AJ, you are spot on about trying to compensate with the kids for their mother pretty much just pushing them out of her life. I would try so hard to find things, anything, that my W would do together as a family but she never seemed to want to or was always "too busy" or too tired. I thought it was part of her depression, not a choice she was making because of her MLC. (Of course I didn't know about MLC back then). After B-day whenever she would do something as a family and she seemed to enjoy it, she would end up spewing at me later and saying how she "had" to get away from me. Still don't understand that. As time goes on I'm sure things will start to become easier.
Heather and Wonka....I will do great on this interview!
I am a newbie but I have been attending a Catholic support group at church. You are totally allowed to take communion and annulity is often given to long term marriages with kids if you wish to remarry in the church or just because that is something you want to pursue.
You might want to see if any of the parishs in your area have a similar ministry. It has helped me focus on the emotional side of things and not mix those decisions with having to take care of the business of things.
Great news about the interview. Sending you prayers and positive thoughts.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
AJ, you are spot on about trying to compensate with the kids for their mother pretty much just pushing them out of her life. I would try so hard to find things, anything, that my W would do together as a family but she never seemed to want to or was always "too busy" or too tired. I thought it was part of her depression, not a choice she was making because of her MLC. (Of course I didn't know about MLC back then). After B-day whenever she would do something as a family and she seemed to enjoy it, she would end up spewing at me later and saying how she "had" to get away from me. Still don't understand that. As time goes on I'm sure things will start to become easier.
The reason may never be known, Matt, but I do know that I loved hearing that she "had" to get away from you because I heard similar; it describes the fight or flight that's going on in her head as much as anything.
What you do know is that she doesn't want the same things you want any longer, in the same you want. I.e. you strived to create the family you wanted - you assumed that when she didn't want to participate you needed to pick up the slack.
What you may have missed is that her picture of the family is not the same as yours. Broken? Perhaps. Different? Very much so. I doubt in the end she will think her idea was the wrong one when it came to family. She may very well have a picture of you that says you are doing it "wrong" in her view. You'll never know for sure.
What you also know is that she once shared the same values you have. What you also know is that just because she couldn't live that way any longer, you are by no means off the hook for your values
I've been there Matt. It's difficult to see the forest for the trees, let alone figure out what kind they are. At the end of the day, you are the parent that didn't push the kids away. You are the less broken parent in that regard (by normal parenting philosophy in our day). Keep that in mind. She pushed them away and may not think she did. You saw her do things you know as "wrong" (and conventional norms think of as wrong for that matter). She left. Long before she left, she was already leaving and you tried to compensate in the way you knew how. That likely happened almost imperceptibly to you both. Normal relationships ebb and flow, so you likely didn't think it would come to this (although you may have wished for it a time or two, no?)
To be honest, the label "wrong" or "right" really only matter to the person applying them when it comes to relationships. But there are "norms" and right or wrong for how to treat a partner or family member. We learn those from our family growing up. I wonder what your ex learned as "normal"? i.e. I wonder if she has a broken pattern to gauge normal by?
You get a break from that now, Matt, don't you? You still have the responsibility of the kids and seem to take that on willingly. I applaud that, but be careful that you don't over compensate for her lack of participation. That can be deadly to a family as well.
The balance you're seeking is the balance of parenting without the other participating. You've been doing that for so long already, you would think the transition would be easier. For some reason, it's not but it will be faster than many. As you step back further from the B-day, it gets clearer and easier. As you stop hoping she'll see the damage, it will become clearer and clearer, faster and faster.
I know it has for me.
Let us know how the interview goes. We're rooting for you!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks Gwen and AJ, Good to hear about the group you are with at your parish. To be honest it's taken me a long time to really accept that my M is real and truly over. I had this small little voice in the back of my head that kept saying that it's not done yet, W could still change her mind or come out of her tunnel in time. As time as gone on that voice has grown smaller and quieter. There are times when it's still there but I now know it's just wishful thinking, nothing more. My religion is important to me and is one of the hardest parts about my W wanting a D and saying she wasn't even willing to try to work on things. She knows what that means and is just another thing that she no longer cares about. MLCers just seem to abandon every thought and just have zero concern for the LBS and how their actions affect us. If we did the same to them they would be horrified.
AJ, I know that what she learned growing up was very different and far from "normal". Her family history is just so very bad by anyone's standards from a father that totally abandoned his family and moved 1000 miles away to a mother who just could never let go of her M and the hurt that she felt by her fathers betrayal. All her life she swore that she would never do the things that her father did to her and her brother and now since her MLC she is doing those same things. It's like she has decided to go the exact opposite in what she felt the last 20 years about family and M. It's so weird to watch someone do that, to watch them totally change their mind about every value that they had had in the past.
You are right that she now has changed her mind about what is "right and wrong" when it comes to family and raising kids. Every once in awhile she will do something that seems like the old her but it never lasts. I think the balance will come faster once my professional life gets more settled and I am better able to make a decent living. Hard to get into a pattern when everything is just so up in the air.
Thanks so much guys I really appreciate your taking the time for me.
OK, I had the weirdest thing happen today...... So, I'm out with the other 2 VP's from work for lunch. We go to a nice place that has mostly a much older clientele than me and them. Our waitress was new and she made a few mistakes but was nice and was trying. Well, when she comes to check if we needed anything one of the guys I was with says that they were OK but that, as I was the only "single" guy there, I would like her phone number! I was floored. I hadn't said such a thing and truth be told, I'm not actually "single", not yet at least! She smiles and says "Sure" and gives me her number! I was so stunned I just said thanks and gave her my name when she asked.
I couldn't believe it. First of all, I'm not ready to date but these guys are always pushing me to. I just stopped even talking to them about it because they are the typical "Just get on with your life, your wife is a jerk" types that have no understanding at all of my sitch. After we left I told them that was not cool and that they need to never do anything like that again. Of course they were saying she wouldn't have been so quick to give her number if she didn't like me and all I'm doing is wasting time, a bunch of macho guy crap about needing to just "get out there", etc. It was embarrassing. But at the same time it is nice to know that a pretty woman found me attractive enough to give me her number like that out of the blue.
Now I'm going to feel bad if I don't call this woman. I'm sure it wasn't easy for her to do that and if I don't call her she may be hurt. Who knows, maybe she was dumped by a partner in MLC! What does everyone think I should do here? Should I just ignore the whole thing and not call or should I call and explain that she seems very lovely but I'm just not ready to date as I'm in the middle of a D? Heck, I've been away from this kind of thing for 26 years, for God's sake., I don't know what the protocol is for this kind of thing!
Hey T2, Job interview is Thursday morning. Since I expanded my search to include places that are the opposite direction from the way that would allow me to keep having my D14 stay with me every other week, there are a lot more places that seem to be looking for my skill set. It's just such a shame that I may have to choose between having a job where I can make a decent living and having custody of my D14 half the time! When my W said that she was moving where she did I said to her that without her income I would probably need to find a new job and what if it wasn't in that direction? How would I keep having D14 stay with me? She just dismissed me saying I would just find something in the same area. Typical MLC thinking only what she wants. She could have found a place in the same area I live in. In fact where she is now is farther from her work...it so happens it's where all her "friends" from work live.
As for the woman who gave me her number...I think you are right about that. I should call her and explain that right now I'm not ready to start dating but I would like to keep her in mind for when I am. Hopefully she'll understand that and who knows, maybe down the road we can get together. I guess it's good that an attractive woman is interested in getting to know me. At least I can take that from the whole thing.
I have a friend in TX in the country who is making it work, they spend a lot of time on the road and a lot of money on gas, but they are used to it since their kids have away football games and stuff and the distances are big...but they are making the 50/50 work...
I bet you can too
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
