The Goddess and GUBU: Square Dancing at the Triple GGG Ranch

[GoatGal]

Old threads link: (hopefully)

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=35406

[GoatGal]

Thanks to everyone who responded on my last thread.


Nero, I wanted to give you a shout out for your continued support.

I have to believe that things will get better. One way or the other, they have to.

Today I heard a quote from the movie with Vincent Price, "The Tingler".
It made me think of our sitches.

Dr. Warren Chapin (Price):
"I've seen this phenomenon many times in people who were badly frightened just before they died. There's a force in all of us that science knows nothing about.
The force of FEAR.

... The "Tingler".... is in all of us....but what causes it to appear and disappear, we don't know. Someday, I hope to find out."

"... It's an ugly and dangerous thing--ugly because it's the creation of man's fear which is ugly too... dangerous because--a frightened man is dangerous..."

"FEAR....fear... when it's in the body and cannot be released... is it possible, that this FEAR CAN KILL YOU?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes. I believe that unrelenting fear, dread, anxiety and panic cause negative changes to the body and mind. That's been proven.
It will cause PTSD, high blood pressure, heart disease, gastric distress, weight loss, insomnia, and all sorts of other things.

I think many of us here are suffering classic symptoms of PTSD yet somehow don't think it's worth noting, much less treating.
It is serious stuff people. Your well-being should be your number one priority.
Especially for those of us who are older and more vulnerable to the ongoing stress.
And for those of you with children, you owe it to THEM to feel better, whatever it takes.

That's why is is SO important that we get that PMA and GAL for US. For our health. For our loved ones.
It's not "optional". Not if we want to survive this.

We need to get OURSELVES UNDER CONTROL.
I am as guilty as the next guy.

I am still down 30 pounds and hovering. Ten I was okay with. Thirty, not so much.

I still have days when it's hard to eat, hard to sleep.

But I don't want my own "Tingler" to take over and kill me with my own fear.

I am going to scream myself sane if it's the last thing I do.


---(G)GGG

[Wonka]

GGG,

Close, but not quite....just thisclosetoit.

The Goddess of Goats Thrives Alone on Her Mountain

[GoatGal]

Oh.. was I supposed to re-name it?

I told you--it's a mental block. Some days the neurons are firing, others, not so much!

Thanks for having my back, Wonka!

[Wonka]

GGG,

You and everyone here knows that it is UP TO US to pull the trigger and call it quits. There's absolutely no shame in this AFTER we've put in sincere effort in busting a divorce. Nothing to hang our heads about. It is all about free-will choices. I have made mine, Raine made hers, Ellie has made hers, Job....on and on and on. you get the picture.

And enjoy your winnings! The answer is "yes" to all of your 'clarification' questions and your young hot villa guy is a mixture of George Clooney with the smoldering body of a 25-year old. The ticket and prizes are good for up to 1 year. Enjoy!!

[GoatGal]

Wonka.... What?

I'm not sure what you're responding to with the "pulling the trigger" statement.

I don't believe anyone should ever be ashamed for doing what they believe to be right, even if their efforts don't produce the outcome they'd planned or hoped for.

My concern is the fear that underlies so much of our distress here. All the "What Ifs?" and questions about the future.

I admire anyone who takes the high road, who lives by their convictions, who has compassion, and who gives their best.

Even if their best is knowing when the battle is lost and it's time to save the troops who are still standing.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

As for my "winnings". My birthday is Groundhog Day. February is pretty bleak around here. Can I cash it in then?

A tropical retreat might be just what the doctor ordered.

[Wonka]

Pulling the trigger...such as filing for D. That's what I meant earlier...

[GoatGal]

Oh... okay.

I am not planning on pulling any triggers, metaphorical or otherwise.
Because I am a person of peace.


But here's something funny.

Yesterday, H knew I was sick and although I *hoped* that he might actually step up and offer to bring me something, or ask if I needed anything when he was on his way, he did not.

I wasn't able to eat all day, so I bit the bullet and texted him:
"How would you feel about picking up some Chinese on your way?"

At which point he called and we had one of THREE, count 'em, THREE upbeat phone convos.

I swear he IS better.

He is smiling and laughing. It's amazing. I don't know if it's the intense bike riding but I know that helps. He has never been able to stay "well" without either running or biking.

I knew this was a problem for him with warding off depression, but he couldn't see it as clearly as I could. Now it's plain to see that he is feeling less depressed. It's not my imagination.

Anyhow, he brought the food, made some crack about Ebola... and keep my distance.
(A JOKE? First one in a year.)

Ok.. all that was good. He checked in on me later via text. Nice night.


Now, you recall how I patched and painted that bathroom wall?

Well... today I get a LONG text from him with lots of question marks:

"Do you know what happened to the wall in the basement bathroom by the toilet????????"

"It looks like someone took a sharp object and hit the wall and there are some spots with the paint chipped and missing???????????"

(I am not exaggerating on the question marks.)

So---here's the funny part.

I didn't touch that part of the wall.
The spots he mentioned were miniscule. Hardly worth mentioning since there are gaping HOLES where he needs to finish off the outlets, etc.

I have no idea how that happened, but it was probably HIM.

Nope. He says. "This is new". As if I'm some crazy person that would go in there with a broken matchstick and scratch a half-inch mark in the wall down by the toilet.


Anyhow. I said "Not me" (TRUE!)
And sort of wondered why he would even CARE.

I mean. Look at my living quarters! I don't even HAVE "walls"!

Is his concern for his precious bachelor bath, or for my mental state.
Like, am I in extremis and suicidal or something?

Finally I said, "Listen, about your bathroom. If I wanted to do some damage in there, it wouldn't be some little scratch by the john. You'd know it!"



Anyhow, I thought it was funny. Since I deliberately did not touch up all the dings that were already there from actions other than my own.

And that's what he focuses on.

Who knows? Maybe he's psychic.

Or he has a Nanny-Cam in the bowl.

Oh--and then he blamed "That GUY" (Farm Boy Toy).
"Maybe he was in there with a tool or something."

(And here's me, thinking. "Oh, he was in there with a hard tool alright. Such a big one that no wonder it put a dent in your precious wall!!!!" Okay, okay. I'm naughty.)

I said, "Maybe it's something you just noticed now, isn't that possible?"

He says "Nope."

Maybe he needs to portray me as a nut-job with a random nail file...

He probably was drunk and took the top off the tank and dinged the wall.

But so much better to think that his crazy STBX wife is out-of-control.


Whatever.

Life is weird.

---(G)GGG

[kml]

(And here's me, thinking. "Oh, he was in there with a hard tool alright. Such a big one that no wonder it put a dent in your precious wall!!!!" Okay, okay. I'm naughty.)

ROFLMAO!!!!!!

[nero]

hey hi goat g :

i can't believe you refer to tingler - we watched that lame old thing a few weeks ago=- and i was wondering who in the world (beside us) would watch such a werid old thing - ta da - you. (and me) ha/!

anyway- idk- too litle sleep last nite- so blue morning here. I have no faith at all this morning (that anything here will "turn out okay". merely that i am staving off the "end". (for a bit longer) dreary tho ught huh?.

wow - 30 lb. i was alot lighter when this first happened - past ;year i've gained back 10 or 15 lb and need to get it back off (my pants don't fit) and i'm not buying new cloths.

i can't eat or sleep properly. I KNOW & BELIEVE you about stress on a long range basis. But just knowing something and aggreeing with it - does not seem to actually make it change.

i worry a bit about the long-range effects of stress. - have lost some hair - it makes me walk alot- exercise does seem to help defuse me- so i've got that going on. idk- what the heck does one do but plunge forward and do "what ya gotta do" (this estate & selling 2 houses - dealing with the players)_ - i don't know. it's a "job i've got and it's got to be acco mplished.

much like h and his mlc- i have soooo long and soooo much misery gone thru- it seems a shame to "give up" - tho i don't have much light at the end of that tunnel really.

i think h thinks he "has it all" now, and it'll go on like this forever. (HOLY crappola huh?!!)

h is writing e-mails to me yesterday and today. , i am not responding. he called here yesterday sometime- i didn't return call. he was w/ ow over the weekend- and i just feel tired and disgusted by him. I cannot think of one thing in the world i want to talk to him about- certainly not share my life with him. i just can't talk to him -

I'm grossed out by him - in a quiet and tranquil way,. not big "emotional" junk . -

by thursday - he was all calling (more than once a day, and asking questions and "acting interested" before he went to see her , or she came to (our) his house. (ick ick ick - thinking of that cow laying on my side of the bed) . i could tell as usual - what a jerk he is to not see himself and how he acts. - he's all "wagging his tail" and happy and obviously thinks i don't notice, i don't think he notices at all (no kidding- lame man) that he does it- gets "nice", and solicitous and chatty and cheerful and keeps conversation going (which in and of itself is soooo unlike him - in generaL).

I talked to my three sisters yesterda;y (always anxiety filled - one is violent anger prone - one is aggressively braggie & needy of praise (for things she is not and hasn't really done) and other is agreeable pretty much (tho has told me i am stealing from them all !!??) and all have tons of ideas and advice how ican "do better" yet, never time to actually help with getting this house cleaned out or estate issues done.'

I am surrounded by people who have not one single shred of self-awareness. no kidding. makes me feel crazy- who are these people? and how the heck do they preach and preen about things they "think" they are and do - and not see that the truth (objectively) is the opposite. I cannot believe my world at this time. One of them (anger girl) keeps saying if someone (me obviou sly) is at odds with everyone around them , then what's the common denominator? themselves - look at self for problem .

here's the kicker - then she carries on about fighting with her boss at work (last 10 yrs or so!!)_ and everyone else around her - helllloooooooo - .

she (&older sis) tell me(alot) that everything is "equal" now that mom is dead. yeah- rite - no body helped or visited or could be bothered - at all or much for past 20 yrs except me, and all of a sudden - now that she's dead - we're allll "equal" and have done equal for her - and are now (????) doing equal.... (of course tho, on daily basis - they are alll busy with their lives and are not here AT ALL) ever, & two are soooo mad they won't get more $$... it's nuts

i have no idea where these people came from?

In general h is much nicer, etc this year across the board - HOWEVER, It is incredibly discouraging to know & see that what really makes him happy in life- is his exciting "adventures" of sexting and seeing ow. that is that. new & fun sex is "love" ap parently - and old familiar person "he cares a great deal about" , cough, vomit, etc. is pooh.

I do not look forward to being very darn lonely & very darn poor ( i do not think he will give me or sell me his half of house cheaply) - i do not like the idea that nobody will be in my life - "there" for me (even partly) -

the girl next door - (who actually (intuitively) db'd for about f ive years (her h had an 0w - kicked her out of house for three years!, then she finally said she missed her home and moved back in - and he left for awhile- then somehow he figured out that he and ow were not "the best idea" and they reconciled) - was saying last nite she never gave up because the question to be answered was " what would make you more unhappy- staying or going. she always felt "going" would.

i feel that way too. I just feel disgusted because, honestly, it's all disgusting and his "niceness" doesn't really give me alot ,. idk why- i'm glad he's alot nicer and waaayu better to be around (doesn't treet me like i have a serious communicable disease anymore) BUT - i'm starving here for being and feeling loved i guess -

okay- i'm going to quit whining and go get busy. i have gal best i can - short of assuming a false & bs identity tht is not me. working is good (hadn't done that in 20 years). lots of act ivities with some good friends w hen he's gone-

HOWEVER - IT DOESN'T fool me into thinking i have a greatlife.

i have lots and lots to be grateful for- i know it. happyu tho?

not so much- oh well huh? as far as fear - i have a bit of trepidations. But honestly, i do believe I and everyone do and can do, what we HAVE TO, when the time comes. I don't think things like this(D - LE AVING - ULTIMATUMS) are the sort of things one does for our image - or to make a point, or takes on one minute before it's totally thrust upon us (or why else would we even be trying to "fight the good fight?" AND DB IF it wasn't something very important in our lives - that otehr person :& the R)??) - BUT -

o h well, now i really am out of here. i'll just make myself feel worst if I don't shove it out of my mind and get on with today.

xxoo - maybe more c offee???? sorry for long rant- you were the first guy so ka blam.....

hope you have a good day

i think we