Don't know if I belong here....

[Okabe]

I've been thinking on my contributions to what I have done to sabotage our marriage and it is hard for me to come up with a detailed list. The W and I have had a low conflict relationship for so long (which I am sure is part of the problem) it is hard for me to come up with detailed answers. This is what I know so far.

Our intimacy dance: I come from a family where affection was hus not shown in hugs, cuddling, etc. I like this kind of affection, but can be very absent minded about it. So often I will get caught up in other activities and seem pretty distant. She will also retreat off to her own corner (often online gaming) and when I am thinking "some affection or time together would be nice" I see her at the computer and end up not approaching her. I will end up going to bed early (I work early hours) and she doesn't come to bed until late. A poor dynamic and when you add that I want sexual intimacy on top of that, she then feels upset for me wanting her to be ready to go without being close before hand. I see my part in this without a doubt. What am I doing about it now? Currently nothing since I am trying to detach.

I tend to be a "fixer" or "placater". If there is something that needs to be done, h

[Okabe]

I take care of it. I end up doing too much. And while I am often fine doing a lot if I am not appreciated for it I get bothered. Here I need to stop doing so much for her. She is an adult and I need to start standing up for myself.

I have also noticed how much I depends on her for my own esteem needs and have waited on her to do things that wanted to do. This is where detaching and GAL will help.

[Okabe]

I have been working on detaching this weekend and its been weird. I stopped the hugs and kisses and snuggling up to her at night. I have stopped telling her "I love you" which has been hard as it was such a part of our daily routine. I am sure she has noticed, but has not said anything. What does one do if she asks why you stopped?

[sandi2]

I am sure she has noticed, but has not said anything. What does one do if she asks why you stopped?

I doubt she will, but if so.....say something like...

"I don't want to put any pressure on you. You seem to be a little uncomfortable with it."

It doesn't need to go into a R talk. Just give a short, clear answer and leave it there.

[Okabe]

The weekend has gone mostly well. I ended up being able to speak with my best friend about what was happening between my S and I. He was/ is very supportive and isn't going to take sides, but will be there for me if I need to talk.
I have been reading about the 5 love languages and read a bunch more of DR.
I worked on making sure I backed off and worked on detaching. No hugs, kisses, or "I love yous". It has been weird and I'm sure she has noticed. The only physical affection has been me putting my hand on her shoulder while talking to her (I was standing up and she was sitting) and a quick squeeze of her hand when she came to bed.
Our conversations have been fine. She is most talkative when speaking about her school/ classes shes taking. Otherwise she doesn't have a lot to say. So I am kind and encouraging when talking with her about school.
I have more exercises from the books to do and more GAL.

[Okabe]

A funny thought occurred to me this morning as I got ready for work.
In regards to detachment what does one do?
I leave for work between 3:30 and 4:00 in the morning when everyone is still asleep. As a parting ritual I always go to my boys doors, tell them I love them, wish them a good day, and that I'll see them later. I also do this for my S, except I change the pattern and blow a kiss. I do this every day I work.
In regards to detachment, should I stop doing this for my S? I know she's asleep, so she doesn't hear it (at least consciously), but as I understand detachment it is more for me creating my own emotional/ mental boundaries and perhaps I should stop for myself. Or does it matter either way?
Just a thought.

[SunnyB]

I also do this for my S, except I change the pattern and blow a kiss. I do this every day I work.
In regards to detachment, should I stop doing this for my S? I know she's asleep, so she doesn't hear it (at least consciously),

Okabe, I'm not sure it matters. If she doesn't know it, then it's not for her anyway. I also get up before H on all school/work days, he's still asleep when I get up. Up until recently, I kissed him on the shoulder every day before I got out of bed. I stopped recently because that's where I was. He didn't know either way.

[Okabe]

Rppfl,
Thank you. I am just trying to get a handle on detaching and wasn't sure if that would be counter-productive for me emotionally.

[MrBond]

You've been together for 27 years. There must have been conflict. What did the two of you fight about? If we were to ask her what issues you had, what would she say?

[Okabe]

We were a very low conflict couple.
Our most consistent fights were around sexual intimacy and affection. I often wanted sex but neglected being as affectionate as she needed me to be. I would talk with her about my needs but was fairly dense about being in tune with hers.
Like I've stated earlier. I tend to placate. I do most of the housework, cooking, bill paying, I work and she was a stay at home mom for the last 11 years. I take on more work in order to get things done rather than fight about it and as long as it was appreciated I was fine.
As I write I remember that she would get mad when she thought I valued others opinions more than hers (that I wasn't hearing her). I sometimes would respond to a friends feedback as if it was new when she had told me the same thing.
I would guess a pattern of not listening well is there.
I also didn't fight with her like an adult. I took care of too much even when she was perfectly capable of doing something.
Does that make sense? Like I said: we rarely fought. Perhaps that was a bad thing.