I'm not exactly the picture of stability right now although I do relate to not trusting yourself. I always believe that at our "core" we really do "know" the answers although there is so much junk in life that it's easy to not tune in. Hang in there. You will get refocused and centered. What would Dave Grohl think? Yay. There ya go.
Xo:-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 11/16/1410:51 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Shining - I think I get it...it IS an awful lot to process at once. Not surprised you're a bit worn out from it all! Remember - you're only given what you're able to handle at any one time. And you're handling the current challenges pretty darn well! One day at a time...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
S, I know with all that’s happened to you, that you are feeling as if what you knew to be true wasn’t. And that you are doubting yourself. This isn’t how it was supposed to go. You felt you learned from your first marriage and this wouldn’t happen.
The truth is that we don’t really know what life has in store. There are no guarantees and we have no control of how others will act.
So, we begin to doubt ourselves. We start to feel we cant trust our instincts.
But learning to trust ourselves again is crucial to our wellbeing. It’s why we have to get strong and confident. When we do, we realize that when life throws us curves, we know we will be ok.
It’s a choice to either believe in yourself or allow yourself to be sucked into feelings of self-doubt. It’s easy to get lost in self-doubt when we forget to take care of our own needs.
The person you need to trust first is yourself. No one can be as supportive of you as you can learn to be. Trusting yourself means that you can take care of your needs and safety. It means you trust yourself to survive situations and do the best you can. It means you refuse to give up on yourself and you stay true to who you are.
I know there is a part of us that feels inadequate after having gone through something like this, and so we have a very difficult time believing that we know enough or are competent enough to be trusted.
I think we get disappointed in ourselves that we didn’t see this coming and we should have.
I think for you, having your xh say all those things, really unsettled you. It made you questions things. And it brought back all those feelings of you allowing him to do what he did. You have to forgive yourself that, S. You got out when you could.
I say this to myself sometimes. “I forgive myself for letting myself down. I learn and grow with each disappoint and understand I cannot control the actions of others.”
Gg, it sounds like we have very similar H, don't we?
GB, my new friend Dave Grohl is like, "Shining, you're my hero." And then he goes into the song "Hero" and then I cry, because he knows how much that song means to me, and then Dave stops playing for a minute to comfort me, and he's like, "Shining, I didn't mean to make you cry" and I'm like, "I know, it's ok. Just keep hugging". And so he does.
LiveNow, I appreciate your kind words. I hate thinking about all that has happened, because it's overwhelming all at once. But, yeah, I'm doing ok, considering it all.
uR, how is it you're so inside my head? Your posts move me. And you described exactly what I'm feeling.
Going to see H last week didn't serve me well. I know why I needed to.
Yes, I have felt really unsettled since xh talk. It is still processing. As the conversation was first sinking in, and the emotions came up, I felt confused and lost. Insecure. I reached out for something familiar....the one person I want to be able to reach out to....my H. Yet, he is not familiar anymore. That guy is gone. I mean, waaaayyyyy gone. And that hurts.
The seeing it coming? Yep. A part of me still blames me.
Forgiving myself??? *****sigh.*****
~~~~~~~~Cue the kicking and screaming.~~~~~~~~
I'm going to keep your quote in my pocket. In my phone. It's what I have to do, for sure.
Xh1 sat at my kitchen table and said I'm sorry you broke up. He tryed and for him it was a huge a$re step to be comforting. I wanted to scream and kick and say... Wtf you choose now. You've had over 20years and you choose today of all days.
I know really know he was just waiting for the day, in case he had a chance. I feel it, and no chance. No how.
He then thought it might have been nice to go to his sisters funeral as a family. I couldn't stand the thought of him in the car all that way. It was hard enough sobbing with him along side and me thinking he was going to hug me! My skin crawled.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Shining, Just caught up on your sitch ... Ts'd had me read a portion on some homework ... then as my addictive personality commands ... I was captivated by your story and the journey you have been on. Similar to mine .. however reading yours I realized ... I have lost a chunk of my sense of humor .. something I thought I would be buried with.
I like you do not do well currently when I see W, something about it .. like all my feelings are still there, sometimes more intensive than others, and just like you touched on .. the cycle .. theirs and ours .. its brutal. Just when I am PMA high and feeling good, somehow I get sucked into the MLC tornado and am left dazed and confused.
Anyways .... no wisdom from me to add .. just observations .. you have this. You are a very strong person, hang in there.... you got this.
Cali, thank you for stopping by. (And for recognizing my humor).
Addictive personality? Ooohhh, yesssss.... Me too.
I never became addicted to drugs or alcohol. My dad was an alcoholic, and told me early on that I would have those tendencies. I thought I beat addiction, since I didn't do those things. Ha!
A---nope.
I was addicted to my H. Codependent. I think that's a huge part of my problem seeing him now. I get sucked in so easily, because I'm still madly in love with him. I miss our old life. I know that's gone. I do. I can't imagine going back. I see that's impossible.
But, yeah....it messes me up. It's not good for me. It distracts me from what I need to do.
^^^^^^^^^^ sounds like a drug, huh? ^^^^^^^^
Thank you for saying I'm strong. Some days I feel it. Others.....meh.
I'm glad T has you doing some work. I hope it's going well for you. Tough chit, that was....
That T is one smart, bacon-lovin', relentlessly stubborn, gonna make you accountable in a 2x4-love-tap-kinda-way guy. (She said, hiding like a big chicken, smiling innocently behind uR.....).
I ain't nothing compared to "some" people, I'm fluffy bunny, usually ... I hope your quads and hams recover from hiding behind UR, that's gotta be a workout!!! (Yes I know I'm gonna get it, UR knows all sides of me, but nothing ventured, nothing fun...she can handle it, of this I'm sure)
Call on your current, and pre-loss selves, together they will get you to where you need to be.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Shining your XH was generous to try to explain his thinking during those tough years. It was brave but it is also an explanation arrived after many years of learning and growing and accepting his actions. It is his perception of what he was thinking at that time but neither of you can say his perception is any more accurate than your perception was at the time.
Bottom line is that you should trust yourself. We do the best with what we know at the time.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
