Very quick run-down. While we were separated before we got married she became pregnant. OM1 refused to accept that it was his child and even if it was he was refusing to have anything to do with my wife any further and even refused any further communication with her for the next 5 years.
I offered to make sure the child had a 2 parent home and was well cared for along with my wife. We disagreed greatly on how/when to tell D7 and visitation but agreed to work it out as we went.
There is way more to the dynamics than this and this is a giant over-simplification of the facts. Hope took great issue with some of my version of events stated previously and even that was a vast over-simplification of what really happened.
But there you have it.
Points 1-5:
1. Do the GAL activities...Yes, working on this. Yesterday was better than the day before, today is better than yesterday, etc.. I agree.
2. Stop pursuing her. I haven't really thought of my actions as pursuing. But I will revisit.
3. See a Family Lawyer/Divorce Attorney right away. I have really wanted to avoid this. It's kind of like the fear of actually writing a will is going to cause something to happen. I'll move forward here. At the end of the day I don't really think my wife wants a divorce. But who knows.
4. Think through the worst-case scenario:She cant take the house, it's locked up in a trust. No doubt in my mind I'm keeping the kids and may even ask for child support if it gets this ugly. I am firm on my stance here and she is aware of it.
5. Start talking to Starsky about setting healthy boundaries for you and the kids. You wife has got to start to feel your detachment (last resort technique) and your willingness to move on WITH or WITHOUT her (GAL and boundaries). Always being available and acting like a lap-dog won't build respect. I understand.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Jefe, there is nothing wrong with seeing a very good family law attorney to better understand your rights and responsibilities, and to protect yourself from any potential threats.
As the Good Book says, "there is wisdom in many counselors."
It DOESN'T mean you have to file for divorce, and to think that such a consultation would actually CAUSE one to happen is just plain superstitious. C'mon . . . you're better than that.
Jefe, I too prayed -- DAILY -- for God to change my wife's heart. Ultimately, it turned out that He was trying to change mine, first, and teach me to work on some pretty unhealthy behaviors that run deep in my family (I am the child of an alcoholic, with lots of other alcoholics in my family, and I come from a long line of "pleasers" and "Mr. Nice Guy" types).
He also was prodding me to take a stand for holiness in my marriage, and let HIM work on my wayward wife. Letting her go, and -- in prayer -- "laying her at the foot of the Cross" -- was the single hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and I still remember where I was when I did that (I was mowing my lawn, and bawling like a baby in my backyard in the hot Florida heat, tears streaming down my face).
I know. I have used your prayer weekly. I can also guarantee that God has been working on me non-stop for 60+ days once I invited him in. I am working my AA Steps now. I've got a lot of repairs to make within my home and myself.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
It DOESN'T mean you have to file for divorce, and to think that such a consultation would actually CAUSE one to happen is just plain superstitious. C'mon . . . you're better than that.
Starsky
Yes I am.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Seeing an attorney could really give you some peace of mind. I waited until my wife filed to see one, and I had worried about what a D would mean for me until I had spent some time with an attorney going over our circumstances. I don't think having the information will hurt you at all, in fact, I only see how having to information will help you be informed and even make some changes now that will help bring order. One thing I did early on was set up a separate bank account so my wife would not drain our funds that we needed to pay bills. I set an amount for her monthly that I thought was fair, and gave it to her. She did not like that, filed for D, and is now getting less (at least temporarily).
No one says you have to file. You can wait for her to do it, but then be ready to respond if necessary.
Me:40 W:39 M:Dec 95 Split: Jul 14 W Filed: 9/16/14 Several Children (including adopted)
Thank you FD. Agreed. I will see if I can find one who will do a free consult and if not, I will seek one out as soon as I fiscally can.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Read and and incorporate what you can. It's not a one-shot deal. It's a posture you take to help wake them up.
OK, just seems like a really simple version of Sandi's 37 rules. I was doing that already, or at least thought I was.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Jefe, I consulted two Ls a few months ago. It helped me tremendously, gave me an idea how a D might all play out financially, helped lessen my fears so I could better detach. You know me, know I'm not looking for a D, but I felt like the L thing was important.
Can I add my voice to this. Its a good idea to speak to a L just so you know where you stand and how best to protect yourself. You don't need to commit to any action but it will help ease your mind
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Thank you everyone for the Lawyer comments. It couldn't hurt to have my bases covered.
My D5 got in bed with me this morning because of bad dreams. They have had bad dreams in such a long time until W left. D5 has also been melting down almost every day. She wants mommy HERE. She asked me the other day if we could all pack our stuff and go to Grandma's house so we could live with mommy. I said no, maybe you guys could for a little while but daddy can't go. D5 said "Well then I don't want to go if you can't."
I am so angry at what she is doing to her own children. So many people here talk about how their WAS's are such good mothers or fathers...BS. Good parents don't walk out on little children and think 30 minutes 2-3 times a week makes up for it.
I know it's futile to ask why, but I don't understand this mentality of walking away on everything and everyone and having the time of their life elsewhere. It's just peachy keen with Rainbows, Unicorns, and Leprechauns. I know many people here have told me she's suffering too, I just ain't seeing it. It is mind boggling. I'm starting to wonder if my W isn't having an early MLC.
Originally Posted By: Starsky
I had to learn to take a stand for holiness in my marriage and in my home, and I had to learn how to set and enforce healthy boundaries. It STILL doesn't come naturally to me, but I'm happy to report that those skills that I learned while DBing have served me today, and now I've begun to teach them to our adult children, for use in their own relationships and business dealings.
What did this look like exactly for you? I've seen you talk about the financial end of things, but how about the rest?
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
