Don't know if I belong here....

[Okabe]

Is there a good thread in the forum on detaching? I would like to understand it better. I'm sure it is in Divorce Remedy but I get such rare opportunities to read it with everyone around.

[MCS]

So, there's some stuff in here on a variety of forums. It's so hard to do early on. It pretty much is not really getting hung up on what she is doing, focus just on yourself. Easier said than done. It took me two months and just last week I think I finally did. For me, I was an emotional wreck for so long since I felt it was all my fault, I then found out she had an equal if not more significant stake in our issues. Then when we started talking again, it was like she was yo-yoing my emotions. I had enough of that and pretty much shut down emotionally from constantly obsessing what the outcome would be. I was really scared it would make me feel like I was giving up, but I can say it doesn't. I would love to make our marriage work, but have accepted that she doesn't have any clue what she wants right now. I still love her, but am realizing that she needs to make the decision that she wants to work on it and obsessing it is doing more harm to me and I can control that aspect.

[Okabe]

I'll see what I can do. I have already started backing off some today. Just have to keep that up.

[MrBond]

You read the whole DR book, correct?

What were the issues you had in the M? What were the problems that YOU had a hand in?

[Okabe]

You read the whole DR book, correct?

What were the issues you had in the M? What were the problems that YOU had a hand in?

I am still in the process of finishing the book. I have little time to read it at work and at home it's not something I want to whip out to read in front of my boys who think everything is fine.
Issues that I've had: Sexual intimacy (frequency, etc)- I have had a hand in making this a problem. I see it as shared.
Her not telling me when something is bothering her- I don't think I've had a hand in this, but one never knows I guess.
Her making decisions and following through- She can be extremely passive and just not do things (even her father and step mother have commented on this). Which is probably how I do most of the housework at this point: just to get things done. I suppose I have a hand in this as I enable the behavior.

I'll have to think some more. Those are just the ones at the front of my mind.

[Okabe]

I did back off last night.
No hugs, no kisses, no rolling over to cuddle with her at night when she came to bed.
I didn't tell her I love her like I usually do.
Not doing some of these things were weird as they've become such daily rituals to me, but I'll keep at it.

[sandi2]

Maybe this will help get you started in learning about detaching. It is not giving your spouse the cold shoulder or sulking. It is acting mad or hurt. It isn't even necessarily removing yourself physically from their presence. This is a quote taken from another poster about detaching. He has others that are quite lengthly, but you can start with this one.


Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment (found around here)

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."

IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -

We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.

[MrBond]

That list was all about blaming her. Rethink the actions that YOU are responsible for that broke the marriage. Be brutally honest with it. No one is a saint.

[Okabe]

That list was all about blaming her. Rethink the actions that YOU are responsible for that broke the marriage. Be brutally honest with it. No one is a saint.

Ok. I thought you were asking for my complaints. Big difference. I must've mis-read that.

Her complaint about me being not very affectionate is very true. It's not that I dislike it, I just get caught up in my head and don't realize how distant I'm being at times. That one has been a major issue and a large part of that is on me.

I placate. I want to fix things quickly and gloss over the problems in order to not have to deal with conflict that tends to make me feel uncomfortable.

I take on responsibility for too many things and then feel bad and resentful for it. That helps nothing.

There is more I am sure. I will have to think on it more.

Sandi2: thank you for the list. I will read more as I have time.

got to get back to work.

[MrBond]

"There is more I am sure. I will have to think on it more."

That's a good start, but we need a more comprehensive and detailed list.

For what you've written so far, what have you been doing to correct those bad behaviors that pushed your W away. I mean, you can't do anything about the affection part, but you can learn to be more compassionate.