My Wife Filed Today

[Jefe]

Oh, how fun.

It amazes the truly fun, family, spirit building things the WAS's miss out on.

[FunDad]

I hope everyone else had as much fun last night with their kids as I did. I got to play in a band with my oldest son to people coming and going and we had a blast. I've wanted to do that for years with him. My MIL came by and took my kids around for trick or treating. I really love my MIL and she's been a great support through this. She's just as torn up as I am about the D, and I'm so glad I have a great relationship with her. WAW decided to leave for a weeks vacation last weekend w/out telling me or some of our kids. That was really disappointing, but luckily she lined up some good child care and it was really no big deal.

Glad we get an extra hour of sleep tomorrow because that wore me out, in a good way. :-)

FD

[Hope414]

Hi FunDad.

I notice you are very indirect. So, I am going to ask a blunt question and I want a very blunt answer.

Do you want a divorce? Yes or no. Very simple question.

I don’t want to hear about all your wife’s issues. I don’t want to hear how your response is contingent upon "changes" you wife makes. Or how "you wanted to be married but don't know anymore."

I don’t want to hear anything more about all the failings of your wife and how much you have suffered because of her.

Yes or no: Do you want to stay married to your wife—as she is right now. Without any changes on her part.

You keep her as she is. Like this forever.

Yes or no?

[FunDad]

Wow, Hope, that is very direct. Thank you for putting me on the spot.

Yes, I do want to stay married.

What we had before is dead however. I know what my primary failure was: Not being the leader our home needed, and letting her overwhelm herself. Once she started making decisions for the family, I gave up my role and became just a big child in her eyes to manage. Totally unsexy and just a distraction for her. If men don't perform our role, we force our wives to, and then eventually the leave because they don't need us.

If I could make changes on my part and reset the clock back a year, our situation would be salvageable with no changes required from her, other than getting accustomed to me leading more.

FD

[Hope414]

I want you to pay attention to what you just did.

I asked a very direct question:

"Yes or no: Do you want to stay married to your wife—as she is right now. Without any changes on her part."

And you...took a shot...at her.

First, you responded as if you were 100% responsible for the problems in your marriage:

"I know what my primary failure was: Not being the leader our home needed"

But then you took the shot:

"..and letting her overwhelm herself. Once she started making decisions for the family, I gave up my role and became just a big child in her eyes to manage."

May I translate?

I could have been the leader in our home if she wouldn’t have been so overbearing.

But, once I perceived she was taking over…She made all the decisions and it became easier to acquiesce than be partners. Since I made her MY parent, I was free to grudge hold, sulk and pout when I didn’t like her decisions.

Okay, it wasn’t sexy but it was my comfort zone. If I could reset the clock back a year I wouldn’t ask her to make any changes. Well…okay…maybe…one change. She would have to back off and allow me to lead.

So if I could reset the clock…I would demand that she trust me 100% to make all the decisions. Then I COULD be the parent and SHE would have to do everything I SAY.

You…are…very…passive/aggressive.

Do you want to save your marriage?

If so, let’s start with changing your attitude about your wife. She is your partner...not your parent.

I have been following your posts and I'll be blunt. You are pretty mean when you speak about your wife.

I can give you one glaring problem right now:

If you ever want to reconcile with your wife...stop blaming her for "forcing you" to adopt your children. It is reprehensible. If you didn't want to adopt your children--then you should have said something. If you want to know what kind of husband you were--go back and read your post on the adoption.

Shame on you. You are like the man blaming his wife for getting pregnant because he didn't wear a condom.

I do not know what your wife's issues are but any man who blames his wife for adoption...

Wow.

Adoption.

Not accidental pregnancy--Adoption.

Stop acting like a grudge-holding teenager waiting for someone to punish her for mistreating you.

You want to go back a year and reset the clock? Tonight is daylight savings time.

Reset it tonight.

You can start by taking an honest inventory of who you really were in your marriage. Not who your wife was...but who you were.

I have a feeling people give you a pass because you are a "nice guy" and your wife sounds pretty headstrong. Nothing wrong with being a "nice guy" unless you use it as a weapon against your spouse.

And the way you use the "nice guy" persona as a weapon is sighing or shrugging helplessly as your spouse "bulldozes" past you...making people "feel sorry" for you. If your spouse has become the "bulldozer" in the relationship it is for one of two reasons:

(1) This is a role that both of you believe your spouse is best suited to fill in the relationship; or,
(2) This is a role you abdicated to your spouse because you didn't want it.

[Hope414]

I would also like to give you insight into your wife because I don’t want you to be sucker punched.

It sounds as if you are married to a very "strong" woman. By your own admission you are not a “take-charge” kind of man.

I know a popular theme on this web site is divorced people remarry. But I want to give you insight into something I have never seen in my 20 years of practice:

I have never seen a “strong woman” remarry a man she perceived as “weak.”

By the time it gets to divorce a “strong woman” is completely overwhelmed by the perceived “weakness” of her spouse. And the “weakness” is a barrier which can never be overcome…even if the man “grows strong.” She will argue if he would have become stronger earlier he could have saved the marriage it is “too little—too late.”

Therefore, if you believe you and your wife might reconcile if you divorce I strongly beseech you to reconsider your strategy. Statistics are not in your favor. If your wife is a “strong” woman and she perceives you as someone who does not “take charge” if you divorce, I can almost give you a 100% guarantee she will never remarry you.

I know this is harsh but you are fighting a time clock.

[FunDad]

Hope, I hear you. I have thought about this often. That's why I'm telling you that I should have been a better leader for my family. That's completely on me. You are also correct that I have placed that blame on my W, and it's not helped our R at all. Also, on me.

I plan on discussing your observation(s) more with my pastor next week. I think I really need to dig in here, because this part of me needs to be fixed. Thanks for helping me see it more clearly.

FD

[Hope414]

Accepting responsibility isn't your problem. I think you readily accept responsibility for everything...whether you are guilty or not.

And that is the problem.

I think a lot of time you accept responsibility when you don't believe you did anything wrong.

I think you honestly believe the "real problem" in your marriage is your wife. And if your wife could do things your way or see why you are a good leader you both would have a happy marriage.

I don't think you trust her problem-solving skills. You don't like the way she handles relationships. You believe she has a short fuse and a critical spirit.

I don't think you see marriage as a team. A partnership.

You need to recognize this is not about you "being a better leader" for your family. It's about you both becoming a team. It's about realizing you both bring strengths to the marriage and you can draw from those strengths.

Stop trying to lead. You don't know what this means. Besides, she won't let you. She moved out and filed divorce papers.

Take a baby step and begin by being a non-judgmental and loving spouse.

[FunDad]

I actually have been doing the non-judgmental baby step. She took off and left town. Just got done texting her and let her know I'm glad she had a good time. Old me would have made some drama about it, I did not (one of my 180s). She sent me some pics and I'm glad she got a break. Still I'll ask her at some point to let me know next time before she leaves the state.

Thanks for your insight.

[Bobby D]

Hope414,

Your observations are a real eye opener, when I read about Fundad I see alot of myself. The critical eye you have cast over this situation has been extremely helpful for me. Its sometimes so hard to see our own reality.

Fundad please read over Hope414s message and make notes about what has been written, I have and I believe its the best help offered to you so far.