosing not to do HER PART of the chores that are needed for the family.
Is it reasonable to suspect that now, since she doesn't feel like it, that you should pick up her end so she can disappear into her room and spend time on the phone like a teenager?
I think not.
This is not a hill you want to die on--so don't make a big deal out of it. But if I were in your shoes I'd find a way of drawing that boundary.
If she's not wiling to do her part, then either it doesn't get done until she does it, or you decide you're willing to do it yourself.
You don't need to mention it or rub it in. ACTIONS! But you shouldn't feel guilty for not enabling her, not at all.
Right now it sounds like she's got it pretty good and she's got you right where she wants you.
Time to brainstorm some ideas.
Sorry, but this ticks me off. You are being too nice and I hate seeing people being taken advantage of like this.
What would you recommend to a male friend in the same boat?
Like I said, if she doesn't like it--that's ON HER. It's not your job to make sure she thinks/feels the right thing about your actions.
You do what's best for YOU, and if that means things aren't picture perfect every minute, so be it.
You sound too worried about what she might think and what conclusions she might draw if you don't do this or that.
How about you go into YOUR room and disappear for a while, texting away on your phone? OK, maybe that might be a little passive-aggressive, but you get the idea.
You do what needs to be done ON YOUR TERMS. She is not helping. Therefore she does not get to dictate the quality/quantity of work.
Make sense?
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
And yes its just on her phone, its all she does most evenings. Stays in her room on her phone - I assume to PF.
Looks like the fog. My W was probably in the same situation, since she was always on her phone in the last few days she stayed home. I just confirmed the OM two days ago. What can we do? Nothing, we're told. Either we wallow in our suffering or we GAL. Sigh. Good luck, you're not alone.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
My plans tonight consist of ironing, getting sorted for work and watching the USGP (hello Texas).
So swimming and cooking lunch with my D snapped me out of my funk and I've been in a good mode all day. Lots of playing, colouring, singing , dancing and silliness. Made my LB laugh so much I had to change his nappy.
W was around most of the day and mostly just watched. Seemed distant and fed up but actually its been a lot like that for as long as I can remember (certainly since LB was born). She did make nice comments about my cooking and even reminisced about some of the food I've cooked in the past. I also made her laugh a few times.
She had a bit of a strop about not being able to find her CDs since we moved. Complained she's wanted them for ages but its the first time she's mentioned it. Then she had a complaint about how her 'all her stuff is just shoved in the garage'. I simply said its mostly books in the garage and carried on playing with kids. I don't know where that all came from but she got grumpy about it.
Anyway I had a nice day with the kids and they had a lot of fun.
If I post too much or with too much detail let me know.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
For what it's worth, when it became clear that H wasn't going to pull his weight, I told him he could do his own laundry and starting being less shy about asking him to take kids to Scouts, etc. generally stopped making his life easy.
Also, I'm not embarrassed enough to admit... towards the end he went three weeks without putting his clean laundry away. everything he wore was stacked all around the dresser. So I had a tantrum and emptied everything out of his dresser into a heap in front of it, and then threw all the clean clothes on top. He moved out a couple of weeks later... but for the rest of those couple of weeks he put his clean laundry away.
I had forgotten I did that... it was really cathartic. But not probably one of my more effective actions. I was feeling pretty powerless at that point though, so it made me feel better even if it didn't help the situation.
Don't do as I did.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Oh, and one boundary that many have drawn with their wayward spouses (particularly WIVES) is that THERE IS TO BE NO TEXTING/CALLING THEIR AFFAIR PARTNER UNDER THE FAMILY ROOF.
It is completely disrespectful. Believe me, she KNOWS THIS.
I'll defer to the vets here on how to enforce this boundary.
I can tell you that if the situation was reversed, I wouldn't think much of my husband if he let me get away with not helping out because I was texting the man I was sleeping with.
I would laugh and think "Chump. That's why I'm leaving you."
That may sound harsh but it's the truth.
Putting your foot down does not mean you have to be angry or aggressive. You can calmly state your position and then, a consequence that you can enforce.
Maybe you no longer pay her phone bill, maybe.... well, that's for you to decide.
There is a very clear line between being a responsible dad/homeowner/adult and being used and abused for fear of making W "more angry/disappointed".
You will never go wrong with being calmly strong and assertive, compassionate (as to a neighbor) and willing to stand on your own two feet and move forward.
It's hard, but you have to base your actions on WHAT IS RIGHT, and not on how it might affect your W.
Put yourself and your children first. Your M and wife COME SECOND. This is what SHE wanted, remember? Then she gets what she asked for.
Don't be a jerk about it. Be very nice. But she is not your wife right now in her mind so you should stop thinking of yourself as her husband. She doesn't, except to lean on you when she needs you.
She needs to know that you are not available to her in that way as long as she is doing things to undermine your M.
I know it's hard, but it's one of the keys to detachment.
She can't have it both ways.
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Id probably say that if its annoying you then you need to say something. But that's assuming they have a loving relationship. If it were a room mate then I'm less sure as there would be more seperation.
She came down to get food just as I finished and asked 'you alright?' I said 'I'm OK, just going to get some dinner'.
Anything beyond is me mind reading.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
All the roles are the same, just different actors.
What would you tell HIM? -----------------------------------------------------------------
She keeps trying to "take your temperature" because she's not sure why you're not acting as she anticipated.
And yes, no mind-reading allowed. So keep it short and sweet, not too much information, nothing about how you're "feeling", even if she asks. If you must, just say: 'This is a difficult time for all of us, but I will be fine." Because that's the truth.
If she were really worried about your feelings, she wouldn't be doing what she's doing.
What she likely wants to know is "Are you mad at ME?" and probably worries how that will play out, what you might do that would affect HER.
Because make no mistake. This is all about HER. She doesn't get to take a reading on your emotional status anytime she wants clarification.
Let her know you're fine, just moving forward. That shows you "respect her decision". (Even though you don't, but you won't win by trying to convince her otherwise.)
Hang in there.
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
She pays her own phone bill so no influence there.
I probably need to update my signature. So she left me for OM. They had a one night thing and then he backed right off. They had another late night a couple of weeks later. Apparently he does want anything more and feels sorry for her. She is actively pursuing him and has drunk texted him a few times.
She is now just looking for 'something meaningless' and to 'feel a real man'. She and PF went out Friday night looking for a casual one night stands and judging by the photos on FB was successful.
I know a lot of this because I snooped (I know) but today her phone WS right there for about an hour where I could have snooped and I decided I didn't want to because that's not helping me be better (and its mostly unpleasant to read). Not a big victory as I shouldn't have snooped previously but better.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I think I said before she seems to be waiting for some kind of massive vindictive backlash from me.
The only time thats been me is after she met her ex and lied about it. And even then it was more about me feeling worthless (though not how she interpreted it) then doing some serious withholding. Thinking about it she felt that I ripped her self esteem apart for that and this is way worse - I guess she is expecting that x10 or maybe that's mindreading too much
Last edited by jim0987; 11/02/1408:29 PM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
