Newcomer Living in Hell 2

[bravo61]

Yes, and I'm the lead singer of the sh*t tones. Lol

[bravo61]

Hope y'all didn't think I was being disrespectful. That's far from the case. I apologize.

[Maybell]

Bravo, no sweat.

[bravo61]

took the kids last night to meet with the W for Santa pics and dinner. i think i'm starting to actually detach. only a couple of times did i look at her longingly (she didn't see). things were relaxed and pleasant. i did catch her watching me a couple of times and i just kinda gave her a small smile or a wink.

the thing that's bad is that my S is really getting pissed at her. he even said it's like her and i changed brains. he doesn't really like who she is now and he hates her friends(absolutely no prompting from me).he just keeps asking me why is momma making bad choices? he has noticed that she doesn't go to church, gets babysitters so she can "go out", and is pretty selfish (his words). i just told if he is that worried about mama, that we will say a prayer for her. he did ask about my ring and if i was gonna take it off if/when mama divorces me and i said yes. he got a little sad and he doesn't want me to give up on mama that she's "just lost right now". breaks my heart.

[bravo61]

this cross that i am bearing is becoming awfully heavy. just went to tuck my little girl in bed and found her crying. "what's wrong? why are you crying?" her reply "cause you and mama are not together". SHE'S 4 YEARS OLD FOR GOODNESS SAKES!

really struggling to not be bitter right now. just held her and let her know that i love her and i'll be her daddy forever.

then she prayed that we would all be a family together again. does the W deal with this? nope. if she did, she'd just blame me. will i ever let her know bout these things? nope, that would be manipulative but i wish i could.

i will be saying a special prayer for all the kids that are being hurt by these parents that are so caught up in their own pain (and its real) that they can't see the pain caused to the truly innocent!

[Ss06]

You have a very astute and amazing little girl, bravo.

My D has tough nights where she asks a lot of questions. "do you want a divorce, Mama?" or "Why can't you guys work this out? I mean, it's important. It's important to me!"

We talk a lot about it and I talk about her feelings rather than place blame. She asks if I'm sad about it and I'm honest. She's a pretty bright girl and I think has put the picture together. She's not loving the situation as it is but she has adapted as well as can be expected.

I don't think my H deals with half of the conversations about it all as I do. He just speaks with a happy voice and reminds her that he loves her and that mommy loves her and that all should be right with the word. She calls him on it. LOL

She actually says, "I know you love me dad, that's not the point." Cracks me up.

H has actually said he has talked to "lots" of people who say they aren't that broken up about their parents' divorce and are perfectly "fine". I tell him he's talking to the wrong people. He just shrugs.

Just goes to show you that you can find evidence to support your cause no matter what your cause is.

Can't change the situation for her though as much as I truly want to.

I'm just sorry we have to see their pain on their faces.

[jim0987]

I have no idea if my W gets the same from D3 that I do but it breaks my heart.

I get
'Why doesn't mummy like you anymore'
'Don't leave me daddy'
'I don't like it when you're not with me daddy'
'Dont worry daddy I still like you'
'When will it be a mummy and daddy day again?'
'When will mummy go back in your bed'
'Why isn't mummy in granny's room'

Etc. Etc.

Like you say though if she did it would just be another cause for resentment that 'I made her do this'

[labug]

While D affects kids and yes, they would probably be happy if their parents stayed together, we know that's not going to happen in all marriages.

What we do know is kids fare better in these situations when the parents don't put the kids in the middle, don't blame the other parent (even subtly)and don't involve them (child) in something that's an adult situation.

That's where our focus needs to be. Your W isn't doing something TO the kids, yes, her actions, along with yours will affect them but it doesn't have to ruin them. I don't know your whole story but marriages aren't usually broken by just one act or one person. Your W may have tried in her way to work on the M, and most likely it didn't look like trying to you as I'm sure you may have tried and it didn't look like trying to her. That's how these things go.

Both parties have responsibility.

Stop keeping score. It's a no win exercise.

Accept responsibility for your part and let go of the blame. It's completely unproductive and the hurt and anger that doing that keeps alive will be telegraphed to your kids.

Take the high road.

Walk your path leave her to hers.

[bravo61]

i don't involve my kids. its hard sometimes when they ask me questions but i always respond with positive things to say about their mother (even when its hard sometimes). i have accepted responsibility for my part (even more than my part) but it is difficult to see the kids pain that comes as a direct decision on her part. i did not choose this and i do not support this. ergo, i'm not gonnna take ownership of this, but i do not project this to them.

[zed]

H has actually said he has talked to "lots" of people who say they aren't that broken up about their parents' divorce and are perfectly "fine". I tell him he's talking to the wrong people. He just shrugs.

My W says the same thing. But I know that you can google anything and find the point of view I want. Heck I could probably google "is it okay to kill someone" and you would get a positive answer