Newcomer Living in Hell 2

[Maybell]

Facebook is just a sign of how checked out they are. But I get hating it.

I forgot what I was going to follow up with the other day, I'm sorry. I reread your posts and nothing rang a bell, so most likely Ahoy took care of it.

One thing though... you asked how stubborn they have to be to admit everything she admitted and yet not try? If you read the posts Sandi puts up (I don't remember if she contributes to your thread or not) she'll say it needs a LOT of outside reinforcement from people she trusts to have her back before a WAW will go back to the M. She's just that done with that way of life.

About 6 years ago I was in a terrible, terrible place in my marriage. I wished for my H to have an affair, to leave, to die in a plane crash. I just hated the way we were living. If I could have, I would have left him. But I couldn't leave him without leaving the kids too, and that was just something I would never ever do. Because I couldn't hurt them like that, and because I couldn't live with myself if I did. But I just wanted peace. And the possibility of being loved, needed, cherished.

Eventually, after a long, long time, I realized I couldn't live like that. It wasn't fair to my H. It wasn't fair to me. And it was a terrible example to my kids. To come back I had to find something that was just mine to invest myself in, so I could feel like I had space in the life we had made together, where before I didn't feel like I was a whole person at all. So I found an activity that I had to really invest in, that had an actual goal at the end. And I started trying to watch for the good in my H. Fortunately, he made a few good moves at the right times and I found my way back to him, and we had a couple of good years before we started drifting apart again. I guess, too, I stopped feeling like a whole person again, because we had some circumstances that I had to work on to get us through, and I took more than my fair share of the responsibility for dealing with those things. But we never dealt with those issues and I guess we're basically dealing with them now.

I didn't come back because he loved me, because I didn't believe that he did. I didn't come back because I loved him, because I didn't believe that I did. I came back because I felt a responsibility to try, and I couldn't live with the possible consequences of failing to make the effort.

My husband may have made efforts prior to my deciding to put on my BGPs, but I wouldn't have noticed. I was pretty self-absorbed in my misery at that point. So when you ask how stubborn... Realize to a certain extent she's going through the motions. Her interest right now is in being RIGHT, not in being married.

Hmmm... good words for me to hear too. Thanks for that.

[1foot2]

Man I'm with you there. My W has always been a bit of an Internet addict (not that I should throw stones but I really try to stay off it when around the family), and shen the distance started to grow between us early this year she was on it non stop in the evenings. After years of being kinda snobby about not being on Facebook she signed up and was checking it all day. Sitting there on the computer while I was running around getting kids to bed every night. Ugh just not good. One thing I'm looking forward to should we separate is not having the d*** computer anywhere near the family area.

[1foot2]

Wow that's a really good post maybell! You're such a great voice on these boards.

[Maybell]

Oh, BTW, is there a reason you worked so hard to avoid that hug? Because one of the good moves my H made when I was trying to come back to him was to suggest non-sexual things that involved physical contact. That was what I'd been craving -- him doing stuff for me that I knew was for me, not just for him, as sex would have been.

[bravo61]

wow Maybell, you really know how to make a fella feel hopefull! just kidding the reality is the reality. i just didn't want to pursue and trying to detach. but i'm glad i did because that was one of the issues in our M. and for the record for all of those reading, i began my changes before BD. and the changes can be for the M and for ME. it doesn't have to be a zero sum game like some have posted on here. do i want to be a better person-yes! do i want to keep my marriage by changing aspects of my behavior that were bad that i didn't recognize-yes!

in my M i was critical, angry, selfish, just generally not helpful and didn't show her my love in a way she would understand (LL). was i like that every day,no. but i realize the reality doesn't matter. it's the reality that she saw as our marriage and i can't dispute any of it. i live my W and i want to spend the rest of my life with her showing her that-yes, i can and want to listen! i'm actively working on me through ways i've previously posted. i think a large part of my sitch is that she wasn't happy with the way i was and who she was. as evidenced by her embracing the going out, tatoos, attitude with me (anger). she is angry with herself for not speaking up to me bout her needs (her lack of self worth from upbringing and of course me).

[bravo61]

and she will not let anyone be a part of her life right now that has a difference of opinion regarding her decision to D.

[Maybell]

Right... But if you read Sandi's posts, there were people in her life who could reach her without her feeling antagonistic.

But your W doesn't necessarily need that. It may be something happens to make her rethink. I was completely unsupported when I turned my mind around. You never know what's possible.

I didn't write all that to drag you down. Just to say, it's not like she's clinging to a position she likes. I think she just feels like she already tried the more desirable plan. So stubbornness isn't what it is.

Also words I needed to hear.

[bravo61]

well no one here (her friends) have ever met me. they only know the horror stories she will tell. what's funny is that she doesn't want them to meet me as they would be in shock that i don't have foam coming from my mouth and i'm a charming Southern gentleman. we do have the anniversary of our first date coming up 12/18. i thought about sending daisy's-her fave flower-(last year sent roses to her work-she posted on facebook) on that day but i'm not gonna do that. then thought about sending a card with just a simple thank you. prolly not gonna send anything and not mention it. i'm sure that will surprise her.
PS i know you weren't trying to drag me down. just cop humor.

[bravo61]

funny thing is when she told me that we treated eah other awful (while back) i told her it was good we weren't those people anymore.

[jim0987]

I definitely feel your Facebook pain.

Having said that its really odd to see the contrast between what's on FB and real world