_________________________ M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 No D filed
"Faced with inevitable change, the choice was mine. I could fight until my spirit was weary, or I could release all resistance, and create something new in my changed world."
-Dean Jackson
I did not ask for this. I don't know anyone on the boards that did.
But, what matters now, is what I will do with what I have today. Right now.
My life isn't what I thought it would be.
I wonder how many people, at the end of their lives...people in their 80's, and 90's.... How many would say, "Yep. My life was exactly as I thought it would be. Everything I planned happened just as I planned."
Probably none.
So, what do I have?
Time to take inventory. Time to list what I have, what I want, what I will keep, what I want to get rid of....
Designing this life is going to get fun very soon. I have NO idea what it's go a look like.... I do know it's beautiful.
Good things are coming....I can feel it. Good, good things.
What a beautiful quote Shining! And it speaks to me deeply- my spirit is very weary and so I have surrendered the situation to God and whatever will be. Time to focus on us!
I'm so glad you are feeling better- those ruts are hard but it sounds like you moved through it quickly. That's progress.
Can't wait to hear about what beautiful things are coming up for you!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
There really is no way around it. Things change, life changes. Our dreams have to be modified.
And while this is not at all what you wanted, it is what you have. And there are two ways to deal with it. We can continue to look over our shoulder of what should have been, or we can begin to look forward to what can be.
It is a different life than you planned, but, it doesnt have to be a sad one.
Life is what it is. The beauty and the pain.
The trick is to accept all of it. In so doing, we get to experience all depths of emotions.
That is what makes us who we are. It is what makes the laughter and love so sweet and it keeps our memories alive.
You have so many wonderful things in your life - children, family, friends, a good job.
You are an amazing woman and mother. You are strong and smart and capable.
And I have no doubt that you will get through this next part with your strength, your sense of humor and your willinness to look inside.
Awesome quote Shining. I, also, really needed to hear that today. You are a wonderful example of how to deal with all this MLC stuff with dignity and grace. Looking forward to the wonderful things yet to come for you!
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
I don't even know where to begin with this next post....
IT'S LONG, I KNOW.....BEAR WITH ME....ITS A DOOZY.
As I was talking to a friend, I wondered if there is a legal limit on "plot twists" that one may have in a calendar year. If so, I am certainly maxed out.
I had a lot to process in the last few days.
Recap: Last week, H wanted a booty call, bought me a rape whistle, and got a vasectomy. All within one week. (A show of hands for everyone else that happened to? Lol.) My S18 shipped out, I won't see him until Christmas Xh was in town for 2 nights seeing S18 off.
Sunday, I received a gift I never imagined.
Resolution. Peace. It happened.
For those of you saying this: NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS. NEVER.
I was there once. I'm not anymore.
A little background:
My current H is the MLCer I write about. We have no kids together.
My xh, or H#1, is the father of my 4 kids. He was a mental terrorist. Diagnosed NPD. Controlling. Abusive. Angry. Fascination with assault weapons. Abandonment issues. He was not a good man. It was not a good marriage. We had 3 different marriage counselors over a 15 year span. Ultimately, I left. It took 3 years for me to plan and get myself as ready as I could. The fear in my kids was enough motivation for me to risk all I had just to get us out. My D went to trial. Yep. Trial. Witnesses, evidence, THAT kind of trial. All because xh contested everything. He told the mediators, child advocates, and the judge, that the kids should never see me, their mother.
We had an in-house separation, because the judge refused to issue temporary orders. She told us that 2 intelligent upper middle class adults should be able to come to an agreement. I had been removed from our bank account, which was his prior to the M, and completely cut-off financially. I had a job, but my income was not enough to sustain myself and my 4 kids without any temporary child support. I would not leave the kids. So I lived in the basement for about 2 years.
During that time, I developed an anxiety disorder, I didn't eat or sleep, my hair was falling out, I had eczema for the first time in my life, I temporarily lost hearing in my left ear, and I had 3 systemic infections at the same time.
There were many things that happened during that time that were terrifying, but I won't go into them now.
Once the trial ended, I knew the judge had 90 days to rule. I could go I to debt for 90 days. So I rented a townhouse in he school district, talked to the schools, and planned my exit while xh was at work. I picked up the kids, and surprised them with the new digs. They jumped up and down and literally cheered. I'll never forget that moment of freedom.
The judge found out, and then issued temporary orders for custody. But still no child support. It was the most difficult time I've ever endured.
I was awarded sole custody after a 2 1/2 year battle. If I ever hated anyone, it was xh.
Over time, and by choice, I let go of the anger. The kids and I had years of counseling, moved out of state, and I never bashed him to the kids.
Fast forward 7-8 years.
About one year ago, maybe more, xh (I'll call him JR) started having noticeable changes in his speech patterns, format of sentences in texts, using empathy words...etc. kids and I were confused for a long time. Actually shook our heads about some of it because it was so unlike him. After my S with current H, JR was surprisingly compassionate and understanding. Old JR would have said we all deserved it.
JR and I spent quite a bit of time with the kids this weekend. I drove him back to his hotel at 9:00pm Sunday night, and we sat in the car and talked for 3 hours.
We started by talking about S18 leaving, other S18 (twin) moving to another state in one month, and had some conversations that gave JR the opportunity to show me how his perspective has changed. There were several times throughout he talk that he did this.
Then the topic shifted onto our 15 year marriage, and why it ended.
JR apologized for everything. Also went into detail. He acknowledged it all.
He told me he woke up.
We talked about current H a little. It was mainly how H crisis effects the kids and me. JR said he is sorry the kids and I have to deal with all of this. I didn't share too much about H, but JR has known about the depression, suicide attempt, and the dynamics in the house before and after S.
I made the comment that I didn't understand how someone can want to be "not married" to me, yet reach out for the strangest reasons. Making demands, or sharing medical info.
JR said, "I am only speculating, but if I may? I think I know why, Shining. And I know, because I did that. I did all of those things to you."
My jaw dropped.
I asked JR what he meant. He said he gets it, why H does what he does. JR said he used to push me away, and then reach out, even if it was to attack me, just so I would respond. Then he could tell himself, "Ok, yep, she's still there." Even if he pi$$ed me off, he needed to know whether I would respond. Then it was ok in his mind. JR said he completely relates to H in that.
I felt it was a good time to finally ask the questions I've been wondering. And I did.
I asked him what changed, why did his perspective change, how did he look inward, and what did he learn recently.
He told me about how he was during our marriage, "I wanted to control everything. Every single thing around me. I had to make it exactly as I wanted it. If it wasn't how I thought it should be, I became angry. I would go into rage at whatever I believed was keeping that 'thing', whatever it was, from being the way I wanted it to be."
He also said, "I was so afraid of being alone, or being abandoned, that I literally held onto all the things in my life so tightly, I ended up suffocating them all. And that gave me the exact opposite result of what I wanted. Any person, gripped that hard, will just want to free themselves and get away. I did that to you, and I did that to the kids."
JR admitted he used to blame me for everything. And admits his thinking was "so wrong" back then. He said he tore me down on purpose because he couldn't let anything be his fault. All he wanted to do was to continue proving to himself and everyone else, that he was right, and I was wrong. He admitted he created stories and scenarios where he could set me up. He did this to help support his "evidence".
JR said the best thing the kids and I could have done, was move across the country. He sees the kids are thriving here, and how proud he is of me for taking such good care of them. Woah. He said because I was so strong, the kids turned their lives around. That he knows I got them away from him so they could heal. And it forced him to look at things differently.
He realizes now, that he was always trying to fix the wrong things. Meaning, everything around him, on the outside. Circumstances, situations, people, cause and effect, perceptions.... He would argue, persuade, lie, whatever it took to try to control.
He said he learned this: 100% of his emotional reactions to any given event, are 100% predetermined. His emotions are what they are, and that's how he is wired. That will not change.
BUT.... 100% of his behavioral responses to the emotions are his choice. He can CHOOSE to acknowledge his emotions, and sort through fact vs perception, and base his response accordingly.
JR used the example of being at a grocery store, and the scenario of someone happening to come up behind him, and simply "bump" him. He said his first instinct based on emotions, is to perceive that as a threat, turn around, put that person into a choke-hold, and take them to the ground. Yes, he actually said that.
What he has learned, is to pause when he feels certain things, and categorize the feeling before reacting. Then consciously decide how to reasonably respond. He said it is a daily struggle and effort to stop himself and choose differently. And the feeling never goes away completely.
People at his work have asked him why he's so different now. They commented that his old reactions to certain things, would have been so different, and they noticed he doesn't do that old stuff anymore.
He told them he finally grew up. He laughed in an uncomfortable, humble-ish manner as he said this to me.
I asked him "What made you look differently now than you did before? What changed?"
He answered me with one word, "Attrition". He said it was a gradual peeling away, a diminishing of his "righteousness". Watching other people, and how they were able to deal with the same stressors. Why was he not ok, and others were? What did they know? He said he got tired of waking up day after day, and hating everything. Especially himself.
I asked if he learned this on his own, or books, groups, therapy? He said he went to 3 different counselors asking them "I want to know what's wrong with me and what I need to do to fix it. Test me, and just give me the data."
He said each therapist looked at him like, "Oh, another one of you....great."
Then he met a counselor at his church who pretty much laughed in his face. He said that trying to "fix" what's wrong with him in that way, a is like disarming an Army tank by going through the barrel. Only one way that's gonna go, and it ain't good. The process is far more slow and complex.
First, you would have to climb the tank. Figure out how to lift the door and get inside. Then there are all the buttons and switches, and you have to figure out which one does what. And every tank is different.
Other things he mentioned....
He told me about the old days with us, and that sometimes when he was angry and attacking me, he was really yelling at his mom.
He said his church counselor asked him "What's the one thing every single one of your failed relationships all have in common? You."
He said he absolutely can not believe, when he looks back at all the things he did, that it was him. That he really did all those things. He said it was like looking at another guy doing them, not him.
I kind of tested him at one point, to see if he was just throwing himself under the bus. I asked if he thought the failure of our marriage was all his fault? He said, "I am 100% responsible for what I did. And for my part in the marriage. I can only speak for me." He didn't say it was all his fault, which made it more valid.
I apologized for my part, and that I wasn't the wife he needed. He said, "You don't understand, Shining. No one could have been the wife I thought I needed. Not one person could. Because it's not humanly possible. Don't you get it?" He said there was nothing I could have done to change him. That it wasn't me. He had to fix himself inside.
That's when I completely lost it and broke down crying.
He repeated several times, that the kids would not have done well in the state we moved from, had they stayed.
He said he owes it all to me. How strong I am. That I am a great mother and a great role model. He said he doesn't mean to sound condescending, but he is proud of me. That it makes him happy to see "the empowered and brilliant woman you have become." Those were his words...
He then lightened the mood, and said if H crisis is anything like his was, to "Give him about 3 years, and he'll figure it all out the hard way like I did." Laughing with embarrassment as he said it.
I'm still a bit numb. Shaking my head. Never. Not in a million years.
.