The Goddess and GUBU: Square Dancing at the Triple GGG Ranch

[GoatGal]

You're right, of course.

Saying what you suggested simply tells him that:
1. I heard him
2. I care

So, good response.
But I think I will wait until much later tonight to respond. It's just too weird.

For what it's worth, I really feel like his initial texts were how he felt or wanted to feel

That he wants to be here and that he really does like me (no matter how I'm dressed.)

But I also think he's very fearful and as soon as he put that out there, he felt the strong need to retract it--BECAUSE IT MAKES HIM EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE.

So all the rest was backpedaling.

He has wanted to be here and he has enjoyed being around me. I know he misses many things about our life.
I also believe that he is terrified.

I think he has backed himself into a corner and although he might want to come home and try again on some level, I think the fear of failure/rejection and the need for him to change things about himself is overwhelming.

I understand this. I really do.

But it's not my job to fix this for him. I don't want a man who expects me to kiss all the boo-boos and say it's fine.
It's NOT fine.

I am the one who has had their heart dragged over the coals. To expect ME to do all the heavy emotional lifting while he sits in the catbird seat where he remains "safe" isn't going to happen.

"Pave the road"? Fine.

"Roll out the Red Carpet"? Not on your life!

In any case, I see this as continued movement forward on his part. It's new (though not "improved") behavior that shows, if nothing else, that he is working things out.

I'm really glad he will not be around tomorrow!


---(G)GGG

[Maybell]

Wonka nailed it, but I was here and not ignoring.

I'm following your "act out the boundaries" advice with my H and so confused I don't know what to suggest when a WAS/MLCer pokes the LBS.

But I'll tell you that my brother today said that men are stupid and that they have to think they've lost you to realize what bad decisions they've made. You've done a superb job of GAL and maybe your H is getting the memo? Who knows.

Hugs lady!

[Matt165]

Hey GGG(G),
I really like Wonka's ideas about how to respond. I think you're right that the first couple texts were what he was feeling and then, when you didn't come back with "I'm so happy you still want me!" type responses he panicked and didn't want you to think HE cares at all what you are doing. The last text to me "Text me when you are safe..." sounds like he is annoyed that you are still out late and having so much fun you aren't bothering to read or respond to his texts.

With these MLCers it's ALWAYS all about them. What they want, how they feel, what they think is right or wrong...we aren't individual people to them anymore (us LBS's), they will treat us in ways, say things to us, that they would NEVER treat or say to others. Until GUBU starts to understand that you are a real person, you are who you are and not who he thinks you should be, nothing is going to change. The more you are just you, the less you respond the way he thinks you will, the more likely it will be that he will start to see you not the way he "remembers" (which we all know has nothing to do with reality) but for who you actually are right now. And that person, IMO, is a pretty darn good catch!

[GoatGal]

Thanks, Matt!
It is hard to know how to respond to this stuff, or even whether or not to respond at all!

Well, I took Wonka's advice and sent that exact text later last night.

He just responded. "Fine Night"

(As in "I'm FINE?" or "Fine..whatever..." who knows and who cares?)


So TODAY---I get this:

He sends an Instagram-edited pic of himself in his cycling clothes, guess he went for a ride this morning.
He hasn't sent me a pic of himself in years.

(Unless you count his private parts. That was nipped in the bud and no doubt annoyed him that I wouldn't play along. Come on... really?)

Anyhow, he looks awful in this one, about 100 years old, but I would never mention it. He probably knows, deep down.
Or maybe he really doesn't because he's seeing the world through his MLC goggles, and this is the same pic he's posting on his dating site!

I can only hope so. He's bound to catch a lot of quality ladies with that snapshot--NOT!!!

So then he sends: "Cold enough???? Forget last night 2 beers and Makers Mark (Bourbon)....bad cut and paste, etc. Off to graduation..."

(Yes, we will just pretend none of that ever happened. It was just the bourbon talking, and his elaborate texting style which entails lots of editing, cutting, pasting, and rewrites. On his little phone, of course. Riiiiiigggggghhhhhht. )

Then he sends: "Hey just let me know you're alive."


And I did--just said: "! was gathering firewood, cleaning up the damage from last night's storm, hope you have a great graduation ceremony, it's the one time of the year when you can really see the emotional rewards of your job and how much your work means to all those students who made it through..."

(Validate and move on. That's my motto. Stand back and let the other riders take a turn on the roller coaster. They make me sick, anyway.)


Him: "Thanks".

SSDD.


---(G)GGG

[Ggrass]

Sooo ggg the wonka text works.
Must file that one away for much later on.

[GoatGal]

Well, Ggrass,

"Works" is debatable!

I didn't make things worse. That's the important thing.
Today it's bugging me that he didn't apologize for being all weird.

Instead he says "Forget last night"... it was liquor... Just "forget" as if it happened all on its own.

Irritating.

I am so tired of this dance some days, days when I feel that even though he's making some progress, he's never going to be what I need.

I have grown so much and he is such a mess, still going down in his own flames.

It's still ALL ABOUT HIM.

I can't remember the last time he asked me if I needed anything, if I was okay, or did anything sweet for me. This is now a good several years and tonight I'm feeling lonely and fed up.

The last time I came right out and told him I was struggling, that I was breaking down physically, and he knew I had started all kinds of medications, his "solution" was for me to just LEAVE.

Gee...thanks. That's swell.

I am tired of doing all the work just to have him act ridiculous and childish, and then not even take responsibility for his actions.

Meh.

[beatrice]

GGG, at the risk of stating the blindingly obvious, if your h is in MLC he will not behave like a 'normal' person. And they can behave a LOT worse than GUBU.

MLC is all about them, it takes a lot of time. Some of them make no progress at all, some of them do not feel any responsibility for their partner/spouse at all.

I know it is horrible, and I know you want it to be over but he isn't actually doing it on purpose.

The line of personal responsibility and the genuine MLC is a very blurry one. Yes, we want to hold them accountable, but we also know that this crisis has been a long time coming and is probably the result of childhood issues that have never been dealt with.

It feels personal and actually it isn't. Every time we take it personally we are doing ourselves a disservice. You do not 'deserve' to be treated like this. You are right to want better, but this guy can't do that right now. His problems and issues.

[GoatGal]

Beatrice,

You're right, of course. And I am aware of his incapabilities. But on some level I am feeling like I've just had enough.

There is a fear that he will quit therapy (as he did the last time he went many moons ago, and even recently before this last go-round) that if he makes changes, they will not stick, that he is RIGHT. He has problems and they are insurmountable.

I mean, at this point, I'm pretty much asking for him to change core parts of his personality. How likely is that to happen?


To have him become affectionate, open, give up all his unhealthy coping mechanisms, learn to communicate like an adult, dump the passive-aggressive stuff, learn how to please me sexually, be more fun, have better self-esteem, learn how to cooperate on projects and plan ahead, how to respond to disagreement without feeling attacked, to enjoy life, to adore me, to be grateful for the life we share, to take responsibility for his actions, to have integrity, and to be someone I can learn from as well. To be someone I can admire and respect.

Yes, MLC took some of this from him, but this experience has pointed out a lot of things to me about our previous R that I was unaware of, mostly because he is very manipulative and hid things from me.

Now that I know a lot of those secrets, those will have to change too. That's an awful lot to ask of someone who at best is ambivalent about me as any kind of partner at all.

That's where I'm at.

The only thing I keep returning to is that he was the only man in my life that I ever considered marrying. That says something.

I am picky---there haven't even been many men I've wanted to date, not since I was in my 20's and fairly naive.

So that's the round pen I'm riding around in circles today.

---(G)GGG

[beatrice]

The only thing I keep returning to is that he was the only man in my life that I ever considered marrying. That says something.

I am picky---there haven't even been many men I've wanted to date, not since I was in my 20's and fairly naive.

So that's the round pen I'm riding around in circles today.

Oh believe me, I can relate to that.

On many many levels my xh and I were incredibly well suited. The differences (and this sounds arrogant) is that I was interested in sorting out my issues, and my xh wasn't. And still isn't.

Would I have stayed around? Probably, but in my case he took to the hills and has remained there. In some ways he did me a favour as I haven't had to face the decision of calling time.

But I still haven't really met anyone that I liked as much as the pre MLC husband, or who I got on with as well and laughed as much with. I was replaced very quickly with one person after another, which doesn't make anyone feel like someone special. But I like me, and fortunately I like living alone!

[job]

Bea,
I'm right there w/you. I heard and nodded at everything you posted. My xh did me a huge favor and the gift he gave me was getting my old self back and I truly love being on my own.

I've dated a few men, but in my neck of the woods, all they want is a mother, i.e., someone to cook, clean and take care of them. I raised one and I'm not about to do so again. LOL!