Hmm, that entire post, exactly as written, would be an excellent thing to share with H, when the time is right.
I mean, I'm sure he knows all of this, but the way you just wrote it, I think he needs to hear. Including the last sentence as written.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Hmm, that entire post, exactly as written, would be an excellent thing to share with H, when the time is right.
I mean, I'm sure he knows all of this, but the way you just wrote it, I think he needs to hear. Including the last sentence as written.
Jefe, I have admitted multiple times over my faults to him. I have apologized. I have done it and more. He's not ready to hear it. He knows he was treated badly. He doesn't need me to remind him. He carries it around with him daily.
I'm not trying to suggest he put it down and forget about it. Not at all. In fact, it's clear he needs to carry it around for a while. I wasn't good to him. At all.
I hope there comes a time where what he's carrying around isn't all he remembers about our marriage. There were GREAT times and the potential for even more GREAT times is there, I believe.
He's not there. The view finder through which he views things has a lot of vaseline on it. A LOT!
I understand. I haven't followed your sitch long enough to know some of the older history.
I know that would speak volumes to me.
Keep at it. Your brutal honesty with yourself is invaluable.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
SS, I am so sorry that you had to endure that. No child should have to. I am an adult child of an abusive alcoholic mother, but, I did not suffer physical abuse. It breaks my heart to read that you did.
So, as I said, we do what we know. Sometimes in different ways.
I believe, with everything I have, that this was a journey I was meant to go on. I hope you do, too.
You do have to eventually learn to forgive yourself in order to heal because holding onto the guilt weighs you down and stops you from moving forward.
You cannot undo the past and the real disservice would be if you didnt learn from it.
You are right, your h is not ready to hear any of it, mainly because it makes it about you and right now he needs it to be about him.
You are so brave, S. It takes real courage to be so vulnerable, to be willing to look within and face the demons.
This journey is a difficult one, but, man, it is so worth it.
Ss, if you could compare my posts now to the ones I wrote in June/July, you would not believe I'm the same person. I don't know if my H will wake up, but I sure have, and it is both terrifying and 100% worth it.
Hugs, lady.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
It takes incredible inner strength and self-awareness to come through what you have been through as a child, and what you are going through now, and remain poised, and dignified, and able to look inward honestly and purposefully.
In short, I think you are amazing.
To me, the first steps towards change are a) recognizing that change needs to happen; b) recognizing WHAT changes need to happen, specifically; c) noticing when we act in the ways that we want to change, and then d) (slowly) actually making those changes more and more consistently so that the changed behavior becomes habit.
You are at the very least up to point C. To me, that's HUGE. Think about how many people can't even acknowledge they need to change!
Don't be so focused on the fact that you didn't get a touchdown yet. You've covered a lot of yards. Forward movement is SUCCESS.
You recognized that you overreacted with your D, and apologized, and tried to get her involved in the process. Win! You recognized that, even with all this crap going on, you have a lot to be thankful for. Win!
Seriously, you're amazing. Thanks for being here to inspire me.
Maybell, that's encouraging, thank you. I admire your strength on your journey. It means a lot to me that you impart your wisdom on me.
You too, uRworthy, it means the world to me that you stop by and take an interest in helping me see this all for what it is. Man it's hard. Alarmingly hard. But if you're excited for me, I can't help but be a little, too.
Claire, I have tears! Good tears. What kind and supportive things to say. I used to just pooh pooh compliments like yours but if I honor what I've been through I can say, holy chit it was hard doing what I had to do at 16 years old. And it's hard doing similar work now.
If I'm honest with myself, I've had A and some of B done for years. Not sure that's a win because after that I had no idea HOW to make meaningful changes that could turn my marriage around. Instead I stood there stumped and resentful expecting him to do his share. What a missed opportunity. But, yes, I would say I'm at C.
Huh, that IS kinda huge. Yeah. Definitely nothing to overlook. Thanks for pointing that out, Claire. Wow. That's big. I'll take that realization, thank you.
Huh. That feels good. Still a long way to go of course... A lifetime no less but it's good to have people who can point out your strengths because I'll tell ya, I've been staring at my weaknesses for a little while now under a 100,000x power microscope and it's refreshing to see some strengths too.
