claire #9

[claire7]

...tell me now, what you think YOUR PART in all this, originally, was...and

in what ways you are now different than you were, before.

Thank you for pushing me to remember this. I absolutely played a big role. I struggled with mental health issues (mild depression and anxiety) for years. Even before we had a baby, I was insecure, quick to be jealous or suspicious, quick to criticize. I saw everything through a negative lens. I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop in most areas of my life. Getting ready to go out with friends on Saturday night was fraught because I was so concerned about looking a certain way. I didn't love myself.

It wasn't all me-- I can see now that much of what was making me unhappy was perhaps that my love tank was not being filled in the ways I needed it too. But, instead of going out and getting a life and choosing to be happy (and getting treatment), I resented my H for not giving me what I needed.

I was in therapy before I became pregnant, which helped me come to terms with my R with my parents. But I was still very unhappy and I refused to go on meds.

Then, after my D was born, it all got worse. I was more anxious, more controlling (naps, food, etc etc). I couldn't just relax and be happy with my pretty great life. I couldn't appreciate the things my H was trying to do to show me he loved me. I kept waiting for HIM to be the one to change. I felt bullied and emotionally abused a lot of the time. And, it is possible that he IS a bit of a narcissist and DID emotionally abuse me. And, it is also true that I was not a loving, attentive wife, and probably did not fill his love tank either.

It's possible I AM better off without him.

That said, I'm trying to focus this on me-- but of course thinking about my interactions with him (as someone who was co-dependent) are relevant, I think, to figuring out the work I need to do for me.

Why did I stay with someone whom I felt belittled me and who didn't respect me? (he has actually admitted that he has a lot more respect for me now than he did while we were together, so I'm not delusional to have felt that way).

How have I changed?

I have come A LONG way. For the first time in my life, I really like who I am. I need to lose 10 pounds, and I'm not perfect, but I am happy with myself. I don't base my opinion of myself on how I *think* others view me.

I can see the positives in situations, and don't just dwell on the negatives.

I don't have doomsday scenarios running through my head all the time.

I don't beat myself over mistakes and imperfections. I move forward.

I reach out to others.

I don't think everything is about me.

I'm more able to accept the mistakes of others without being so judgemental (though I admit I continue to work on this...)

I don't get paralyzed by panic when a problem arises. I can problem-solve and multi-task more easily.

I have faced one of my biggest fears-- my H leaving me -- and made it a whole year and am PROUD of how I've handled this.

I'm still a work in progress, and that's ok.

[claire7]

And, now that I've been S an entire year, I guess I'm not technically a newcomer anymore? (though I didn't start posting until last March--4 months into this).

I wonder if this is a MLC, or that he was having an EA, or was just depressed (he was, I think)... and if so, does that change ANYTHING about my approach, or how I handle/feel about this?

How common is it for someone to up and walk out on the marriage like my H did, if he's NOT in a MLC or having an A?

Does the reason matter AT ALL?

Still searching for understanding, which will probably never ever come. That is the hardest part. Because I feel like if it WAS a MLC, then I could imagine a point when that would END, and maybe that would give me hope to wait it out. But I don't see it that way. I see that he just sort of gave up and left and... it all ended with such a whimper.

Need to decide what, if anything, to say to him on Monday-- our anniversary.

[labug]

It doesn't matter AT ALL. My H walked out because he was done. No OW, MLC?(I have no definition for MLC that doesn't include depression as a major component), probably situational depression. But mostly he was done with me and my depression and my anxiety and my being controlling. He didn't have the tools to deal with that because of his stuff but that didn't mean I didn't need to work on mine.

All that matters is you and your journey. Which you haven't really started on. You've been convincing yourself to do it, studying routes and gathering supplies. Set a start date and take that first step.

Why do you need to say anything to him on Monday?

[25yearsmlc]

I don't think it matters much or at all. AND even if it is an MLC, so what?

I have not seen data that says they're more likely to return home, nor have I seen anything that would make me think YOUR course of action would change, if it is.

BUT I understand your wanting to know WHY??? And all I can tell you is that i wasted a year of my life asking that question.

the fact is, what reason could there possibly be that I'd be satisfied with?
What could justify doing what he did, in my eyes?

I cannot imagine any reason on earth that would make me leave my h AND OUR CHILDREN for 2 years....that was a "good reason".

Okay, if I thought I could cure cancer by leaving everyone, maybe then....but I'd still want my kids/h to totally understand and agree.

As for the anniversary, either do nothing or....IF you can honestly say that you'd go thru all this again if it were the only way to have your d in your life, remind yourself of that AND

mention how the marriage created her and that you'll always be glad you met him.

My former bil sent my sister flowers after he left her (for OW but no one knew at the time) and they had 3 kids, and a 22 year marriage.

He wrote "It's still worth remembering" and I can honestly say that was about the most decent thing he ever did. Yes she cried, but it was still a sweet gesture from an otherwise self centered fool....maybe you could send a photo of your d and say "I'm still glad we met/married/for all the times we had, good & bad, b/c of HER", or maybe just 'it's still worth remembering with a photo of her or all 3 of you. NOT signed with "love" but more like "sincerely,truly, etc"....

(& yes, my BIL did regret leaving my sister, later on. She's probably the only woman I know who got to hear the grand apology, about a month before she was to marry HER then boyfriend. She still married her "new" guy, and he treats her better than her ex knew how). So yes It happens, & I have 2 family members who later married their exes, so that happens too.

But Claire, now that you see him in a new light, AND assuming that it's a more accurate vision of him, can you see that perhaps he did you a favor?

Regardless, your marriage & this separation have made YOU grow. That's no small thing b/c it seems to me you are happier than you were before and or, you CAN be happier than ever.

Make sense?

[25yearsmlc]

"GOOD" REASONS I'd LEAVE MY FAMILY FOR 2 YEARS...

1) I could cure cancer by leaving for 2 years. (Don't ask how. It's rhetorical.)

2) I'd earn $100 Million which I'd then share w/my family, of course. This one is not certain, fyi.

3) MY Cancer, if I had it, OR a family member's cancer, would be cured.

4) ...hmm... I was going to say "if I got to be in a film that won me an Academy Award OR if I got to be in the Senate and making new laws and passing important treaties....

but honestly, I'm not sure I'd leave my family against their will, for #4...

5) If I were certain that the book I'm writing was going to change the world for the better and those changes would last for centuries...(which is sort of like curing cancer)...
--Then maybe I'd go for 2 years even though they didn't want me to. I would sure hope they'd let me try to atone for it however.

So, are you sure you want to keep asking WHY He left? IS there really a reason you would approve of?

What if the "real reason" is that he was just miserable? Does that "help" you at all?

[labug]

A BOOK?!?!? Comedy, fiction, non-fiction? Am I in it?

Do tell, 25.

[claire7]

Thanks labug and 25years. You've given me good stuff to think about.

25, you're right. There is no good reason, except maybe that he is a horrible person. (he's not).

And, you're right-- he did do me a big favor. I was forced to face one of my biggest fears. And look what happened? I've made it this far with my head held high, career moving forward, new friendships forming, feeling proud and happy.

Maybe my journey starts with envisioning what a new version of my life could be. A new partner, a new family, things like that. I haven't really allowed myself to consider that vision.

I'm a bit torn-- part of me feels like, in order to really move forward, he needs to know that I'm doing that. That means (to me), separating our finances, moving to sell the home, making it clear to him that I'm detached.

But, my DB coach (and probably my L) would say, I think, there is no need to do that. That the fact that HE hasn't moved forward on those things is a positive, and I should feel good about that and just be patient. That the fact that he's reached out and opened up to me a bit recently (recent gift, just today he offered to buy groceries when he took D to the store, trick or treating together, allowed me into his home for the first time last weekend) are all positives, and I should focus on those and use those opportunities to show him a different version of me.

But I feel like the advice I'm getting here is to accept that there's no hope and feel...good(?) that he left... that I shouldn't even want to stay M to him. I think I'm not totally understanding how this all works.

I am feeling tossed around a bit. And definitely not sure what direction to move into. Could I imagine a happy life with my H? At this point... maybe.

Thank you for taking the time to stop by my thread. It means a lot!

[claire7]

So, I've done a lot of soul searching today. Really thinking about the advice I've been given.

25, you asked me if this was more about my pride than about wanting my H back.

I think so.

I have to let go of my pride.

The separation was needed-- I am grateful for this time. But the fact that he has chosen to continue to abandon our marriage and not consider reconciliation after all the changes I've shown... says a lot more about him than it does about me.

For whatever reasons, and in whatever ways, I don't consider him a man of quality. A man of quality might decide to temporarily separate from his wife, in order to "reset" the relationship and give some space for reflection and growth. But a man of quality would not simply abandon ship with no further discussion a year later.

So. i'm resolved. I will show my best self, to the best of my ability, because I am LIVING MY BEAUTIFUL LIFE. But I am not walking on eggshells, worrying if I look good enough when he comes by, or if I answer his barely-friendly txts sweetly enough.

My next biggest fear is learning to live within MY means-- including support by within my means. I need to broach that with him because I think it is the only way to move forward. I am terrified of that. I have become very comfortable where I am, not thinking about the prospect of down-sizing my home, or quality of life. But it's keeping me stuck with hope and expectations.

Maybe this is something you guys can weigh in on.

[25yearsmlc]

So, I've done a lot of soul searching today. Really thinking about the advice I've been given.

25, you asked me if this was more about my pride than about wanting my H back.

I think so.

I have to let go of my pride.


and let go of your h? Is that what you are saying? And even if it is, you are allowed to change your mind!

The separation was needed-- I am grateful for this time. But the fact that he has chosen to continue to abandon our marriage and not consider reconciliation after all the changes I've shown... says a lot more about him than it does about me.


maybe...but just b/c he has not SAID he's interested in rec, does not mean he's not. You might be the last person he'd tell.
Don't you think he fears what would happen if you two reconciled and you reverted to old habits?

Also, why do you believe HE KNOWS you have changed? Not asking IF you changed but how or why you believe HE noticed at all?

If he can't be sure you are showing change, then how can we wonder "why" he won't consider a recon?

For whatever reasons, and in whatever ways, I don't consider him a man of quality. A man of quality might decide to temporarily separate from his wife, in order to "reset" the relationship and give some space for reflection and growth. But a man of quality would not simply abandon ship with no further discussion a year later.

hmmm...easy to say but what IF he were "all done", OR had been deeply hurt for a long time, if Or he felt he'd told you while married what his unmet needs were, only to see no changes...?

I guess if it helps you to say these things about him, maybe it'll help you detach. But if you're being unfair or merely maligning him and it's Not true,.....

I think there is value in truth, when we can handle it. Part of life is probably learning what truth is and facing it and maybe sometimes, changing it.?


So. i'm resolved. I will show my best self, to the best of my ability, because I am LIVING MY BEAUTIFUL LIFE. But I am not walking on eggshells, worrying if I look good enough when he comes by, or if I answer his barely-friendly txts sweetly enough.

Fair enough!

My next biggest fear is learning to live within MY means-- including support by within my means. I need to broach that with him because I think it is the only way to move forward. I am terrified of that. I have become very comfortable where I am, not thinking about the prospect of down-sizing my home, or quality of life. But it's keeping me stuck with hope and expectations.

Maybe this is something you guys can weigh in on.

Are you saying that by "moving forward" you will get less money? Hmm, are you saving any now? I sure hope so.

Will your d suffer in terms of life style if you "move forward"? IF SO, why rush it?
I think I need more info...

At least set aside some money to prepare and maybe if enough time passes between now and that time in the future, you'll have enough resources to feel more financially secure AND OR your h will have an awakening....

THEN the question will be what YOU can do when you say you are "resolved"< which means you are "Done." IOW the shoe will be on the other foot.

[Elsa]

The separation was needed-- I am grateful for this time. But the fact that he has chosen to continue to abandon our marriage and not consider reconciliation after all the changes I've shown... says a lot more about him than it does about me.

Claire, one thing that has always struck me in your threads is that you don't seem to engage in R talk with your H, ever. I know that's how DB-ing is supposed to be, but I wonder if maybe you're mind-reading here -- how do you know he isn't considering reconciliation?

I do think that you have shown amazing strength over the past year and you should feel immensely proud of yourself for all the things you've accomplished, whether or not your H is willing to recognize them.