Edz - Tough Times ahead proceeding with caution

[edz]

Previous Thread

Morning all, the old thread locked so here we are with part 3 already, wow, I dont know if thats impressive or depressing. Would be nice to say by now everythings on the way up and relations are good but, nah.

House vetting went ok so should be moving in december, into an empty place, in time for christmas by myself for the first time in 15 years, no family decorating, no family tree, S and I will do some bits of course but, well, I cant say Im looking forward to anything but it being over.

Yesterday was a new low since all this started, see previous thread, we did tie it up in a text (sigh...) saying sh hopes she'll have more time today. W just doesnt see the issue, S has 90% of her time MIL and friends the other 10%. I cant afford to mind read but either she's just in full avoidance of the the whole emotional side of this (a BIG issue in our relationship anyway) which has been easy for her being away from it all from day 1 (living at MIL wont be easy but she doesnt have to face our life together every minute or split it apart in front of her eyes) or she's so cold toward me she doesnt think theres anything worth dealing with and I should just shut up and go away. Honestly, right now, I dont know.

[edz]

Anyway following on from the chat Jim and I were having on going out alone, planning on going out Friday night. No real reason other than getting out of the house, I don't want to face trick or treaters not because Im an old grumpy boots but I'm excluded this year so I don't want to be reminded of what I cant have - think its a better plan to control my surroundings and go out somewhere I can be away from it all (as much as possible anyway)

Sat looks like I'm heading to my dads hopefully with S to surreptitiously pick up his birthday present (Dad cant really come here in its state of being ripped apart) may be picking S up from tennis, may decide not to meet up with W first this time if she's even there, on one hand it makes me feel hypocritical as I'm pushing to get away from texting / emailing but if its like last time she just wanted some toast and then my advice on what television to buy and any mention of anything else (credit cards on the account or anything else) led to her getting angry. On the other hand not sure how stable my PMA mask will be right now and any more coldness from her right now may tip me over the edge. Will see.

Sunday will be exercise and more splitting stuff up - likely the garage.

I remember when I looked forward to time away from work, now I still dont want to do it but hate not working as well, push myself to do my 180s and get out and exercise and interact and GAL but I cant say I feel the progress some of you guys do. I'm waiting for it to kick in and feel a sense of freedom and enthusiasm and fire for the future or some sense that W may be even vaguely considering a future together (and yes I know 3 1/2 months is probably way too early especially with W being at MIL for that time) - maybe being in the flat on the run up to holidays will make her think about it but given she booked her birthday up and "didn't see" a message from me regarding meeting for a drink or lunch I cant see much sign of it.

So I continue on the only thing I can do anything with, me. Unfortunately I just find myself increasingly fighting off feelings of why bother, I did get another counselling session which helped a little but even he was prompted to say moving is probably a strain I could of done without, cathartic or not.

Hey ho... get up, work, deal with flat, eat, go to bed, rinse, repeat and somewhere in there keep hoping I suppose.

[edz]

Interesting(ish) day today. Estate agent contacted me to say that the house may be available earlier. I texted W to say that there may be an option if she can also move faster and indeed MIL can as well.

Importantly I said we can talk about this when we speak.

W then started to try to run through things on text but since we're meeting when I pick up S on saturday I've said we can talk then. I dont know if this boundry is me being petty or not but I really feel we need to start running through things in person, that W has got too - comfortable - proceeding by text and email and not feeling enough of whats happening.

I cant do what I so want to do, cant even suggest it, I cant sit down and talk through what it would take to put us back together, I can only control my interactions but I have to put a boundry in place, had two near miss arguments that I cant afford caused by misreading intent in texts and thats not counting the emotionally crippling effect it has being at the end of a cold message instead of a phone call.

Also I still love to hear her voice and see her, even if that's all I have right now.

[South74]

Edz
Sorry for where you find yourself .
Don't give up mate
The sha is just up the road from me if you ever want a chat
South

[jim0987]

Glad your going out - if it were to brum you'd find my W on the pull. \o/

In truth though her behaviour is making it easier for me as the more she behaves like this, the easier it is too detach. And that's what will help (I also found a good rant really helped)

I think that the face to face is a fair boundary to set especially if you think text is getting misconstrued but having said that it is much easier to control emotions by text as there is less pressure for a response.

[edz]

So got the initial costings in for moving (just the house) without the removal costs month 1 will be £2360, ouch.

[jim0987]

Ouch indeed

[edz]

Can you hear the boing from my flexible friend, damn just got one of these things paid off, well at least 1000 of that is the first months rent in advance so can be paid off next month as I wont be paying for this place.

Still feeling low and sorry for myself today, just want my life back but as it was 3 years ago before all these issues started to build up. But, no, nothings going to change and this is what Im stuck with garbage as it is..

[jim0987]

Divorce is an expensive business. Only a couple of months ago I was telling my W we couldn't afford a £3k holiday and here I am now taking on an extra £45k of debt and increasing my monthly outgoings by about £500. I sure wish I had picked the holiday....

Its garbage for a while but it will get better. Besides you don't want exactly like it was three years ago because you didn't know what you now know and so wouldn't have done any different.

Smooth waters don't make for skilled sailors

[edz]

No you're right, 3 years ago but with the wake up call I suppose, both equally unachievable.

My main issue is I really have no idea where I stand, one minute Im getting jokey fun emails and texts, challenges on facebook and in person we're laughing and joking the next I'm completely blanked or getting the cold shoulder. I suppose I'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop. All along W has said no, she's not talking divorce but she's never said what she is talking.

I was always the emotional one in the relationship with her the cold one except when she felt like she needed to be reassured. I do sometimes wonder is she just worried what I'll do to myself (no, no chance of that really) if she flat out and said we're over and so she wants to be in here and me out before she drops that final nuke. Maybe she is just feeling conflicted and unsure and needs space, maybe there will be happiness and an abundance of happy endings at christmas but this is my life so I doubt it.

I dont know about the future, I dont look to it with confidence or vigour or anticipation or excitement just a dull aching feeling of loss and fear right now, fear for how its going to work logically and fear for facing it alone.

Not inspiring or supportive Im afraid, I dont know if DB is working for me or making it worse, if Id be more of a basket case or worse if I hadnt done it. Just a case of its something to hang my routines on right now which is better than rolling in a ball and crying my eyes out which seems the alternative right now.

Wow, what a downer!