Mozza, Nettles is right. You have the kids tonight. This is probably the most fun day for the kids in the year. Make it special. Enjoy them.
Sorry little off topic. Do you and your W rotate 1 week her and 1 week you with the kids. How does it work for you? That is what I want with the kids but W does not think it is good for the kids.
M:35 W 31 D's:6, 4 & 2 T:9 M:7 ILYBNILWY- Mar/14 DP Served Dec.17/14
As D6 recounted their week with mom, she more or less confirmed that there's an OM.
The colleague whom I suspected because he was so helpful throughout the move has spent four days there and D6 said that he was even there one morning when she got up (though she said he doesn't sleep in mommy's bed -- yes, I asked...). The chances that he's just a friend seem pretty slim to me, especially knowing that my W told me way back when that she might have a fling with him since he's good looking. I did the whole trick or treating thing with the kids, at a friends place. A good time was had by all, except me who was sometimes crying behind my mask.
As much as I had anticipated it, it was a rough moment to get this kind of confirmation. I was crushed. It was likely my ego, but it seems a very human failing to hope that your wife won't sleep with someone else, even after a fresh separation. I can't help it. I can't reason it tonight. I know I shouldn't focus on her, I know I should think of myself, I know. But give me at least a day to absorb the "confirmation"...
Now, where does that leave the DB-ing? I guess it doesn't change a thing since it shouldn't be about her. Perhaps it's a good scenario that she has a quick fling after the separation and hit reality (what, he's also imperfect?!) sooner than later. And in any case, I need to work on myself. But... it hurts.
Last edited by Mozza; 11/01/1403:42 AM.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
zed: Yes, we split the kids one week at a time. I was advised to have the kids over for a dinner in the middle of the other parent's week because 7 days is a long time for kids under 4 years old.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
As D6 recounted their week with mom, she more or less confirmed that there's an OM.
The colleague whom I suspected because he was so helpful throughout the move has spent four days there and D6 said that he was even there one morning when she got up (though she said he doesn't sleep in mommy's bed -- yes, I asked...). The chances that he's just a friend seem pretty slim to me, especially knowing that my W told me way back when that she might have a fling with him since he's good looking. I did the whole trick or treating thing with the kids, at a friends place. A good time was had by all, except me who was sometimes crying behind my mask.
As much as I had anticipated it, it was a rough moment to get this kind of confirmation. I was crushed. It was likely my ego, but it seems a very human failing to hope that your wife won't sleep with someone else, even after a fresh separation. I can't help it. I can't reason it tonight. I know I shouldn't focus on her, I know I should think of myself, I know. But give me at least a day to absorb the "confirmation"...
Now, where does that leave the DB-ing? I guess it doesn't change a thing since it shouldn't be about her. Perhaps it's a good scenario that she has a quick fling after the separation and hit reality (what, he's also imperfect?!) sooner than later. And in any case, I need to work on myself. But... it hurts.
Hi, I came to check out your story because of a post you wrote on another thread.
Hate to start with a 2X but, never involve your child in gathering info on her mother. It's those kinds of things that make D he!! for kids, parents using the kids. Be her shining light in all of this. Yo can do it.
About finding out W is most likely sleeping with someone else, think about this, she might have been from the beginning of the S or before. Does that change your stand on the M? I know initially it's a blow to the ego but once you get past that, see how you feel.
Leave her to her path right now, you have stuff you can work on. Right?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I agree with Bug, Mozza. As a grandparent of children in the middle of D, I know it is difficult to keep your mouth closed.....but you can do it. And don't think for a minute it won't get back to W that you've been asking D6 questions.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Mozza. Sorry you had that news from D6. Your ego is normal don't put yourself down for it. How you deal with it is the next hurdle for you. You have some great posters following your sitch.so listen to there thoughts. Again don't beat yourself up over the ego thing. It would effect anyone and if it didn't you wouldn't be on this forum. Take care
Mozza, I'm so sorry that you're dealing with that news. At the same time, I hope it gives you some clarity in your situation. You probably suspected, and now you have confirmation. You're right that it doesn't make a difference in your DB'ing tactics. But it is painful, and there's no way the manage the pain except to move through it. It can't be avoided. Pain is inevitable, but as Pema Chodron says, it's the suffering that we can do something about. Watch your thoughts and try to break patterns of negativity and depression as you observe them. Turn your attention to things you can do something about (household chores, your daughters, your health). Leave your W alone and be strong for yourself and your family. You have lots of people pulling for you here!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Hate to start with a 2X but, never involve your child in gathering info on her mother.
You're absolutely right. I didn't feel right when I was doing it and I could feel it wasn't my best self who wanted to know. I go around telling people that it's normal that it's difficult, yet I falter too often when something's hard for me.
I realize that I don't DB all that well after all. I'm good at keeping my distances from my W and to GAL, but I'm still very much thinking about my W and little about doing things for myself. I compare what she's doing with what I'm doing all the time, feeling inferior in whatever I'm doing. I've a hard time not wondering what impact would any change or activity have on her, what she would think of it. I feel like I can't enjoy life fully until she returns. Even as I keep my distances, I feel I still need to learn to validate and speak her love language. I've been cold rather than neutral. I know all of this is wrong.
By the way, sandi2, what did you think of my clarifications on the boundaries. Is it about controlling her?
Originally Posted By: rd500
You have some great posters following your sitch.so listen to there thoughts.
Yes! I'm very grateful for all the guidance I get here. As I'm reading DR, I feel I'm getting the right kind of guidance and support to take me through this. I'm very, very grateful.
Last edited by Mozza; 11/01/1405:18 PM.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I'm having a very good day with D6 and D3. At that age, they love being involved in anything, so emptying the dishwasher and cleaning the pantry has been lots of fun. They loved to tag along my 7-minute workout and we had a great laugh. Happy music has been playing in the apartment since morning. They've also been doing their own thing, crafting and drawing. We're about to go grocery shopping for some ingredients to bake our very first brownies ever. The girls are very excited about this. I have family visiting tonight and the girls love them.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
