Mozza (2)

[Mozza]

Ha! Friends of my parents I haven't seen in years just dropped by, unannounced. The woman says what crosses her mind and while I was speaking to her, she interrupted me to say: "You are really good-looking." I said "Thanks for the compliment, I take them all these days!" and she replied "It's not a compliment, just an observation." It's not something I hear often, by the way.

They were gone 45 minutes after they arrived. Did any of you send them my way? ;-)

[sandi2]

English is not our native language. We speak our native tongue together and some of our emails are in English.

Okay, thanks for telling me. According to what another poster told me, things can sound somewhat different in translation. Although your English is excellent, perhaps there is misinterpretation in thoroughly understanding on each side.

The way you say something to her in your native language may sound somewhat different when translated in English? IDK. But I will keep that in mind.

[sandi2]

By the way, sandi2, what did you think of my clarifications on the boundaries. Is it about controlling her?

I appreciate your clarifications. It appears to me that you may not fully grasp the concept that you cannot create boundaries to control her actions and whip her into doing things your way.

Think about a physical fence you would have around your house. This fence is a symbol to others that it is a boundary. Unless invited, they must stay off the property. It protects your home and family. You may not control an intruder, but you can take action if they do not respect that boundary. You will not tolerate anyone breaking into your home.

In personal boundaries, we have our dignity and well-being to consider. We want respect and will not tolerate mistreatment from others. We can't control what they do. The only action we can control is our own. Through our actions, we teach them how they can or can't treat us. Maybe they will care.....maybe they won't care. The point is to protect our own self, family, property, etc.

My question to you is what will be your action to these things you listed if she chooses not to honor your boundaries?

If she says, "No, I won't let the son have lunch with you during my week with them", how does this violate a personal boundary? What action would you take? Unless you can say how it violates your boundary, then it's simply your personal disapproval of her actions.

[labug]

Good points^^^

[Mozza]

By the way, sandi2, what did you think of my clarifications on the boundaries. Is it about controlling her?

I appreciate your clarifications. It appears to me that you may not fully grasp the concept that you cannot create boundaries to control her actions and whip her into doing things your way.

Thanks a lot. I think I understand better, but I admit I'm puzzled about what I'm supposed to accept. It seems like she can impose many joint decisions, such as kids schedule. Perhaps I'm just referring to the wrong concept for certain things.

My question to you is what will be your action to these things you listed if she chooses not to honor your boundaries? If she says, "No, I won't let the son have lunch with you during my week with them", how does this violate a personal boundary? What action would you take? Unless you can say how it violates your boundary, then it's simply your personal disapproval of her actions.

Boundary-setting:
- Finding alternative parking for stroller. She snoops on me twice a day when dropping it off (and there's some cake-eating in preserving access to 'our' place). It violates my desire for privacy at my home. I guess I could lock my backyard door, but I can't imagine we'd get there.
- Returning the rest of her stuff left in my apartment. She uses my apt as a storage space and having her control when she gets what is affecting me (I cry (alone!) almost every time she asks for something). What would I do if she refused? It's hard to imagine she would turn it down. I could leave it on the sidewalk, but again our separation is not so acrimonious.

Not boundary-setting?
- Insisting to have D6-D3 for dinner on Mondays. Early on, we made a quick arrangement that we'd split the kids 50/50 on a weekly basis. I was later counseled that 7 days is a long time for D3, so I tried to get ad hoc permissions for Monday dinners. She said no last time. I want to discuss a rearrangement of the schedule to get this lunch on the official schedule. If she says no, then I'll have to accept it despite the theoretical impact on D3. I would request it in some divorce settlement though.
- Sticking to the godmother we chose together for D6. The present godmother is just fine and the proposed one is not a stable presence in my W's life, just a strong supporter (enabler) right now, after years of falling out. She's also not a model I approve of, despite many qualities. If my wife goes ahead anyway, my action would be not to inform the current godmother that she's lost the title.

Do the DB principles mean that she can control the kids schedule and godmothership at will? It seems normal that I let her have full control of herself, but that I have a say on the kids. I'm sorry I haven't gotten to that point in DR yet. I'm sure it will become clearer then.

[Mozza]

Actually, I've another example. D6 is invited to a 3-day camp this Spring with her class. We need to respond now. I wrote on the invitation that I was okay with it and sent it to my W with the weekly suitcase. She returned it to me with a note saying she wasn't okay with it, nor D6, and she had responded.

If we disagree on child issues, does she get to make the final decision?

[sandi2]

Do the DB principles mean that she can control the kids schedule and godmothership at will?

When it comes to these types of things and if the two of you cannot reach an agreement, then you may have to take it through the legal system.

But make sure you at least try to discuss it with her first.

[Maybell]

Did you say you were ok with it or did you say that you really wanted her to participate? To me, if you say "I'm OK with this" it means you don't have a strong vote. Also if your D6 doesn't want to participate, does her vote matter? In my house a camp is an optional expense so if the kids don't want to go I don't force the issue.

As for how to resolve disagreements on childcare issues, I would think it would be the parent with primary custody. But if you aren't satisfied with how it's going, you can ask to clarify, or suggest co-parenting couseling.

[Maybell]

Success stories... are you looking for long-term reconciliations or people in piecing? Crimson is piecing now, and that's the forum where you'll find him.

T0324 is piecing, she is on Newcomers.
Thornton was on Newcomers but isn't around anymore.

[Mozza]

Thanks a lot sandi2 and Maybell. I appreciate your help.

I should clarify that we never had extensive "arrangement" talks with my W, other than the 50-50. It was "I'm moving out. Guess I'll pick up my stuff and we'll share the kids 50-50." Then she was out. No parent has "primary custody" (unless it happens by default in the law and I'm not aware of it). There are no papers, no talks of divorce. Just two parents living separately and cordially agreeing. So she's not doing anything against an arrangement, she's just making unilateral decisions when we don't have an agreement. I'm asking if I'm supposed to let it all slip or ask her to discuss when we disagree about the kids. It seems only logical to me that we discuss, but I understand that it's considered as unwarranted "control of her" around here. Since the DB method is often counter-intuitive, I'm think I might not understand something or perhaps losing sight of my goal.